Finding a little bit of the "old me"

I feel like the entire last month has been some kind of "out of body experience" and that it really didn't happen or something.  I have been avoiding my family and friends, crying, freaking out and just trying to act normal in front of my four year old son.  For all of that acting I have done in front of my son, family and friends for the past month I should be nominated for an Academy Award or something. "And the best award for cancer-acting goes to....."

So today was the first time I taught an aerobics class in weeks.  Because of doctor appointments and the holidays,  I have not taught in about three weeks.  I have to say that it felt like things were almost "normal" again for a while.  I kind of felt like my old self which is the first trace I have had of my old self in a month!  It actually felt good.  I taught my class with smile on my face and got to see all of my friends in my class.  It was nice that when I was there, no one was freaked out because they know nothing about my cancer.  When I am with family and friends I feel like there is a two thousand pound pink elephant in the room that no one talks about - my cancer.  At the gym, no one knows about it and there is no huge elephant in the corner of the room.  It just felt GOOD!  It's the best I felt in weeks!

I don't know how I proceed forward with my friends in class.  I just don't want to tell them I have cancer.  I know I will be out for a while, but I have a foot injury and they may just assume it is surgery for my foot.  For some reason telling the people in my class makes me feel weak.  I know it is crazy, but they look to me to be the strong one, their leader in class, the one to push them when they don't want to be there and a health role model.  Now, I have cancer.  I feel like somehow they will feel sorry for me and see me as weak.  I know I am just having issues dealing with the emotional side effects of having cancer, but somehow it's just hard for me to accept this.  I just can't imagine people seeing me differently. 

For now I will keep praying I don't need chemo so I can fight this disease privately and keep a sense of dignity for myself.  I know it's just me having a hard time with this and other people probably won't freak out as bad as I think they will, but that is the control freak and worry person that I am. 

This weekend my mom is coming to spend time with us.  She is even cooking me a good Italian dinner so I will eat something.  You know when you have an Italian mom, you must "mangia, mangia" or she will not be happy.  I guess I can't disappoint mama now can I?

Only one more "cancer bomb" to drop

I feel so emotionally exhausted at this point.  Each day this week I have told family members or friends about my diagnosis.   I only have one more person I need to tell and I just want to get it over with.  It has been so emotionally draining, it seems worse than the diagnosis itself at times.  It has been so hard to explain every detail and test and the whole long, scary road that I face.  I have cried in every conversation though I promised myself I wouldn't.  I have made almost every person I really care about cry over my illness.  I just feel so horrible about it.

I know that getting cancer wasn't something that I did.  I know down deep inside that it just happened to me and it's not my fault, but along with it brings so much guilt.  I feel like in some way I am doing this to everyone I care about.   I know that sounds crazy because I didn't choose to get cancer, but the fact that I do have it is making everyone around me sad, scared and cry.  This makes me feel horrible, absolutely horrible inside. 

I have always considered myself the person that just took care of herself and helped others.  I am not the kind of person to ask for help from friends and family.  I just push through things and figure it out even if it's hard.  That's who I have been for years.  Now I find myself in this very unfamiliar place that makes me uncomfortable.  I find myself "needing" people to help.  I have swallowed my pride and asked for help from my family and friends and they are eager and happy to do it.  I just don't know how to deal with it.  It feels strange to be on the other side of things and feel so needy, fragile, scared and dependent on others.  It is not who I am.  I have never been that person. 

I guess what I have to realize is that cancer does change everything.  It changes your thoughts, your needs, your fears, your hopes, your dreams and so many other little parts of your soul.  I know I am forever changed because of cancer and I can't go back.  I hope in time I can find a way to embrace the new parts of me that grew out of my cancer.  I am scared at times  I won't like the new me or that people that know me won't understand the new me or why I have changed.  I know I have no control over that just like I have no control over my cancer.  I have to pray each day that I find more peace in my life and not worry about all of the things I can't control. This is hard for a self-proclaimed control freak!!!

Looking for "signs" from God and angels

Today I dragged my pathetic cancer-ass to the gym.  I usually love my workouts, but now I do them because I know I should.  Once I get there I am OK I guess, but it seems a bit forced right now.  I got to the gym this morning and got on the elliptical for a cardiovascular workout.  Once I got started I looked up in front of me and saw the back of the t-shirt of the women on the machine in front of me.  It had a very simple, powerful quote:

"Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better".

As I pushed myself to workout, I really thought about what that meant, heck I had an entire 30 minutes to ponder that thought during my workout.  For me, the sacrifice becomes my breasts, going through surgery and recovering for a period of time.  My sacrifice also becomes the multiple procedures to finish reconstructing my body in the next year to make me whole again.  My sacrifice becomes not having the energy to be the mom and wife I want to be in the coming months.  The sacrifice sounds so scary and long, but it's when I think about the "something better", it's the gift of a cancer-free life.  A cancer-free life is more than anyone can hope for and want.  I have lived 45 years and have never had to make such a sacrifice in my life yet and still it will only be such a small percentage of my life, maybe only several months or a year.  When I think about that, it all seems like it's so worth it.  It seems like such a small part of the big, big picture.

When I labeled this post "Looking for Signs from God and Angels", what I meant was that I do believe that there are angels among us and that God sends us rays of hope and support in many ways.  Seeing this woman's t-shirt at the gym made me believe there was a reason she was there, right in front of me today.  It makes me stop and think about what this whole journey means.  I do believe that there are signs from God and his work through angels all around us, but you have to look for them.  I do believe that they come to us in our darkest hour to give us hope and support.  I know as I continue on this breast cancer journey, I will keep searching for these signs from God and others to help guide, support and encourage me.  I know that each sign I see brings me more faith that everything will be OK. 

Dropping more "cancer bombs" and "ripping off band-aids"

So now that I have told my family and my husband is telling his family, I have to move on to friends.  This is the worst agony ever!  Telling this story over and over again and crying.....  When they tell you that you have cancer they don't say that this is one of the side effects - huge anxiety and grief over telling your loved one's you have the "Big C".  It just never ends.

Why is it that when you get all psyched up to just "rip the band-aid off" (and tell someone), you call and they are unavailable.  You get voicemail.  UGH!  Do you leave a message like "hey, it's me!  Called to see how your holiday was since I have been avoiding you for weeks - oh and by the way, I have breast cancer.  Call me back!  Ciao!". 

I know in some way I will feel better once I get this news out to the people I care about.  What will bring me comfort is knowing they will be praying for me to be healthy and recover well.  I believe in the power of prayer and have never really asked all the people I care about to pray for me.  I can't imagine having that many people pray hard for my health all at one time.  I know it will bring me some comfort despite that fact that all of this sucks.

So today I did finally get back to the gym . My surgeon told me it was finally OK if I worked out again.  I just really had no desire to go, but I made myself.  I know it helps emotionally, but it is a struggle.  My arm didn't hurt much today.  It is definitely feeling a lot better than the past few days.  I do feel like I have more energy today after my workout so I will vow to do it as much as I can as long as my doctors tell me it is OK even if I don't want to.  It's hard to be motivated to go and workout, but I know I have to relieve some of the stress I am carrying over this disease and exercise is a major stress reliever.  I think I will also start yoga.  I have always wanted to start it, but never had the time.  I am making time now that I am taking inventory of my life!  I have been reading that they are doing studies in regards to breast cancer healing and such in relation to including yoga as part of the treatment. I think it can only help bring me physical and mental strength and a more positive feeling overall so I am going to do it!  Why not????

I dropped the "cancer bomb"

This morning I just knew it was time to find a way to tell my family my horrible cancer secret.  I just laid on the couch for hours this morning thinking "I just can't tell them.....".  It was agony.  I know I have kept the secret for almost a month now because it was the holidays and I just didn't know what was going on with all of the test results and my prognosis.  Now that I have most of the information, it's the right time to tell them.

I called my brother first.  I wanted to tell him in person, but he's a lawyer and I never know if he's going to be in court or out of the office or in the office.  He has kids at home so stopping by to talk would not be private at his house and his kids are old enough to know something is going on if we look upset.  I just bit the bullet and called him.  It was hard.  I tried not to cry, but I did.  He was shocked and supportive.  He just listened and said such encouraging things.  He vowed to be there for me and my family and support us any way he can.  I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too before we hung up.  I don't remember the last time I told my brother I loved him.  It's sad it took cancer for us to say that.

Now that I had the "warm up" of telling my brother it was time to tell my mom.  I drove to her house as I knew she was home.  When I got there, she just talked and talked about all the stuff she had going on and my heart was pounding so hard, it almost jumped out of my chest.  I tried to focus on what she was saying, but I just wanted her to stop talking so I could tell her.  A part of me wanted her to keep on talking so I wouldn't have to tell her.  It just "sucked".  I can't even think of a more proper word to use.  No daughter should have to tell her mom she has cancer.

I told her my news as I held her hand and we cried.  She took it well but was scared for me and worried for me.  I told her everything I had been through since December 8th and what my treatment plan would look like.  I showed her my surgery scar and assured her I was feeling pretty good from my 12/23 surgery.  She really had no idea this was going on other than the fact that I had not been calling her as much lately as I usually do.  She never thought it was because of breast cancer.  My mom just simply asked "how can I help"? 

As I ended the conversations with my mom and brother, I told them they had to remember a few things:
1.  I don't have cancer any more - we just have to keep it that way.
2.  Remember the 90% and remind me of that when I waver or don't believe it (my doctor says I have a 90% chance of no recurrence with my treatment plan and situation).
3.  Don't tell me "you are strong".  I hate that.  I am not strong, I am human.  I don't want to go through having cancer.  I am not coping well with it - maybe in front of you, but I have meltdowns, cry daily, can't sleep, can't eat.  No one wants to deal with it.  No one can get through this being "strong" though you may think so or it may look that way on the outside.  It just sucks - period!
4.  Don't tell me any cancer stories.  I don't want to hear how your friend's mom died from breast cancer or how she fought it and is doing fine.  None of that matters as each situation is different.  I don't want to hear ANY cancer stories!
5.  Call me when you want to, but don't take it personal if I don't pick up or call you right back.  Some days I just don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone or explain what is going on.  I am not always up to talking about this or even daily trivial things.  Please respect my feelings on this and don't take it personal.
6.  I will need you to help me and my family.  Please reach out to my husband as he keeps so much of this inside and he will never tell me how scared he really is.  If you call him or talk to him, you don't have to tell me.  What is said can remain between you two and I don't ever have to know.
7.  No telling anyone about my cancer unless I agree to it.  This is MY cancer.  I am not ready to go public with my pathetic story. 

The both agreed to my list of requests.  The best part was when I left my mom's house.  I gave her a huge hug and told her I loved her.  She said "I love you too.  Good-bye weakling!"  I just laughed and smiled.  That's my mom!  She's the best.

There are angels among us, really

Today I went to the cancer center to meet with the doctors again (my new favorite past time- ha ha!).  As I sat in the waiting room with my husband, I got nervous again.  I said to my husband, "what could I be nervous about?  They already told me I have cancer?"  He just kind of laughed and said "you are right". 

As we sat there in the lobby of the breast center, there was a woman looking at me.  Then she would look away and I would catch her looking at me again.  I finally said softly to my husband after I started feeling uncomfortable "I feel like everyone is looking at me like they know I have cancer. Why are they looking at me, because I am the youngest person here?".  He said "don't worry about that". 

So time went by and the woman got called back to see the doctor. We continued to wait a very long time, in fact so long that the lady actually came out of her appointment and then left while we were still sitting in the lobby waiting to be called back.  About two minutes later, the woman came back and walked directly over to me and said "Hi, my name is Kathy and I just know the look on your face because I have lived that and I left my appointment and I just had to come back to talk to you".  She sat down next to me and told me she was where I am right now one year ago.  She told me her diagnosis and how her journey had gone.  She told me there is life after breast cancer and that I can do this.  She told me she was back to work eleven days after surgery.  I teared up as she spoke to me.  I told her I was scared because I have a young son.  She assured me life would get better.  She was so warm, kind and positive.  She gave me her phone number and e-mail address and said she would love it if I would call her so I could talk with someone that understands.  I was completely overwhelmed.  It really touched me.  I have never had a complete stranger ever offer me so much compassion.

After she left, all I could think of is the Alabama song called "Angels Among Us".  I truly believe that God does send angels to us in our darkest hours.  I plan to call Kathy this week and thank her for her kindness and compassion, and speak with her about her experience. It was truly a gift having that happen today.  If you just don't know the song, the lyrics are full of hope. 

Here are the amazing lyrics:

I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with their mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

My New Year's Eve

This year I just couldn't get the desire up to go out and spend time with friends.  We had invitations to do things with friends, but I just didn't feel like.  Keeping my breast cancer a secret is really getting hard for me.  It's so hard to smile, act happy and laugh with people I care about and know that next week I am going to drop my "cancer bomb" on them.  I feel like once they know, it will forever change everything.  I keep thinking they will look at me different or feel sorry for me or only think about "cancer" when they look at me. I keep thinking they will think about my disfigured body or wonder what my new boobs look like.  I know all of this sounds nuts, but then again I am a woman.  This is what we do right?  We fabricate all kinds of crazy scenarios in our heads that probably never will exist and we obsess about them.  Well, at least I know that is what I do.

So, now that we decided we were not going out, what were we going to do?  I decided to just do something fun with my son and husband.  I decided we would have a picnic and drink prosecco and apple juice out of champagne glasses.  My husband and I (being food snobs....) made some wonderful veggie and cheese pannini's.  For my son I did more traditional picnic food - hot dogs and potato chips.  We sat on the kitchen floor, just the three of us holding our champagne glasses and toasting "Happy New Year".  My son insisted on doing "cheers" and a glass clink on every sip!  He loved it.  It was one of those special moments I will cherish no matter what the future holds. 

After the picnic, we got under the special Christmas blanket on the couch and cuddled together and watched a movie.  My son fell asleep in an hour cuddling on me.  It was the best.  I could only look down and think about just how much I loved him and how much I want to be here for him. 

This morning my son asked "when can we have another picnic and drink out of those special cups?".  I just laughed and told him we would do it again soon.  I think this may be the best thing to cheer me up when I am down...a simple picnic.  Why do I feel like we will be having a lot of picnics in the months to come???