tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3913684869260999272024-03-13T10:01:45.353-07:00Breast Cancer Won't Define MeI am a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a neice, an aunt and a friend. I never thought I would hear the words "It's not good. There are cancer cells". December 8, 2010 changed my life forever. This is my scary, long, enlightening journey through breast cancer. I hope that my words help others facing a similar situation or those that love someone going through breast cancer. I don't know where the road in front of me leads, but I know that Breast Cancer won't define me.Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.comBlogger193125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-45145623299689504702016-03-12T09:16:00.001-08:002016-03-12T09:16:57.169-08:00My Collection of Hair Photos<br />
I have not posted in a while, but with more and more women choosing cold caps during chemo, I get a lot of questions about the success of using caps and how much hair I was able to save. I collected all of the photos I could find of myself during and shortly after chemo so I could post them. I hope this allows some of you questioning the caps to see how things worked out for me more clearly. I hope this helps! If you are thinking about caps, they really did work for me although I felt doubtful that they would work at times. I felt like I kept shedding and shedding and was so worried there would be nothing left. Well I was wrong! I never had to wear a wig. I did add in some hair extensions towards the end of chemo and after, but no one would ever know. <br />
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Here is my hair a few days before chemo: March 1, 2011</div>
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Chemo #1 was on 3/3/2011 (Taxotere and Cytoxan)</div>
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Chemo #2 was on 3/24/2011</div>
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Chemo #3 was on 4/14/2011</div>
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Chemo #4 was on 5/5/2011</div>
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These photos were taken 4/19/2011 - after my third chemo</div>
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These photos were taken 4/23 after 3 rounds of chemo:</div>
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This was taken 5/8/2011 - just a few days after my 4th and final chemo:</div>
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This photo was taken 5/15/2011 - only two weeks after finishing chemo!</div>
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This photo was taken 5/27/2011 - only 3 weeks after finishing chemo!</div>
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This photo was taken on 6/28/2011 (7 weeks after chemo finished)</div>
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These photos were taken the first week of August 2011 - on vacation celebrating being cancer free and done with treatment! (about 13 weeks after finishing chemo)</div>
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This photo was taken 9/25/2011 - about 20 weeks after finishing chemo.</div>
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These photos were taken 9/27/2011 - I have some hair extensions in to make my hair look thicker. The first photo has no extensions - the second photo is with extensions. It definitely helps my hair look better.<br />
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This photo was taken 10/30/2011 - I have some hair extensions in to make my hair look thicker.</div>
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I finally caved and got my hair cut - not just the ends trimmed, but a real hair cut. I feel HUMAN again! This photo was taken 12/2/2011. <br />
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1/16/12 - my hair is all thick and looking good again!</div>
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Here you can see all the hair I lost around my hairline, forehead, temples and nape of neck....I now have major chemo curls! (1/31/2012)<br />
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I hope these photos inspire you if you have to do chemo. I know how hard this is, but you can do it! I am no different than you are. :)<br />
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Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-1556362158419816322015-12-09T06:41:00.002-08:002015-12-09T06:41:28.189-08:005 YearsThis week marks five years since my breast cancer diagnosis. I can still run through the exact events that happened the day of my diagnosis. I can still see the doctor coming in the room, looking down at the ground because she could not look me in the eyes. I can still remember the thoughts that ran through my mind when she told me. I remember asking myself "have I lived a life I am proud of?" and "how are we going to tell Jayden (my 4 year old son)?" I remember my husband hugging me as we both cried. Everything changed in that moment. Nothing would ever be the same.<br />
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Five years later so much has happened. Sometimes I still can't believe that I went through all I did but in other moments I feel like I relive it every day. It's still surreal. I don't think about having breast cancer every minute of every day like I did at the beginning, but it is a very real part of me in all I do. I have finally gotten to a place where I "own it". I no longer feel the shame I felt when I first got diagnosed. I don't care if people know I had breast cancer. It's part of who I am now. <br />
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Breast cancer has changed my life in so many ways. I still feel like it's effects evolve me a little more and more as time goes on. I feel different about life, people and things going on around me. I have a greater spiritual sense and connection to God. My empathy and understanding for others is stronger in my heart. I want the simple life. I don't waste time on trivial things or superficial people. I want to live each day like it's my last and find the joy, happiness, peace and possibilities that each day brings.<br />
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No one is ever prepared to hear the words "I am sorry there are cancer cells". You can't even believe it is really happening when they say it to you, but some good can come out of it. It took time for me to realize that my life could be better because of breast cancer. I have changed in so many ways since getting cancer. I like to think I have changed in ways that make me a better person. I feel so much more authentic than my old self. Life has a different meaning now. <br />
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As I look forward to another year, I embrace all that 2016 can bring - both good and bad. I know that I will move forward with strength and hope for a great future filled with all the joy I can find and create in my life. I am grateful for the changes I see in myself and knowing I am a better person because of breast cancer. <br />
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Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-6548498464497361582015-10-02T17:03:00.000-07:002015-10-02T17:05:29.195-07:00It's Here Again - Pinktober....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is officially October again which us breast cancer survivors refer to as "pinktober". I was quickly reminded a few weeks ago when I was driving home that it was coming when I saw this truck on a road near my home. Really? I am not sure how pink ribbons on a dump truck are really helping with anything about breast cancer! The pink keeps coming......</div>
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I know this whole month will be full of pink items. Some of my personal favorites are the cement mixer truck I saw a few years ago, pink ribbons on eggs (yes, I opened eggs and found pink ribbons stamped on them!), bras (kind of rubbed me wrong since I had a bilateral mastectomy), scissors and the daily minder which was a daily calendar with pink ribbons on each day of the year so I can savor pinktober 365 days! NOT! Needless to say I have not purchased anything with a pink ribbon on it since I was diagnosed.</div>
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I fight the urge to pink because I just don't feel that awareness is doing anything to actually help fight breast cancer. Awareness is such an ambiguous word. I consider myself a fairly educated women. A bachelor's degree and master's degree. I have worked in the health field for years too. When I was told I had breast cancer, I was in shock like it was some kind of anomaly. How could I get breast cancer? I have no family history or genetic mutation. I was only 45. I had a clear mammogram a few months before I found the lump myself. How is this really possible???? </div>
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After being diagnosed, I was shocked to learn that less than 15% of women diagnosed with breast cancer have a family history of the disease and only 5-10% of those diagnosed have the gene mutation. As educated and "aware" as I thought I was, I thought I was not at great risk because I had no family history. I found it hard to believe that vast majority (85%) of women with breast cancer had no family history. The other thing that really troubled me was that I thought I was OK because I had a clear mammogram. No one ever mentioned that if you have dense breasts that doesn't mean anything. So I realized that the 1 centimeter tumor was there when I had a mammogram a few months earlier and the mammogram didn't catch it at all. This was so hard to digest. The last thing hard to comprehend that there is NO CURE for breast cancer. Yes, there are treatments, but there is no cure for this horrible disease.</div>
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After being diagnosed I felt like an idiot. How could I be so "unaware"? Am I the only one I wondered? In talking to more and more breast cancer survivors over the past few years, I have learned that a majority of us were completely "unaware" before hearing the dreaded words "I am sorry. You have breast cancer." Most of us are younger - between ages 30-50 years old. Most of us were healthy - eat right, non-smoker and regular exercisers. The more I talked to other survivors the more dumbfounded I became. </div>
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So another year goes by and there is more pink stuff all over this month. It's hard to see it everywhere and think that it is really doing anything other than making money for those that sell these pink decorated items. Most of these companies selling this stuff only donate a very small portion of the money they generate to breast cancer. They pocket the rest of the money and make a profit off of a deadly disease that kills over 40,000 women in the US every year. Based on this, I am asking anyone reading this to <strong><span style="color: #a64d79;">THINK BEFORE YOU PINK</span></strong> this October. If you really want to do something to help with breast cancer, donate to an organization that will help put money towards research to find a cure, not make money off of us survivors and their marketing campaigns to look like they care about us. </div>
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Breast cancer survivors are people with lives and families. We want to live and watch our kids grow up. We want to grow old with our spouses. We want to make a difference in the world and reach our goals. We want the same things everyone else wants out of life, to be healthy and happy. We need people to support research for finding a cure for breast cancer, not people buying pretty pink stuff. So this month when you are out and see the pink extravaganza, stop and think. Ask yourself where you want the money to go. Think of the many faces of breast cancer survivors and those still in active treatment. Help be part of finding a cure instead of the ineffective pink awareness campaigns. Help us continue to live the lives we want to live. I pray every single day for a cure for this horrific disease. I fear there won't be a cure in my lifetime and I will miss out on watching my son learn to drive a car, graduate from high school, go to college, get married and have a family of his own. I use to be afraid of growing old, and now I am so afraid I won't live long enough to grow old because of breast cancer. This is my reality and the reality of the other 2.8 million breast cancer survivors in the US.</div>
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Every year I post about the whole pink thing. So I guess I am stepping off my soapbox now and putting it away until next October. Make a real difference and THINK BEFORE YOU PINK! :)</div>
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Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-45741412482960184352015-06-06T07:47:00.001-07:002015-06-06T07:47:36.977-07:00A Different PerspectiveIt has been six months since I have written anything. Sorry for the long delay but the good news is that life does return to normal after breast cancer and I am just busy with everyday life stuff! It's good to not be consumed with cancer talk and crazy thoughts all the time. I won't say that cancer talk and crazy thoughts aren't there at all, but as time goes on, the amount of time spent on this stuff in my daily life gets smaller and smaller. I know it will never go away completely, but I feel like I have come to a place and have accepted the "new normal" and it's OK.<br />
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Now when I talk of cancer, it is usually because someone else I know is going through it or going through another type of tragedy in their life. I notice that the things I learned by going through breast cancer have offered me incredible insight, understanding and compassion for others no matter what type of tragedy or bad thing in their life they are experiencing. I feel I can speak from a place of understanding that I never knew before breast cancer. There is a sincere empathy and place in my heart that reaches out to someone as if I can actually feel their fear and pain. I just feel a different connection to those around me when they are in a time of need and for that, I am thankful.<br />
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Before breast cancer, I always thought of myself as being empathetic, caring and the type of person to help someone in need. I guess I did the best I could, but now I realize that it my ability to feel these things and act on them is at a whole new level. Instead of saying nothing to someone because I don't know what to say or saying something like "it will all be OK", I find different words that are more comforting. I can say "I know you don't know what the future holds and I won't tell you it will all be OK but I will tell you I am praying for you and here for you to talk or help". I can not just slough off the pain, fear and sadness they are feeling and move on with my day..it really touches me and I have this deep sense of empathy that breast cancer taught me. <br />
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As I go through day to day life, I am continually touched by family and friends that are in a bad place. One good friend lost her husband 6 months ago and she is left with two small children. I watch her struggle and "feel" her sadness and uncertainty about the future. I hate when people on Facebook post "you are so strong" to her....she's not strong, she's scared and worried. She is doing all she can to just keep it together just as anyone would in her situation. I never say "you are strong". I tell her she is everything to her kids and her best will be enough for them. They will feel her love and it will be more than the love of two parents that are here. I remind her nothing is perfect but I grew up with only one parent and while I always missed my father growing up, I see what an incredible job my mom did of raising three kids and am so amazed now that I am a parent of what she accomplished by herself. <br />
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Life is hard and I guess that going through breast cancer has taught me so many things that I do think about every day. I have learned that life is short and before something tragic happens in your life, you take things for granted. I have learned that the little things people stress out over are not worth it. They hold no place in "the big picture". I have learned to "let it go" when people are unkind or bitter about petty things. I also have learned to pray for them in hopes that they will "figure it all out" without a horrific tragic event in their life to put it all in perspective. I know I move forward in a place of greater empathy, kindness and concern for others. I have learned to try to see the good in the world and people. I have learned to reach out to others in a time of need instead of staying away because I don't know what to do or say. I am not perfect....never will be, but I have grown in so many ways since my breast cancer experience. Those of us that have breast cancer always say "breast cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving". I guess it does just keep on giving, but in so many ways and not all of them are bad. Some are powerful in a good way. :)<br />
Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-73909606805507913722014-12-31T08:38:00.001-08:002014-12-31T08:38:10.755-08:00Another Year Comes to an End...Another Year BeginsHere I sit on New Year's Eve Day reflecting on another year. Four years ago I sat here writing about hope for 2011 which would be a year full of cancer treatments and surgeries. Now I sit here looking forward to a year that seems way more amazing than that! <br />
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So much has happened in the last four years since finding out I had breast cancer. The more time goes on, in many ways it is harder for me to believe that I actually went through all of that, but there are still lingering thoughts and reminders. Now I still look at my reconstructed body and think "that's not my body". I don't think I will ever except the new body....I can't imagine ever not thinking "that's not my body" when I see my reflection in the mirror. There are too many differences and the scars never completely go away even though they fade significantly. I still take tamoxifen every day and there are reminders from that too. I suffer from body pain and aches in my hands and feet from the medication. I am sick of living with pain from this stupid medication, but it is the medication that is suppose to save my life. I keep trying to tolerate it and not let it effect my daily life, but it does. My feet hurt so bad lately, I hardly workout. I am really going to focus on finding a way to manage this pain or lessen it in the next year. I hate feeling like an 80 year old women every morning when I get out of bed every day, but I am happy to be here and be able to get out of bed every morning so I will forge forward. Hopefully I can find a way to minimize this and not suffer daily from pain.<br />
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This next year will be super busy. My business is going into full swing which is super exciting. I am Vice President of the PTO at my son's school and will be President of the PTO next year. That is keeping me really busy. I am focused on bringing more STEM education programs into our school and working on a big anti-bullying campaign for next fall. I hope to make an impact on the school so kids can have even better learning opportunities and also learn how to spread kindness to others and not bully one another. I have set some lofty goals there haven't I?? Oh well.....I always say to my son, "be the change you want to see in the world"....so I am doing exactly that or at least trying really hard! I also continue to reach out to newly diagnosed breast cancer patients to talk to them so they realize someone else actually "gets it" and has walked in their shoes. I want to offer them hope when they have none. I want to offer them friendship and kindness at the most difficult time in their life. We also continue to welcome other kids into our family. We hosted an exchange student last year and I continue to volunteer with the organization on a regular basis. We always have exchange students coming and going on the weekends at our house which is fun...and we are getting a new student from Tunisia in a few days so our family is always expanding. <br />
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Life is full! Life is happy! Life is filled with friendship and love! LIFE IS GOOD! As I sit here in northern Michigan at a ski resort while my family is skiing (I can't go...I have a fractured arm), I watch the snow fall on the trees and the sun shining down. It is beautiful, peaceful and calm. I love to take these moments to "stop and smell the roses" or "stop and watch the snow fall" and enjoy. I sit here and am so grateful for the amazing life I have. I look to the new year with hope, happiness, faith and big dreams for another magical year. Happy New Year all! :)Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-91957084596810601592014-12-03T11:37:00.002-08:002014-12-03T11:37:59.899-08:00Bittersweet Time of YearWell it has been a super long time since I have written. I guess that is because life slowly returns to normal and busy after breast cancer treatment is over. It's that time of year that is filled with joy, cheer, decorations and happy times, but for me it is still bittersweet. It was this time of year when I heard those life changing words "it's not good...there are cancer cells" four years ago. In many ways, it seems SO long ago, but in other ways all of it comes rushing back.<br />
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This time four years ago, I was living a care free life. I thought that cancer and all other bad things could NEVER happen to me. Those things only happen to other people. I got up and plowed through each day and didn't appreciate things as much as I could have because I was too busy....too stressed.....life was crazy. I didn't take time to "live in the moment" as much as I should have. I was not as patient as I could have been. I was always over committed and felt like I was juggling way too much. I would not say I was a bad person...I was just normal. Looking back now, I think I was a bit naive.<br />
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Now, four years later, I am different. I have learned a lot in the last four years that has changed me. I definitely see that I have learned how to not sweat the small stuff as much as I use to. I let things go way more than I use to. I live in the moment more. I take time to stop and smell the roses. I am more patient with my son and others. Most of all, I have grown to understand TRUE empathy for others. I feel I can connect with people on a different level when they are faced with a difficult situation or tragedy in their life. Breast cancer has made me a better person. I guess that is the silver lining to the dark cloud cancer brings. <br />
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I like most of the changes in myself. I can't say I am "glad" that I went through breast cancer, but it did bring me to a better place in life in many ways. I want to look to the future holding on to that because some good did come out of this experience. <br />
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For those of you reading this that are newly diagnosed, or still going through treatment, it is a long road. I am not some "strong" woman or "super girl". I was not different than you when I was going through this. I never thought I could reach a place like this in my life after my diagnosis. I just want to assure you that you can get here too. Give it time..... I hate that old saying "time heals all wounds", but it is true! Time can work miracles. Be patient and kind to yourself! Happy holidays!Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-22656527261217681412014-07-24T12:18:00.001-07:002014-07-24T12:18:24.778-07:00I Got The Text This TimeLast time someone I know was diagnosed with breast cancer, I got the phone call for help and information. A few weeks ago....I got the text. A good friend's mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 triple negative breast cancer. This was hard for me to take since one of my good friends of over 15 years just finished treatment the week before. My heart sank again. <br />
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Every time someone I know gets diagnosed I get angry. Why can't there be a cure for this beast? It deeply saddens me to know that someone else has to live with the reality of breast cancer and the fear that is associated with it. Since my own diagnosis I have had many friends and acquaintances get diagnosed. Breast Cancer is EVERYWHERE! I just never knew how prevalent it was. Now it touches my life in so many ways and far to often. <br />
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I continue to pray every day for a cure or even a vaccine to prevent the disease from ever happening again. For now I also continue to offer support and an ear to those going through diagnosis and treatment. Since starting this blog I have talked to many women - especially those using cold caps through chemo. It makes me feel good to give back and to offer hope to someone that is holding on by a thread. I hope one day I won't have to help anyone with breast cancer because it no longer exists.Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-8305109780309103952014-07-24T12:09:00.000-07:002014-08-08T10:29:34.548-07:00Cold Cap Success Story!I have had the opportunity to meet many cold cap users over the past three years and occasionally one is willing to share her experience and story on my blog. I am pleased to share another story about someone's experience using Penguin Cold Caps. I hope this helps other women realize they have a choice while going through chemo and that cold caps REALLY DO WORK! <br />
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Here is her story in her words:<br />
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There are many reasons that women (and some men) use Cold Caps. My decision to use the Caps stems from my desire to avoid the added trauma of seeing myself bald. I recognize that my emotional and psychological wellbeing is important and deserving of care. The diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer is traumatic in of itself. Throughout this ordeal I have made it my mission to avoid and reduce as many side effects as I can. This, of course, included my efforts to save my hair. The caps were also a welcome distraction from the cancer. Chemo can be frightening. I was too busy trying to save my hair to think about the chemo. I had four rounds of TC and ultimately saved 50% of my hair. The regrowth of lost hair is happening quickly. I use Biotin and Liquid Silica to help it along. <br />
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It is important to have realistic expectations when using the cap. Most people do lose a substantial amount of hair but never need a wig or scarf. I’m really not the type of person to wear a wig and imagine it to be hot and itchy. My hair thinned a lot but the regrowth is filling in quickly. The downside of capping is the expense and the added effort. It is a labor intensive project that requires assistance from others. In the end, however, I am very happy to have kept enough of my hair that I can look in the mirror each day and not feel the distress of alopecia. <br />
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I am truly grateful to my friends who accompanied me to each infusion and managed my caps. I call them my “Mad Cappers”. They actually made chemo fun. We had a nice spread for lunch and they entertained me with stories and jokes. My final infusion was a chemo party. Here is the video: <a href="http://www.magisto.com/video/P10aJEgWGj4rDxNpYw" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0072c6;">http://www.magisto.com/video/P10aJEgWGj4rDxNpYw</span></a> I also appreciate the help and advice I’ve received from other Cold Cappers. Although I was skeptical about my about the efficacy of the caps, it was the photos on breastcancer.org and Maria’s blog that convinced me. Thanks Maria!<br />
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If you wish to contact me, I am on breastcancer.org and my handle is Warrior_Woman. <br />
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Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-88873368046914052052014-06-25T08:00:00.000-07:002014-06-25T08:01:08.996-07:00Getting Over it is Not That EasyI was talking to my friend that just finished treatment for breast cancer a few weeks ago and she said something that got me thinking. She said "I did treatment and now I am just suppose to move on like nothing happened?" I can totally relate to what she meant. Moving on after hearing the words "you have cancer" is NOT that easy. <br />
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What most people don't realize is that breast cancer leaves major emotional damage. Your life is never the same after you find out you have a non-curable, deadly disease. For a long time thoughts of my breast cancer were a huge part of my day. I could not simply forget what I went through. When I got dressed in the morning, I could see the scars. When I went to lunch with friends, I could not eat the hormone infested foods. When I went to the grocery store and was offered a sample of something that contained hormones, I could not try it. When I go to the gym and see women in the locker room with "normal" breasts, it reminded me I would never have "normal breasts" again. When I get up in the morning, I take the anxiety medicine I need to have since my diagnosis along with my tamoxifen which will hopefully help prevent recurrence. When I answer my phone, it is one of my many doctor offices calling to confirm one of my many appointments. I could go on and on about all of the many daily reminders of breast cancer...there are so many. <br />
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Despite these things, I have tried very hard to "move on" with my life and live it. I don't sit around and think about breast cancer all the time like when I was first diagnosed, but I do have my own independent thoughts of breast cancer throughout the day that are not triggered by the things I mentioned above. It is just something you can't escape. Even though there are so many daily reminders, I am doing OK. <br />
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What most people don't realize is that there are lingering issues from breast cancer that don't allow some patients to simply "move on" with their life. The reason they can't just "move on" is because they are still living it every single day. There are some things that you just can't "get over" from this disease.<br />
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I am very fortunate that I did my treatment and reconstruction surgery and did not have any real challenges. I healed well. What's hard for me is talking to my friends that were not so lucky. I have friends that started this journey over three years ago with me and they are still in the middle of it all. They have had lingering problems that prevent them from "moving on".<br />
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One of my dear friends had a horrible plastic surgeon. He totally botched up her reconstruction surgery. She then had to find a new surgeon and start all over again. When she did her second reconstruction, her body didn't heal easily. She got infections and it took a long time to recover. While she loves her new breasts, she wanted to look more normal and decided to get nipple surgery. That caused problems and she got infected and had to have additional work done. Since her diagnosis she also had to have a hysterectomy among some personal challenges in her life. She started this journey with me over three years ago, and she is STILL in the middle of it. Emotionally, she is exhausted. I would be too. My heart aches for her. It's not fair. She needs her life back. She still continues forward, simply doing what she needs to do to get through this. At times in her life, people that don't "get it" make insensitive comments, acting like she is doing this because she wants to. How horrible. NO ONE wants to do this! It sucks! She is merely doing what she has to do to get through this. It has been a long, exhausting and draining battle for her. She wants her life back. From the outside, you would never know. She looks amazing. This is what is going on inside though. This is the reality of breast cancer.<br />
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I have another friend. She was diagnosed over seven years ago. She had bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Her surgeon also left her with uneven, horrible new breasts. After years of suffering with these, she opted to work with a new surgeon to fix things. This time her body rejected the implant and would not heal. She has had 4-5 surgeries since November (yes, less than a year!!!). She finally had to go with a different type of reconstruction (a flap) and had healing issues with that. She just had an additional surgery a few weeks ago. It has been over 7 years of this crap she has had to endure. Breast cancer sucks!<br />
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I have two other friends that are dealing with the lasting effects of chemo. Their doctors neglected to tell them that the taxotere chemotherapy can cause permanent hair loss. Both friends suffer with hair so thin you can see their scalp and bald spots. One friend use to be a runway model in her younger days. She had beautiful hair and her doctor assured her that her hair would be beautiful again after chemo. She has suffered emotional trauma because of the hair loss. It is a constant reminder. She has to cover her bald spot every morning with topix. She has to disguise the bald areas. Her hair has to stay short because it will no longer grow longer than an inch in areas. She is devastated. How can you just "move on" when there is no hope of ever having hair again??? She has to live with this for the rest of her life. She is angry. Others around her don't seem to understand why she just can't "move on" or "get over it". Could you??? She had asked her medical oncologist about using cold caps before chemo but they would not let her. They assured her she would have hair again but she doesn't. She has been dealing with this for almost three years now. She will deal with it for the rest of her life too. <br />
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There are so many women that have tried to "move on" after treatment, but sometimes it's just not possible because you are still living it every single day. In addition to living through the surgeries or permanent hair loss, you still have all the reminders I deal with on a daily basis. How does one live in that world and "get over it"??? I wish I knew. <br />
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As I always say, "breast cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving". It's so true. While I am fortunate my world is a bit brighter than some of my friends, I continue to be a support to them and be there for them through the dark times. I don't expect them to "move on" or to "get over it". This is still very existent in their world. They need the support of friends that "get it" and will just listen. Breast cancer has given me wonderful friends that I would never have met if I were not diagnosed. For that I am thankful. I cherish those friends and hold them close to my heart. I will continue to support them and be there for them. We are forever bonded. <br />
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Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-75920706194231224752014-05-02T06:46:00.000-07:002014-05-02T06:46:48.152-07:00Cold Cap Therapy Clinical TrialsWell it has been forever since I posted. I guess that is because as I said before I am just busy living life. This week marks three years since I finished chemo. In some ways it feels like yesterday, but in other ways it seems so long ago. Either way, I am grateful every day for my health and the life I have. Life is good! Here I am today!<br />
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I continue to support those going through treatment for this dreaded disease and offer hope. I wanted to share some information regarding clinical trials for cold cap therapy that are going on. I know many of you that read my blog read about my experience with cold caps. I hope this information helps someone out there that is interested in giving the cold caps a try. I used Penguin Cold Caps, but there is another cold cap company enrolling patients in clinical trials:<br />
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Information about Dignicaps:<br />
<a href="http://www.medgadget.com/2013/06/dignicap-to-help-prevent-chemo-caused-hair-loss-cleared-for-fda-trial.html">http://www.medgadget.com/2013/06/dignicap-to-help-...</a><br />
Plus a recent CBS TV News story about them:<br />
<a href="http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2014/03/18/ucla-tests-new-device-that-may-save-patients-hair-during-chemotherapy/">http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2014/03/18/ucla-tes...</a><br />
Below is the government webpage with information about the Dignicap Trials and where to contact the hospitals and doctors involved:<br />
<a href="http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01831024">http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01831024</a><br />
There are two locations in New York City, one in San Francisco and one in Winston-Salem, NC. The cost of using the Dignicaps as part of the trial is nothing. It is hoping to enroll 110 people by September 2014.<br />
United States, CaliforniaSan Francisco, California, United States, 94115Contact: Hope S. Rugo, MD 415-353-7428 <a href="mailto:hrugo%40medicine.ucsf.edu?subject=NCT01831024,%20DIG-001,%20Efficacy%20and%20Safety%20of%20Dignicap%20System%20for%20Preventing%20Chemotherapy%20Induced%20Alopecia">hrugo@medicine.ucsf.edu</a> Principal Investigator: Hope S. Rugo, MD United States, New YorkNew York, New York, United States, 10065Contact: Tessa Cigler, MD 617-821-0726 <a href="mailto:tec9002%40med.cornell.edu?subject=NCT01831024,%20DIG-001,%20Efficacy%20and%20Safety%20of%20Dignicap%20System%20for%20Preventing%20Chemotherapy%20Induced%20Alopecia">tec9002@med.cornell.edu</a> Principal Investigator: Tessa Cigler, MD New York, New York, United States, 10011Contact: Margarita Gilyadova, MD 212-367-0181 <a href="mailto:mgilyado%40chpnet.org?subject=NCT01831024,%20DIG-001,%20Efficacy%20and%20Safety%20of%20Dignicap%20System%20for%20Preventing%20Chemotherapy%20Induced%20Alopecia">mgilyado@chpnet.org</a> Principal Investigator: Paula Klein, MD United States, North CarolinaWinston-Salem, North Carolina, United States, 27157Contact: Susan A. Melin, MD 336-716-2839 <a href="mailto:smelin%40wakehealth.edu?subject=NCT01831024,%20DIG-001,%20Efficacy%20and%20Safety%20of%20Dignicap%20System%20for%20Preventing%20Chemotherapy%20Induced%20Alopecia">smelin@wakehealth.edu</a> Principal Investigator: Susan A. Melin, MD <br />
Eligibility<br />
Ages Eligible for Study: 18 Years and olderGenders Eligible for Study: FemaleAccepts Healthy Volunteers: No<br />
Criteria<br />
Inclusion Criteria:<br />
<ul>
<li>Female patients >/= 18 years of age</li>
<li>Documented diagnosis of stage I or II breast cancer</li>
<li>A planned course of chemotherapy in the adjuvant or neoadjuvant setting with curative intent including one of the following regimens: <ul>
<li>Doxorubicin 60 mg/m2 and cyclophosphamide 600 mg/m2 x 4 - 6 cycles IV every 2 - 3 weeks</li>
<li>Docetaxel 75 mg/m2 and cyclophosphamide 600 mg/m2 x 4 - 6 cycles IV every 3 weeks</li>
<li>Paclitaxel 80 mg/m2 weekly IV x at least 12 weeks with or without IV trastuzumab</li>
<li>Paclitaxel 175 mg/m2 IV every 2 weeks x 4 - 6 cycles (without an anthracycline)</li>
<li>Paclitaxel weekly and carboplatin AUC 2 weekly or AUC 6 every 3 weeks IV x 4 - 6 cycles and trastuzumab IV weekly or every 3 weeks</li>
<li>Docetaxel 75 mg/m2 and carboplatin AUC 6 IV every 3 weeks x 4 - 6 cycles and trastuzumab IV weekly or every 3 weeks</li>
<li>Targeted agents such as trastuzumab or lapatinib are allowed</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li>Plan to complete chemotherapy within 6 months</li>
<li>At least two years out from the last chemotherapy causing hair loss with complete recovery of hair</li>
<li>Karnofsky performance status >/= 80%</li>
<li>Willing and able to sign informed consent for protocol treatment</li>
<li>Willing to participate in study procedures including having photographs of the head before the first cycle of chemotherapy and 1 month after the last chemotherapy</li>
<li>Willing to enroll in an extension protocol for follow up for 5 years following the end of chemotherapy treatment</li>
</ul>
Exclusion Criteria:<br />
<ul>
<li>Patients with female pattern baldness resembling picture I-3 or higher on the Savin scale</li>
<li>Autoimmune disease affecting hair; e.g. alopecia areata, systemic lupus with associated hair loss</li>
<li>A history of whole brain radiation</li>
<li>Plans to use a chemotherapy regimen other than those specified in the inclusion criteria. Specifically, patients receiving a regimen including both an anthracycline and a taxane are not eligible for this trial (AC/T, EC/T, TAC, etc.)</li>
<li>Concurrent hormone therapy with chemotherapy. Hormone therapy should be used as indicated following completion of chemotherapy</li>
<li>Underlying clinically significant liver disease including active viral hepatitis with abnormal liver function tests >1.5 times the upper limit of normal, including alkaline phosphatase, AST, and total bilirubin. Patients with Gilbert´s disease (elevated indirect bilirubin only) will be eligible for participation.</li>
<li>Clinically significant renal dysfunction defined as serum creatinine > upper limit of normal.</li>
<li>A serious concurrent infection or medical illness which would jeopardize the ability of the patient to complete the planned therapy and follow-up</li>
<li>A history of persistent grade 2 (or higher) alopecia induced by prior chemotherapeutic regimens</li>
<li>Participation in any other clinical investigation or exposure to other investigational agents, drugs, device or procedure that may cause hair loss</li>
<li>Intercurrent life-threatening malignancy</li>
<li>A history of cold agglutinin disease or cryoglobulinemia.</li>
<li>Evidence of untreated or poorly controlled hyper or hypothyroidism</li>
<li>A history of silicon allergy</li>
<li>American Society of Anesthesiologist Class ≥3</li>
</ul>
Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-11315054100737148752014-01-22T06:20:00.000-08:002014-01-22T06:20:49.567-08:00I Got The CallSince I got diagnosed with breast cancer three years ago and learned that one in eight women will get breast cancer over the course of their lifetime, I have been worried about my female friends and family. I keep wondering who will get it next. Maybe that seems morbid, but I have more than eight women that are an important part of my life so I know in time there is a very real possibility that someone I care about will get breast cancer. Last week that fear came true. I got the call from a good friend that I have known for over 13 years and she told me she had been diagnosed. My heart sank.<br />
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My good friend Emily is a mom and wife. She is a great person. She's caring, funny, supportive and an awesome mom to her two college aged kids. She was so kind to me when I was going through everything. She always listened and offered comfort. As I type this, I still can't believe she has to go through all of this. <br />
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Since hearing her news, it has made me go back to the first days when I was just diagnosed. Her comments sound like exactly what I experienced. She said yesterday "I just can't believe this is really happening to me". I remember feeling the same way. The shock and disbelief combined with the fear was enough to make anyone go crazy. The uncertainty about what was to come and what it would feel like was intense. It was so hard to accept that I actually had cancer. <br />
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Now as dear Emily moves forward through this journey I will be there for her and her family. I know what they are going through and hope I can offer comfort and hope that there is life beyond breast cancer. Where I am now in life is a far cry from where I was three years ago. I hope she can see that and look to the future in a positive light. Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-49825764055292353722013-12-10T15:38:00.000-08:002013-12-10T15:38:18.408-08:00Three YearsThree years ago this week, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's still hard for me to write those words "breast cancer". In some ways it seems like yesterday but in other ways it seems so long ago. Sometimes it almost feels like it never really happened but then I see myself when I change clothes and see the "new me" and then there is proof it really did happen.<br />
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I am trying to reflect on all I have gone through since my diagnosis and how it has change me and my life forever. In many ways, life it back to normal but there are some things that will never be "normal" again. Breast cancer can change so many things if you are the person that lived it. For those around me it's like it never really happened and they forget and think it's all over. For me, breast cancer will never be completely "over". <br />
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As of now (as far as I know) I don't have breast cancer. The odds the doctors gave me were good, but most of the studies they quote from refer to the possibility of recurrence within ten years. I plan on living more than ten years, so what happens after these ten years are up??? What are my odds then? I don't think they really know. It's hard to live in terms of odds for the remaining seven years!<br />
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I have lived to see many women have recurrence years out from their diagnosis. Sometimes it can be twenty years later. I feel like all of the treatment I have done is just to "buy time" until additional treatments are available if and when the breast cancer returns. I continue to read about new potential medications and treatments and every day I pray for a cure for breast cancer. I hope I live to see the day where no one must die from this horrible disease. <br />
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I would like to think it will never return, but I am a realist. The thought still lingers in my mind but the major difference now (three years later) is it is not a part of my life every moment of every day. I do still think about my breast cancer everyday. There are too many reminders, but I think of it a lot less than I use to which is great. I can actually sleep at night without the help of medication. That is quite different than it was three years ago!<br />
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As the holidays approach, I clearly remember going through my diagnosis privately and putting on the "happy holiday face" until I could tell my family and friends when the holidays were over. This time of year is hard for me as now it has memories of breast cancer. It's hard not to think about it because I remember living it. I try to continually be positive about my future and not fixate on recurrence. I will continue to "live in the moment" and focus on the things I can do to stay as healthy as possible. I will continue to love my family and friends and see the good in the world. I will have faith that I will buy time until there is a cure for breast cancer and live to grow old with my husband. For now, life is good....really good! A far cry from three years ago! I never thought I would be here, but I am! Yay!<br />
Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-75201244646383575852013-08-20T20:26:00.003-07:002013-08-20T20:26:56.510-07:00Living The Life I Always ImaginedI remember when I got diagnosed with breast cancer it changed everything. I felt like maybe there were things in my life that I should just give up on pursuing because of the breast cancer. One of the things I gave up on was expanding our family. Since I was an "older" mom (I had my son a few months before turning 41 years old) I never thought I would naturally give birth to another child. I was not ready to immediately get pregnant and have another baby right after he was born, but wanted more children. I always figured my husband and I would adopt a child in the future. Maybe we would not adopt a baby because of our age, but perhaps a child close in age to our son in a few years down the road. I always saw us expanding our family in some way. <br />
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Once I got diagnosed, I knew I could not have more children (but by then I was already 45 and the hormones would not be good for me) but I felt some strong hesitation to even adopting. I guess I just don't want to make things more difficult for my husband should I have to deal with breast cancer again. I know if it comes back it's going to be far worse than my first diagnosis. It sadden me to think that I was giving up on the family I always wanted to have. For a while I just accepted it even though it made me sad and angry at times.<br />
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Then I realized there were other ways to expand our family. We looked into hosting a foreign exchange student. This would be a great way to give our son the experience of having a sibling, but not a permanent situation so I would not worry about making things harder for my sweet husband if I got sick again. So, we applied last spring and went through the process and were accepted as a host family! It was all so exciting and the anticipation of a new child in our home was amazing. <br />
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I am happy to say that we now have a daughter from Italy! She is 17 and a senior in our local high school. She is beautiful and smart and we all adore her. She has been with us for almost two weeks now and it feels natural. We have been emailing each other weekly since April and in that time I have gotten to know her and her mom very well. Her mom is also a breast cancer survivor too (for 7 years now). We have even spoken about how she felt when her mom was diagnosed and going through treatment. This has made our bond even closer. <br />
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I am living my dream of having a daughter - even if it is only for a year. I just somehow feel a sense of happiness that my dream is coming true of expanding our family. Sometimes you get what you want, but it doesn't look the way you imagined it would be. It's still good though! Both of my kids are off to start school tomorrow. I am excited for both of them and hoping for a great school year. Life is good....even after breast cancer!!!!Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-64804911391883821842013-07-30T16:42:00.000-07:002013-07-30T16:42:01.526-07:00It's Invading My Circle of FriendsToday I got a phone call from a good friend I have known for 13 years. She is having breast issues. This is the second call I have gotten from a friend in the past 6 months regarding abnormal mammograms. I feel like the threat of breast cancer is now invading my circle of friends. I know that over a woman's lifetime, she has a 1 in 8 chance of getting breast cancer, but I just don't want to watch friends go through this nightmare too. I thought I was the 1 in 8 in my group. This is so frustrating and scary. <br />
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At this point neither friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer, but one friend is now at a 4 to 5 times greater risk of developing breast cancer with the pathology from her biopsy. The other friend is on a six month follow up for her abnormal mammogram and has not had a biopsy yet. <br />
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I have lots of friends that have or have had breast cancer, but these are women I have met through my own journey of dealing with breast cancer. My path crossed with their paths because of our breast cancer. I just didn't expect other dear friends that are healthy to have to deal with this. <br />
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I am very grateful that at this point neither friend has been officially diagnosed, but I am scared for them both. I am scared for my other friends, my sister, my nieces and my friend's daughters. Breast cancer is a horrible disease that reeks havoc on normal, healthy women. I want so badly for them to find a cure.<br />
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In addition to finding a cure, I want women to realize that this CAN happen to you. I never thought it could happen to me, but it did. Breast cancer does not discriminate. If you are reading this, please do monthly self breast exams in addition to getting regular mammograms. Don't have a false sense of security with a clear mammogram either as some tumors are not seen on mammograms for women that have dense breast tissue (that happened to me - a clear mammogram months before I found a 1 cm lump that had been there when I had the mammogram). Do everything you can to detect anything abnormal early so you have choices. <br />
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At this point I have started to think of breast cancer as more of a chronic disease . I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life even if I don't have active disease. I just keep hoping that I can continue with oral medications and when my 5 years of that is finished there will be new options and research available to lead me to other ways to reduce my risk of recurrence. <br />
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Tonight I will pray for my dear friends dealing with the fear of breast cancer and my other breast cancer sisters. I will again be fundraising this fall to help find a cure. There just has to be a cure out there somewhere.Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-32250389694953345842013-06-26T14:38:00.000-07:002013-06-26T14:38:38.283-07:00Maybe God Is Helping Me OutOver the past few years I have had plenty of time to think about breast cancer and wonder how come I got it. I have learned that I will never really understand how or why I won the breast cancer lottery, so I have tried very hard to let those questions go from my mind. Most of the time I do pretty good with this, but at other times I hear those questions in my head. At some points it has challenged my faith in God. <br />
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When I was diagnosed I kept thinking "why did God let this happen to me?" I also wondered if I was a bad person or had done something horrible to deserve this (the guilt comes along with being raised Catholic I guess!). Then I began to think that maybe God had nothing to do with me getting breast cancer. Maybe it was going to happen no matter what and there wasn't anyone that could stop it - not even God. I think of all of the babies born sick or young children getting bad illnesses and think that God would not just "let" that happen. I have always had faith in God. Why was breast cancer making me question my faith? <br />
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One day I had a revelation. I began to think that maybe I was looking at it all wrong, and that maybe God was there to help me out. For whatever reason, I did find the lump in my breast even when the mammogram did not find it. I did get diagnosed with breast cancer, but it was Stage 1 breast cancer. While getting breast cancer at any stage is difficult, I realize how fortunate I am to have been diagnosed in an early stage. I also began to think that being diagnosed with hormone receptor positive and HER2 negative breast cancer was also a blessing since there are more treatments available for this type of breast cancer. Again, maybe that is what God "could" do to help me out. <br />
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Over two and a half years being diagnosed, I have come to accept so many things in my life that I never thought I would have to deal with. I am glad that I have come to accept that God was there for me and he is watching over me. I am grateful for every day I have to spend with my family and those I love. I am thankful for feeling so good. For these things, I thank God and continue to have faith.Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-21269175796944118312013-04-20T06:49:00.001-07:002013-04-20T06:49:25.739-07:00Surgery Was A BreezeYesterday I had the oophorectomy surgery (ovary removal). It's funny but after all I have been through I was not even nervous at all. It seemed like no big deal. Normally surgery would freak me out but after having breast cancer and all that comes with it, other things don't seem like such a big deal. <br />
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My husband took me to surgery yesterday. The nursing staff was great and once they put medication in my IV I didn't remember a thing. I didn't even remember being wheeled into to operating room. Next thing I remember I was waking up. I didn't really have pain either. That was a surprise! <br />
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My biggest thrill was not having nausea and vomiting after surgery. Usually I get super sick from anesthesia and throw up for a whole day. It was a pleasant surprise to feel OK after surgery and not feel like puking! That put a smile on my face!<br />
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I was home from the hospital by 11:30am and spent the afternoon chilling out on my couch. I napped off and on and woke up feeling rested this morning. I have not had to take any pain medication either. I could not have asked for a better surgery experience! I am glad it's over with though!<br />
Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-60774062254787448012013-03-26T10:17:00.001-07:002013-03-26T10:17:25.090-07:00More Surgery...This is Nothing!Well I have still been busy living life and loving it so I have not posted much. I am doing OK but as the title says, I need more surgery. I need to have my ovaries out....joy hu? There is a cyst that just won't go away and my doctors want to be very thorough with things given my history with breast cancer so out comes the ovary. Since I am having one ovary out and estrogen is not my friend, I decided to have both ovaries out to further reduce any estrogen in my body. <br />
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What's funny is having surgery doesn't even scare me. I guess you put it all in perspective with what I have already been through, and this means a laproscopic oophrectomy seems like nothing. My surgery is next month and the recovery should be pretty easy from what I am told. <br />
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So I got excited that I would have less estrogen in my body since my breast cancer was fueled by hormones but then my medical oncologist took the wind out of my sails. He ordered a DEXA scan to get a baseline on my bone density. The results indicated I have osteopenia which is a precursor for osteoporosis. I am only 47 years old! That was a huge shock. I already exercise, maintain a low body weight, eat healthy, don't smoke, avoid processed foods, take calcium, etc.....how the heck did I get osteopenia? I guess this will be another question I will never know the answer to. <br />
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Now that I have osteopenia, I will most likely not be able to switch to an aromatase inhibitor (which is what post menopausal breast cancer patients take if their tumor was estrogen dependent) which offers the best protection from recurrence. The aromatase inhibitors can directly affect bone density and since I am at risk already, this is probably not the best choice for me. I guess I may stay on tamoxifen which does not effect bone density but is a little less effective in post menopausal women. This is so frustrating.<br />
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I am off to see an endocrinologist to discuss my bone density issues and see what they recommend. Looks like I will be put on some type of medication to help with my bone density. I feel like an old lady! I take pills daily and go to the doctor all the time. So now I have a whole list of doctors: medical oncologist, plastic surgeon, internist, gynecologist and endocrinologist. I also have an orthopedic sports medicine doctor and am doing some physical therapy for a hip injury a few times a week. Crazy! Isn't this what old ladies do??? LOL!<br />
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Oh well. Either way, I am thankful for the overall health and life I have now. I will continue to do what I can to stay healthy and hopefully live a long life. Each day is a gift and can be filled with joy if you let it. Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-65605271102808028592013-01-16T07:34:00.003-08:002013-01-16T07:34:36.257-08:00Just Busy Living LifeI feel bad that I have not posted in a long time, but as the title of this post says "I have just been busy living life". That's a good thing right? I guess what I mean by that is I have not had as much time or focus on thinking about breast cancer as much as I use to. I have been very actively starting my art business (that was my 2011 New Year's Resolution - yikes!) that I have been behind on. I am also working on decorating our new home. I volunteer at my son's school art class and teach fitness programs for the kids sometimes after school. I am on the PTO (never thought I would say that!) and help raise money for the school. In addition, I continue to help newly diagnosed breast cancer patients by talking to them and offering encouragement (I talked to three newly diagnosed women just this past week!). I also write letters new newly diagnosed women through Girls Love Mail (link at bottom of my blog). <br />
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As I think about all that has transpired in the past two years since my diagnosis, it is a lot to take in. So much has happened at times it's hard to comprehend. For me though, I continue to try to move forward in my life in a healthy, positive way. I am to a place where breast cancer DOES NOT define me. It is something that happened to me - but it is not who I am. I really believe that now. I don't know when I got here in my thoughts, but it is a GOOD feeling. <br />
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I know I will never truly be free from breast cancer. It will always be a part of who I am, but as time goes on it becomes a smaller and smaller part of me. For that I am grateful. Life is amazing and I am so happy. I won't let breast cancer rob me of that every day. I won't be defined by breast cancer or the fear that comes with it. I just won't! I guess that is why I don't post as much anymore. I am just busy living life! I hope that anyone newly diagnosed or at the beginning of the breast cancer road holds on to this post and keeps the faith that they will feel this way too one day. Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-25184154631963653232012-12-07T18:37:00.002-08:002012-12-07T18:37:37.960-08:00It's Been Two YearsAs I looked at the calendar today I realized that tomorrow it will be exactly two years since the whole breast cancer thing started. Two years ago they told me "it no longer looks consistent with something benign". I can still remember the exact words. I can still remember that beautiful, clear, sunny December day when everything changed. Sometimes I can't believe it all happened and other times it seems so real. <br />
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When I look at my life now, it could not be any more different than it was when I was diagnosed. If you told me two years ago that I would quite my career, stay home, do volunteer work and be a soccer mom I would have laughed. Now, that is my reality. It's a far cry from the type A, career driven working mom I was before.<br />
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The other day I was driving in my car and thinking about my life now and just thinking how incredibly happy I am. I love my new life. I feel such joy everyday. I feel like a completely different person than the woman I was before breast cancer. I am glad that I get to experience this level of joy in my life, but feel sad that it took breast cancer to get here. I know I can't change that so I don't dwell on it, but I just wish I could have gotten here a different way.<br />
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The other thing I thought about is "will this all come crashing down"? Life feels so good now....will something come along and destroy that? I know that sounds negative, but life seems too good to be true at times. That scares me.<br />
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As I think about how I felt at the beginning of my diagnosis, how I felt one year after diagnosis and how I feel now I realize just how far I have come. I have found a place in my life where I believe in myself and don't live in fear every minute of every day. I am focusing on enjoying my life. I am not focusing on breast cancer. I have learned so much from my experience that I continue to try to support those that are behind me on the breast cancer road. I want to offer them a bit of hope when things seem so hopeless, just as others did for me. <br />
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Two years after my diagnosis, I have to say that life is great. I am happy. I feel healthy. I continue to pray for a cure for breast cancer and especially for those not as fortunate. Please God, let there be a cure. <br />
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<br />Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-87136875403120738432012-10-29T17:55:00.002-07:002012-10-29T17:55:41.825-07:00Deja VuYes, it has been a long time since I posted. I guess the more time that goes by after diagnosis and treatment, the more "normal" life becomes again. That is a good thing considering how difficult it is to walk through all the steps involved with breast cancer. I remember it being so "all consuming" and such a part of EVERY minute of my day. I am glad that as time has gone on, it has become less consuming and a much smaller part of my day.<br />
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We just returned from our yearly Bahamas vacation. We have gone the past several years, but didn't go last year because of my treatment and our move out of state. The last time we went was shortly before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. When I would look at the photos from that trip before my diagnosis, I just got sad because life was "normal" back then. Now everything is different. I mourn living in a care-free way and not worrying about cancer. Maybe I was just naive back then and thought I was invincible or something. Either way, I feel sad that breast cancer has changed my life forever.<br />
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When we went on our trip last week, it was like a big "deja vu". I felt so much more normal. I felt like it was just a "normal" vacation. I can't say that I never thought about breast cancer, but I can say that I didn't think about it all the time. Strangely, it felt like my old life and our previous trips to the Bahamas. That was refreshing for a change!<br />
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The other thing I noticed is how my perspective on things has changed. Maybe it's the whole breast cancer experience, or perhaps the Effexor I take, but I am so much more laid back about things than I use to be. Hurricane Sandy hit the Bahamas while we were there and I just went with the flow. I am not sure the old me would have done that. My poor husband was stressed and complaining a lot about the storm ruining our trip. I kept saying "go with it...you can't change it, so let's have some fun spending time together!" I had to keep reminding him of that for those few days. That was strange to hear myself (former "type A", high strung person) telling him to chill out! That was not a "deja vu" moment by any means, but it was nice to not worry about it. I guess given what I have been through, hurricane Sandy is nothing!<br />
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I hope anyone newly diagnosed reading this finds hope in the old saying that "in time things will get better", because it's true. I never thought I would be able to say that, but here I am putting it in print. I hope time continues to allow me more and more "normal" life experiences and much less time spent thinking about breast cancer. Life IS going on every day and any time I spend worrying about all of this is time wasted. I have to remember that in those little moments of breast cancer panic. I hope to continue to have "deja vu" experiences that remind me of my pre-breast cancer life. <br />
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<br />Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-27191231243902093112012-08-24T14:01:00.000-07:002012-08-24T14:01:34.552-07:00A Dose of Just What I Needed<br />
I have been so busy all summer living life and being at home with my son, I have not had as much time to dwell on breast cancer and all that comes with it. Now that my son is back to school, I am trying to get back into a routine. This morning started like any other morning. I was up early, got dressed, got my son up and dressed. We had breakfast and then I got him off to school. I sat here at home getting ready to hit the gym and then it hit me......it was just a "normal morning" the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It started like any other day, but it was NOT like any other day. I guess my anxiety was getting the best of me today since I had my three month medical oncology appointment today.<br />
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My mind kept racing with crazy thoughts. What if my blood work reveals something bad? What if the doctor notices something bad? What if today is another day that is NOT like any other day? All of my fears of breast cancer and what I have been through came rushing back all at once. I was left feeling emotional and stressed out. I went to the gym. I did not feel like running today, but I did anyway. I guess the stress really pushed me. It was the first time I have run 6 miles in less than 60 minutes! I didn't even have a cramp in my side. I guess I was really wound up from all the breast cancer thoughts.<br />
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When I left the gym, I sent a text to my dear friend Shannon (one of my Bosom Buddies - we went through this crap together). I asked her to call me as I was having a rough day. Within minutes, the phone rang. We talked about all of this. She put me at ease and helped me talk about my fears. She "got it" as she has the same fears most of the time. I chatted with her until I walked into the medical oncology office. (Gosh am I grateful for Bosom Buddies!!!)<br />
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My doctor appointment went well. He said my blood was "pristine." That was a great way to start off the appointment. At one point I said I wanted to review some current clinical trials for treatments that may help improve my odds. He seemed a bit taken back by my questions. He kept reinforcing I had great odds already. I said, "well since breast cancer is not curable I will continue to search for new or additional ways I can help myself be here to watch my son grow up." He said "who told you breast cancer was not curable?" I said "none of my doctors have EVER used the word curable....only treatable with good outcomes. Many of the studies talk about survival rates for the next 10 years after diagnosis - I never hear of them referring to the rest of your life." He replied with "CURABLE, CURABLE, CURABLE!!!! I will say it as many times as you need to hear it. I believe you are cured...I can't prove it, but I believe it!" I guess he gave me a dose of just what I needed today. I felt better after I left his office. <br />
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While I try so hard every day to live like I don't have breast cancer, it's hard to make it completely go away. I don't think it ever will. It has forever changed me in many ways. I hope to continue being optimistic and hopeful for the future. I want to be here to be a grandma one day and to retire and grow old with my husband. Some days it is easier than others. I guess if I was having a rough day, I could not ask for more support than my dear friend Shannon and my medical oncologist giving me a dose of just what I needed. <br />
Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-85531097668458727192012-07-12T08:45:00.002-07:002012-07-12T08:45:50.291-07:00A "Little" InspirationSometimes inspiration comes to you from unexpected sources. Since I am a fitness professional and have been for years, I am use to being the one to try to inspire and encourage people to workout hard. The other day I had a startling revelation that I have raised a real "mini me"! My son has taken over the coaching role and has been a source of inspiration and encouragement for ME! It really caught me off guard.<br />
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This was our conversation as we were walking into the gym one day last week:<br />
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Me: "Oh honey, I am tired today and I don't feel like working out."<br />
My Son: "Mommy, you have to. You should run today."<br />
Me: "I should run today?"<br />
My Son: "Yes, you should run 8 miles"<br />
Me: "8 miles? I don't think I can today"<br />
My Son: "You can do it Mommy, you have done it before"<br />
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What could I say to that???? So I got in there and ran the dang 8 miles. After my workout we were leaving the gym and here was the conversation:<br />
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Me: "Well, I ran the 8 miles"<br />
My son" "Good Mommy, I am proud of you. Next time you can run 10 miles"<br />
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OMG! I was trying to contain myself. He is going to kill me! Now I know what it feels like to have someone coach me! <br />
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I guess it made me realize why I have done EVERYTHING I have done with my breast cancer treatment in the past year and a half. I did it all for him. I am so happy to be here and feeling good. I cherish the time I spend with my son and am inspired by him every day. I still dread the day that I have to explain my breast cancer to him (he still doesn't know I had it or did chemo), but I will remind him that if I can run 8 miles then I am fine. Sometimes inspiration really does come from unexpected sources. Oh and if you are wondering, I have not attempted the 10 miles yet. I will though, but I will be afraid to tell my son because then he will want me to run 12 miles. I have been thinking about doing a half marathon and at this rate, my son will have me ready soon!!Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-61997560677073865712012-07-05T20:09:00.000-07:002012-07-05T20:09:09.429-07:00Getting Back To My LifeIt has been so long since my last post. Looking back I have not posted since my son got out of school for the summer! I am a full time Mommy these days which leaves little time for blogging. I did not fall of the face of the earth and I am still doing great - just much busier these days with sports, swim lessons, play dates and afternoons at the pool. I guess that's all good compared to where I was a year ago!<br />
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When I think about a year ago, I was in the midst of dealing with the aftermath of chemo and my hair was still shedding and stressing me out. We were also just starting the process of moving out of state. Life was really crazy then and it feels SO MUCH better this summer. <br />
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I finally feel like life is "normal". I never thought I would say that. It's strange but I am not consumed with breast cancer 24 hours a day and 7 days a week like I use to be. I still think about it, but it's far less often than it use to be. I have been busy getting back to my life and learning how to live as a breast cancer survivor. I have finally come to a place where I am not ashamed of what I have been through. I feel more open about it and have actually talked more openly about it even with new friends I have met since moving here. This is another surprise for me. I never thought I would say that either.<br />
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Some things in my life are still different, but it's not necessarily bad. I am really enjoying doing yoga every week. I like how I feel so calm after I do a class. I am more focused on running. I am up to running 8 miles at a time. I have never done that before now! A half marathon is still in my mind so I may try to do that later this year. I don't miss my crazy career at all. I thought being home would make me bored, but I am busy with taking care of me and my family. I feel like that job never ends. I am also really working on decorating this house! I refuse to live here for 7 years and still have rooms that remain unpainted like the last house. I want to decorate it and enjoy it. I still have not gotten my business off the ground yet, but once my son is back in school I hope to regain my focus on that. All of these things are positives in my life. All of these things are happening because of my breast cancer. I guess I am trying to realize that every event in life causes other things to happen. Sometimes bad things lead to good things. For that, I am grateful. I have a saying I always say "sometimes you have to go through the really shitty stuff to get to the really GOOD stuff". I hope the "shitty" stuff is all done because things are pretty good now.Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-82657067895111355822012-05-10T19:52:00.001-07:002012-05-10T19:52:50.021-07:00I Got A Tattoo But Not How I Thought It Would BeEarlier this week I finally completed my breast reconstruction and got areola and nipple tattoos. It was kind of odd to go to my plastic surgeon's office and have a tattoo artist tattoo my breasts! I always imagined that if I got a tattoo, it would be on a crazy girl's vacation with my best friend and there would be a lot of alcohol involved. I thought it would be of a butterfly or something cute on my stomach or hip. Never in a million years did I think I would be getting areola and nipple tattoos on my new fake breasts. <br />
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I always thought getting a tattoo would hurt really bad, but it didn't. The procedure took about 1 1/2 hours and I did not feel most of it. I guess I didn't feel it because I have a lot of numbness on my breasts after all the surgeries. All went smoothly and I drove myself home. I felt a little tender the rest of the day but only if I bumped my tattoo area. The next morning nothing hurt or was red at all. A few days later, they look great. <br />
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I never thought I would see the day that I would finally be finished with reconstructive surgery. It seemed like such an impossible thing at the beginning of all of this. Now I can say "I am done!" That really feels good to say after so much time! What's even nicer is looking in the mirror when I get out of the shower and actually looking pretty normal. I can't believe what miracle workers the breast surgeons are. My breasts look pretty real. Of course I have some scars, but once those continue to fade, they won't be very noticeable. I can't believe how just a little tattoo can make me feel so complete!Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-391368486926099927.post-76371292653900982052012-04-18T20:40:00.000-07:002012-04-18T20:40:11.522-07:00Enjoying the Little ThingsSometimes it is the very simple things in life that make you think. Today I was weeding the garden beds and it left me very alone with my thoughts for quite a long time (we have lots of gardens!). I started to realized that prior to going through breast cancer, I never had time to appreciate things. I never had time to weed the gardens. I was too busy working, doing too many things and hurrying around. Things are so different now.<br />
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Today as I weeded the gardens, I took time to appreciate the sun shining down on me. I enjoyed the breeze blowing my hair (which I thought would never happen once I found out I would have chemo - thank you cold caps for allowing me to keep my hair!). I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood and the train in the distance. I could hear kids playing in the park and laughing. It was peaceful and calming. <br />
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In my pre-breast cancer life, I just didn't have time to stop and enjoy things and appreciate the moment. I never thought a boring chore like weeding gardens would be something I would appreciate, but I guess after breast cancer I have started to enjoy the little things in life a lot more.<br />
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When I think about how breast cancer has changed me, I think about how much I took things for granted before. I guess I was so busy trying to get things done I just didn't take time to be thankful. Now I try to be thankful for every day and some of the simple things that get lost in the daily shuffle. <br />
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I wish that others around me could learn this from me, but unless they have gone through a life changing experience like cancer, they just don't get it. It's hard for me when they complain about very trivial things when there are much worse things that could be happening to them. I guess I was that way before the breast cancer too. For now I will take in each day and try to enjoy the little things like weeding the garden, feeling the wind blow my hair and feeling the warmth of the sun shining down on me. These are the little things that make me feel calm, at peace and happy. We all need more of that.Mdghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13689474820971862717noreply@blogger.com0