Sometimes it is the very simple things in life that make you think. Today I was weeding the garden beds and it left me very alone with my thoughts for quite a long time (we have lots of gardens!). I started to realized that prior to going through breast cancer, I never had time to appreciate things. I never had time to weed the gardens. I was too busy working, doing too many things and hurrying around. Things are so different now.
Today as I weeded the gardens, I took time to appreciate the sun shining down on me. I enjoyed the breeze blowing my hair (which I thought would never happen once I found out I would have chemo - thank you cold caps for allowing me to keep my hair!). I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood and the train in the distance. I could hear kids playing in the park and laughing. It was peaceful and calming.
In my pre-breast cancer life, I just didn't have time to stop and enjoy things and appreciate the moment. I never thought a boring chore like weeding gardens would be something I would appreciate, but I guess after breast cancer I have started to enjoy the little things in life a lot more.
When I think about how breast cancer has changed me, I think about how much I took things for granted before. I guess I was so busy trying to get things done I just didn't take time to be thankful. Now I try to be thankful for every day and some of the simple things that get lost in the daily shuffle.
I wish that others around me could learn this from me, but unless they have gone through a life changing experience like cancer, they just don't get it. It's hard for me when they complain about very trivial things when there are much worse things that could be happening to them. I guess I was that way before the breast cancer too. For now I will take in each day and try to enjoy the little things like weeding the garden, feeling the wind blow my hair and feeling the warmth of the sun shining down on me. These are the little things that make me feel calm, at peace and happy. We all need more of that.
Showing posts with label Breast Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breast Cancer. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Life is Good
When I think about how life was at this time last year and compare it to life now, I can't believe how different things are! This time last year I had just finished my second chemo infusion. I still had surgeries remaining and was in the thick of breast cancer. Part of it seems like yesterday, but parts of it seem so long ago. Because life seems so much more normal, sometimes it feels like it never happened. I do have the lovely scars to prove that it did though.
When I look at my life now, it is filled with things I didn't imagine. At this time last year, I wanted out of my job horribly. Now I no longer work there and am free to work on my own business and have time to take care of my family. A year ago, I couldn't run at all despite working out all the time. I had not been running in years. Now I run 6 miles at a time a few days a week. After getting diagnosed, I never thought I would do that. I never ran that much even in my 20's and 30's. Now I am 46 and a year out from breast cancer and I am doing that! At this point I am considering training for a half marathon! My body also feels SO much better. I had so many aches and pains from stress, driving in the car all the time for my job and exercising that I felt like an old woman. The hip pain I had for five years from IT-Band issues is completely gone! The heel spur that made it hard for me to walk at times is barely noticed. My stress level is reduced greatly and I just feel so much better. My secrets are yoga, exercise, reducing my stress and just focusing on the things that really matter.
What is strange to me is that I feel THIS good a year later. Life is just good! I guess breast cancer changes so many things in your life, but some of them can be for the better if you stop and think about it. For anyone reading this that is going through the breast cancer journey, try to have faith that life will be good again. I could not see that in the middle of my journey, but now I am living it.
When I look at my life now, it is filled with things I didn't imagine. At this time last year, I wanted out of my job horribly. Now I no longer work there and am free to work on my own business and have time to take care of my family. A year ago, I couldn't run at all despite working out all the time. I had not been running in years. Now I run 6 miles at a time a few days a week. After getting diagnosed, I never thought I would do that. I never ran that much even in my 20's and 30's. Now I am 46 and a year out from breast cancer and I am doing that! At this point I am considering training for a half marathon! My body also feels SO much better. I had so many aches and pains from stress, driving in the car all the time for my job and exercising that I felt like an old woman. The hip pain I had for five years from IT-Band issues is completely gone! The heel spur that made it hard for me to walk at times is barely noticed. My stress level is reduced greatly and I just feel so much better. My secrets are yoga, exercise, reducing my stress and just focusing on the things that really matter.
What is strange to me is that I feel THIS good a year later. Life is just good! I guess breast cancer changes so many things in your life, but some of them can be for the better if you stop and think about it. For anyone reading this that is going through the breast cancer journey, try to have faith that life will be good again. I could not see that in the middle of my journey, but now I am living it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
To Tell or Not To Tell?
Now that we are settled in a new state, we are making friends and getting to know a lot more people, which is really nice. We have been spending a lot of time with our neighbors and another family we met through soccer. It feels like things are getting more "normal" each and every day which is refreshing!
The problem I have is the whole breast cancer thing and my diet. What is hard for me when we go somewhere is worrying about the food and the hormones in it. When we lived in Michigan, my family and friends all knew and often would prepare something special for me or I would just bring something I could eat with me and it was no big deal. Here, no one knows I had breast cancer. As we get more and more invitations out to do things I fear it is going to be harder to keep this to myself. I just won't eat meat full of hormones or certain foods that are not good for hormone positive breast cancer.
It's not that I don't want to tell people, it's just awkward. At what point do you discuss something so personal and devastating with someone you are building a friendship with? It puts me in a very uncomfortable place at times.
The other thing I have to deal with is my son does not really know I had cancer. He knows I had a boo boo in my chest and needed surgeries to make me healthy. He also knows I had some strong medicines that made me tired for a while. Because I kept my hair through chemo, he has no idea I even did it. I acted normal and we did normal things all through my treatment so he never asked any questions so I just went with it. What makes this difficult is that the more people I tell, the more chances of my son finding out that I had cancer from someone else. I plan to tell him, but when the time is right - not now. He is only five.
I had many reasons I did not want to tell my son I had cancer. First of all I didn't think I needed to teach a four year old the words "cancer" and "chemo". Since I had planned to use the Penguin Cold Caps to keep my hair through chemo, he would not really see me look any different. Also, I was staged as Stage 1 breast cancer and the odds of recurrence were less than 10% for me so I am being hopeful that I won't have to deal with breast cancer again or at least for a very long time. Given all of these things, we decided it would be best not to tell him at the time.
Now I struggle with my son not knowing and my friends not knowing that I had breast cancer. I guess at some point I will have to tell some people, but for now I just mention that I have some very unusual dietary restrictions and hope no one asks too many questions. If they were to ask questions I don't even know what I would say.... I also try to invite people over here more for get togethers so I can control the food better. I wonder how long I can keep this up!
What's strange is with breast cancer you try so hard to move on and forget about it but it keeps interfering with what should be "normal" events or things in your life. It is pretty dang annoying! Darn breast cancer.......ugh!
The problem I have is the whole breast cancer thing and my diet. What is hard for me when we go somewhere is worrying about the food and the hormones in it. When we lived in Michigan, my family and friends all knew and often would prepare something special for me or I would just bring something I could eat with me and it was no big deal. Here, no one knows I had breast cancer. As we get more and more invitations out to do things I fear it is going to be harder to keep this to myself. I just won't eat meat full of hormones or certain foods that are not good for hormone positive breast cancer.
It's not that I don't want to tell people, it's just awkward. At what point do you discuss something so personal and devastating with someone you are building a friendship with? It puts me in a very uncomfortable place at times.
The other thing I have to deal with is my son does not really know I had cancer. He knows I had a boo boo in my chest and needed surgeries to make me healthy. He also knows I had some strong medicines that made me tired for a while. Because I kept my hair through chemo, he has no idea I even did it. I acted normal and we did normal things all through my treatment so he never asked any questions so I just went with it. What makes this difficult is that the more people I tell, the more chances of my son finding out that I had cancer from someone else. I plan to tell him, but when the time is right - not now. He is only five.
I had many reasons I did not want to tell my son I had cancer. First of all I didn't think I needed to teach a four year old the words "cancer" and "chemo". Since I had planned to use the Penguin Cold Caps to keep my hair through chemo, he would not really see me look any different. Also, I was staged as Stage 1 breast cancer and the odds of recurrence were less than 10% for me so I am being hopeful that I won't have to deal with breast cancer again or at least for a very long time. Given all of these things, we decided it would be best not to tell him at the time.
Now I struggle with my son not knowing and my friends not knowing that I had breast cancer. I guess at some point I will have to tell some people, but for now I just mention that I have some very unusual dietary restrictions and hope no one asks too many questions. If they were to ask questions I don't even know what I would say.... I also try to invite people over here more for get togethers so I can control the food better. I wonder how long I can keep this up!
What's strange is with breast cancer you try so hard to move on and forget about it but it keeps interfering with what should be "normal" events or things in your life. It is pretty dang annoying! Darn breast cancer.......ugh!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Back to Reality
One of the things that other people don't get about having breast cancer is there is NO cure. When you get surgery and go through chemo, once you are done, people think you are cured and life is good. Well it certainly is great to be done with treatment and I am trying my best to make life good, but the fact the breast cancer is not curable still haunts me at times.
For the past two weeks, I have been having rib pain. Like most other normal breast cancer gals, my mind immediately thinks "it's baaaack"! Then I have to try to talk myself down off the reccurence ledge so I don't jump. I have to be realistic and have it checked out by my doctors to make sure it is not a recurrence.
What people don't get is that every little pain we get or experience, thrusts us back into the thoughts of having cancer again. It can recur anywhere at anytime. Some people live for years or the rest of their life with no recurrence, but many women have it come back. How do I not get zapped back to the reality of cancer every time something hurts? This is mentally exhausting. What makes it harder for me is I exercise a lot so something always hurts.
So for now, here I sit with thoughts of my reality with some rib pain. I guess I better start calling my doctors tomorrow. And have I mentioned lately that after all of this I am really sick of doctors?
For the past two weeks, I have been having rib pain. Like most other normal breast cancer gals, my mind immediately thinks "it's baaaack"! Then I have to try to talk myself down off the reccurence ledge so I don't jump. I have to be realistic and have it checked out by my doctors to make sure it is not a recurrence.
What people don't get is that every little pain we get or experience, thrusts us back into the thoughts of having cancer again. It can recur anywhere at anytime. Some people live for years or the rest of their life with no recurrence, but many women have it come back. How do I not get zapped back to the reality of cancer every time something hurts? This is mentally exhausting. What makes it harder for me is I exercise a lot so something always hurts.
So for now, here I sit with thoughts of my reality with some rib pain. I guess I better start calling my doctors tomorrow. And have I mentioned lately that after all of this I am really sick of doctors?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Angry
I still actively participate in an online support website with chat boards full of breast cancer women. I go there for understanding, compassion, information, laughs and just to chat with other women that "get it". I consider all those women my "sisters". We are all connected in a special way that others can't understand. There is a bond because of our breast cancer diagnosis that links us and unites us all even if we don't share the exact, same breast cancer situation.
Every time I read that another one of my "sisters" has become an angel, a powerful anger rages inside. My heart sinks. I feel sad. I get scared. I can't stop thinking about her and her family, even if I didn't know her well or at all. A part of me is just lost for a while. This kind of news shakes me to the core.
I get so angry at breast cancer. It's a disgusting, sneaky, vile disease that takes wonderful women from those they love. Why can't they find a cure? Why? What is it going to take? If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they cure breast cancer??? Why do they continue to allow carcinogens in health care products, food and water? When will someone really DO SOMETHING about all of this? How many women have to die before someone REALLY makes something happen?
My heart goes out to the many wonderful people that have been effected and lost by breast cancer. I never thought I would have it. It never crossed my mind this would be my life. I am sure many of those women felt the same way. It's so unfair. I am just angry today!
Every time I read that another one of my "sisters" has become an angel, a powerful anger rages inside. My heart sinks. I feel sad. I get scared. I can't stop thinking about her and her family, even if I didn't know her well or at all. A part of me is just lost for a while. This kind of news shakes me to the core.
I get so angry at breast cancer. It's a disgusting, sneaky, vile disease that takes wonderful women from those they love. Why can't they find a cure? Why? What is it going to take? If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they cure breast cancer??? Why do they continue to allow carcinogens in health care products, food and water? When will someone really DO SOMETHING about all of this? How many women have to die before someone REALLY makes something happen?
My heart goes out to the many wonderful people that have been effected and lost by breast cancer. I never thought I would have it. It never crossed my mind this would be my life. I am sure many of those women felt the same way. It's so unfair. I am just angry today!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
No One Talks About Cancer Anymore
This past weekend I went back to Michigan to visit my family and some friends. It was exactly 1 year ago this week that I started chemotherapy. (I can't believe it has already been a year!). Despite it being an entire year, breast cancer is still a very big part of my life. I am desperately trying to move on and not be consumed with breast cancer and that is slowly getting better, but I don't think the thoughts and fears will ever go away. It's just not possible.
The part I find interesting is I think everyone else in my life has moved on from my cancer diagnosis and treatment. I look completely normal and act completely normal so I guess everyone just treats me normal. What's hard for me is that no one even mentions anything about any of it. It's like my breast cancer never happened. It is so odd.
It's not like I want to talk about it all the time or anything, but I was with family all weekend and not one person brought up anything about any of it. I guess it leaves me feeling a bit odd because it is still so prevalent in my daily life. I kind of feel like a fraud in some ways because I look normal and healthy and act normal and healthy but the breast cancer and it's fears still live in my head. Yes, they are less prevalent in my mind than this time last year, but the fears and thoughts still lurk in my head often. Am I a fraud? Am I fooling everyone? Do they think about it and just don't say anything, or are they just over it? I really don't know what to think anymore. It kind of feels like a 2000 pound pink elephant in the room to me. I wish it would go away!!!
The part I find interesting is I think everyone else in my life has moved on from my cancer diagnosis and treatment. I look completely normal and act completely normal so I guess everyone just treats me normal. What's hard for me is that no one even mentions anything about any of it. It's like my breast cancer never happened. It is so odd.
It's not like I want to talk about it all the time or anything, but I was with family all weekend and not one person brought up anything about any of it. I guess it leaves me feeling a bit odd because it is still so prevalent in my daily life. I kind of feel like a fraud in some ways because I look normal and healthy and act normal and healthy but the breast cancer and it's fears still live in my head. Yes, they are less prevalent in my mind than this time last year, but the fears and thoughts still lurk in my head often. Am I a fraud? Am I fooling everyone? Do they think about it and just don't say anything, or are they just over it? I really don't know what to think anymore. It kind of feels like a 2000 pound pink elephant in the room to me. I wish it would go away!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Feeling Like My Old Self
Today I was teaching aerobics. I was asked to substitute for a sick instructor and teach two classes back to back. I have not done this in years! Though I have been running and working out a lot, I have not been teaching much as I have not been able to find anyone hiring instructors here since we moved. I have taught fitness classes for over twenty years (gosh, now I feel "old"!) and have always enjoyed it. This is the longest I have gone without teaching a regular class in all those years. I didn't realize how much I missed it until today!
So today I had a Cardio Interval class. When I got there the room was packed with a great group of ladies that were ready to sweat. We got going and I realized how much strength and encouragement the class participants provide to ME during the workout. I feel like I pushed myself harder than I have in a long time due to the group of ladies and the energy they provide during the class. We worked super hard and I sweat like crazy. I thought I was going to not catch my breath after some of the intervals and my poor thighs were screaming at a few points. It was good for me though!
After that I taught a leg and abdominal class for an hour. I have been slowly easing back into a weight training program along with running a lot but this class challenged the heck out of me. I guess I realized how good it felt to be like I was before breast cancer. None of these ladies know I had breast cancer at all. To them I was just an instructor like all the others. I am glad as I don't want anyone to look at me with pity. I want to be a positive influence on them - not drag them down with negative thoughts of my cancer.
I really felt like the old me. I forgot how much I get from teaching classes. I realized how much it inspires me to try harder and to make a difference in other people's lives. It makes me feel so good that I helped someone do something good for themselves that day. I also am so inspired by the wonderful people that come to my class. They make me want to teach better, be stronger and work harder. That is a side of me I have not seen for a while. I hope in time I can find a place that is hiring instructors. I want to continue helping people get fit and feel good about themselves. The gift I get in return is amazing. Thank you wonderful ladies in my class....you made me feel like me again!!!!
So today I had a Cardio Interval class. When I got there the room was packed with a great group of ladies that were ready to sweat. We got going and I realized how much strength and encouragement the class participants provide to ME during the workout. I feel like I pushed myself harder than I have in a long time due to the group of ladies and the energy they provide during the class. We worked super hard and I sweat like crazy. I thought I was going to not catch my breath after some of the intervals and my poor thighs were screaming at a few points. It was good for me though!
After that I taught a leg and abdominal class for an hour. I have been slowly easing back into a weight training program along with running a lot but this class challenged the heck out of me. I guess I realized how good it felt to be like I was before breast cancer. None of these ladies know I had breast cancer at all. To them I was just an instructor like all the others. I am glad as I don't want anyone to look at me with pity. I want to be a positive influence on them - not drag them down with negative thoughts of my cancer.
I really felt like the old me. I forgot how much I get from teaching classes. I realized how much it inspires me to try harder and to make a difference in other people's lives. It makes me feel so good that I helped someone do something good for themselves that day. I also am so inspired by the wonderful people that come to my class. They make me want to teach better, be stronger and work harder. That is a side of me I have not seen for a while. I hope in time I can find a place that is hiring instructors. I want to continue helping people get fit and feel good about themselves. The gift I get in return is amazing. Thank you wonderful ladies in my class....you made me feel like me again!!!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
A Normal Lunch
Since we moved to a new state after my breast cancer treatment, it is odd for me that here no one knows I had breast cancer. I feel like a "normal" person, but with a dirty little secret. I am finally getting settled and meeting people. I made a new friend at my son's soccer practice and we really hit it off. We both have boys the same age. We are both into health and exercise. She currently works full time as a sales rep and I was in sales for twelve years. We just really hit it off. So when she asked me if I wanted to meet up for lunch I was excited.
We went to lunch the other day and it was strange, but in a great way. For the first time there was NO cancer talk. She has no idea about my breast cancer. It's not like I can't tell people, but once they know I am sure they will feel sorry for me or something. It's not the kind of thing I NEED to tell people either. It was just nice to go out to lunch and talk about the kids schools, babysitters, healthy snacks for the kids and normal mom talk. I don't remember the last time I felt that "normal". I guess in time I will have many more "normal" moments and the breast cancer crap will be a distant memory. I hope so!
We went to lunch the other day and it was strange, but in a great way. For the first time there was NO cancer talk. She has no idea about my breast cancer. It's not like I can't tell people, but once they know I am sure they will feel sorry for me or something. It's not the kind of thing I NEED to tell people either. It was just nice to go out to lunch and talk about the kids schools, babysitters, healthy snacks for the kids and normal mom talk. I don't remember the last time I felt that "normal". I guess in time I will have many more "normal" moments and the breast cancer crap will be a distant memory. I hope so!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Making Limoncello
I have been thinking a lot about how I have been coping with breast cancer. I never thought I would get to a place where I was not consumed with breast cancer 24/7. It's not like I don't think about it, but I have gotten to a place where it doesn't take over every thought and moment of my life. That is huge for me! I never thought I would get here!
I guess none of us have control over what is dealt to us. We have to push through it no matter how horrible, scary or overwhelming it is. It's not like the problem or diagnosis is going to go away on it's own, so we have to face the reality of it and continue to move forward whether we want to or not.
At the beginning of my breast cancer journey, I thought I would never be able to do all of this, but I did. I am not stronger than anyone else, I was simply dealt this crap and I had no choice but to deal with it. Those looking in from the outside think that we are some type of "superheroes" and that we possess a different strength than they do. They say things like "I could never do what you did" which drives me nuts! I had no choice! If you were dealt my situation, you would do it too!
So I guess what it comes down to is that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I guess in my case since I am Italian, I choose to make limoncello! I am trying to make the best of each day eventhough breast cancer has become a part of my reality.
I guess none of us have control over what is dealt to us. We have to push through it no matter how horrible, scary or overwhelming it is. It's not like the problem or diagnosis is going to go away on it's own, so we have to face the reality of it and continue to move forward whether we want to or not.
At the beginning of my breast cancer journey, I thought I would never be able to do all of this, but I did. I am not stronger than anyone else, I was simply dealt this crap and I had no choice but to deal with it. Those looking in from the outside think that we are some type of "superheroes" and that we possess a different strength than they do. They say things like "I could never do what you did" which drives me nuts! I had no choice! If you were dealt my situation, you would do it too!
So I guess what it comes down to is that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I guess in my case since I am Italian, I choose to make limoncello! I am trying to make the best of each day eventhough breast cancer has become a part of my reality.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Paying It Forward
I remember when I first was diagnosed with breast cancer, my mind was going to some pretty morbid places. I just could not figure out how I would continue my life the same way after getting this diagnosis. It seemed so completely overwhelming and impossible. I guess really the whole process of treatment and the road ahead of me seemed unimaginable. I was shaken to the core and devastated.
In one of the early days after my diagnosis, I met a woman named Kathy. She reached out to me and was my "angel". She saw me at the cancer center and knew by the look on my face what was going on as she had lived it exactly one year before me. She has become a dear friend over the past year and has inspired me, given me hope and encouragement. She has a wonderful spirit and zest for life. She taught me that life can go on after a breast cancer diagnosis and has renewed my faith.
Let's face it, family and friends are loving and supportive as you go through breast cancer, but no matter how hard they try, they just don't "get it". Having the opportunity to share my feelings about going through breast cancer with someone that "gets it" made all the difference for me.
I knew after I spoke with Kathy a few times, I wanted to "pay it forward". I wanted to find a way to help someone else dealing with this disgusting disease. I didn't know how I would help someone, but I knew I had a strong desire to do it somehow.
I am overjoyed as I have found an opportunity to volunteer as a peer to peer counselor for breast cancer patients and to answer calls on a breast cancer hotline. I had an interview yesterday and was asked to join the team of breast cancer counselors and supporters. I am truly excited about this amazing volunteer opportunity to be someone that "gets it" to someone going through the worst time of their life. I can't wait to start "paying it forward" and making a difference!
In one of the early days after my diagnosis, I met a woman named Kathy. She reached out to me and was my "angel". She saw me at the cancer center and knew by the look on my face what was going on as she had lived it exactly one year before me. She has become a dear friend over the past year and has inspired me, given me hope and encouragement. She has a wonderful spirit and zest for life. She taught me that life can go on after a breast cancer diagnosis and has renewed my faith.
Let's face it, family and friends are loving and supportive as you go through breast cancer, but no matter how hard they try, they just don't "get it". Having the opportunity to share my feelings about going through breast cancer with someone that "gets it" made all the difference for me.
I knew after I spoke with Kathy a few times, I wanted to "pay it forward". I wanted to find a way to help someone else dealing with this disgusting disease. I didn't know how I would help someone, but I knew I had a strong desire to do it somehow.
I am overjoyed as I have found an opportunity to volunteer as a peer to peer counselor for breast cancer patients and to answer calls on a breast cancer hotline. I had an interview yesterday and was asked to join the team of breast cancer counselors and supporters. I am truly excited about this amazing volunteer opportunity to be someone that "gets it" to someone going through the worst time of their life. I can't wait to start "paying it forward" and making a difference!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Moving On After Treatment
Today I had a follow up with my new medical oncologist. I have only been to him once since we moved here a few months ago. It was kind of odd changing medical oncologists and plastic surgeons in the middle of my treatment, but since we moved I had no choice. I kind of miss my old doctors in Michigan right about now!
What I am having a hard time with is the lack of follow up that you get after treatment. I feel like they should be "doing something" when I go there. Ugh!!!
The exams are only physical where they look for obvious lumps or swollen lymph nodes. They check blood pressure and breathing. Then they will ask if I am experiencing any issues or strange symptoms. That is pretty much ALL they do.
After a year of tests, blood draws, medications and multiple doctor appointments it is kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around a simple physical exam. They don't even draw blood! I know I have to accept that this is the norm, but it is hard.
At this point I continue to go back to the medical oncologist every three months for the same type of simple exam. While I am grateful that I only had stage 1 breast cancer, it is hard to just "move on" after treatment. I have talked to other early stage breast cancer patients and their exams seem similar. I guess this is one more thing to accept along this breast cancer journey. It is hard to not worry that there is something deep inside me sprouting and spreading through my body. I hate breast cancer!!!
What I am having a hard time with is the lack of follow up that you get after treatment. I feel like they should be "doing something" when I go there. Ugh!!!
The exams are only physical where they look for obvious lumps or swollen lymph nodes. They check blood pressure and breathing. Then they will ask if I am experiencing any issues or strange symptoms. That is pretty much ALL they do.
After a year of tests, blood draws, medications and multiple doctor appointments it is kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around a simple physical exam. They don't even draw blood! I know I have to accept that this is the norm, but it is hard.
At this point I continue to go back to the medical oncologist every three months for the same type of simple exam. While I am grateful that I only had stage 1 breast cancer, it is hard to just "move on" after treatment. I have talked to other early stage breast cancer patients and their exams seem similar. I guess this is one more thing to accept along this breast cancer journey. It is hard to not worry that there is something deep inside me sprouting and spreading through my body. I hate breast cancer!!!
Friday, January 27, 2012
One Year Later
A year ago today I had a bilateral mastectomy. I can clearly remember that morning. I was a complete wreck. My husband and I dropped off our son at pre-school and I hugged him. I remember being in the hall outside his classroom and the tears began to fall down my cheeks. One of the teachers whom I did not know was just looking at me like I was crazy. It was so hard to say good bye to him that morning. I was petrified of what was to come. My husband put his arm around me and we walked out of the school together and headed to the hospital.
It was an hour drive. I put on my Ipod with my relaxation music. I just closed my eyes and tried to focus on the calmness of the music. That was the longest one hour ride I had ever experienced. It was surreal.
This morning I put on that same selection of music on my Ipod. It was different though. This morning my husband went to work like a normal day. I got my son up and got him ready for school. I dropped him off for school and then I headed for the gym. I ran 4 miles. I then put on my relaxation music to stretch and do some yoga. It was calm. It was peaceful and without stress.
I listened to those calming songs and reflected back to this time last year. It has been such a long year in some ways but in other ways it seems like surgery was yesterday. I don't want to focus on all the bad things I have gone through in last year. I need to look forward towards the rest of my life with a positive spirit. I need to embrace some of the good things that I did experience in life this last year. Life still went on despite what I was going through.
I am grateful for being done with my reconstruction (other than tattoo's). I am so appreciative for the wonderful Bosom Buddies (my six dear friends that I met through breast cancer online) that came into my life and supported me. I am lucky that I have a new closeness with family and friends because of what I have gone through. I am thankful for finding Penguin Cold Caps so I was able to keep my hair through chemo and move on looking "normal". I am fortunate to have the support of my "breast cancer mentor" Kathy that I met over a year ago at the cancer center. She gave me hope and encouragement in my darkest moments right after diagnosis. I am grateful for my husband and son and the new life we are building in a new city. I am happy for the wonderful vacation I spent with dear friends and my sister in August to celebrate my completion of treatment. I am blessed to have a wonderful best friend who has come to take care of me after two surgeries and came for my last chemo. I look at breast cancer being very present in my life in the past year, but I see so many wonderful things that also happened that are part of my life too.
I won't lie, the breast cancer journey is long and hard. It seems impossible at times. In time though, you realize that life is still going on every day and you have to continue to keep that in mind. Not all of this last year was "bad" and related to breast cancer. My son's first day of kindergarten was wonderful despite me having breast cancer this past year. It's little moments like this that I need to cherish and remember from my "pink year".
It was an hour drive. I put on my Ipod with my relaxation music. I just closed my eyes and tried to focus on the calmness of the music. That was the longest one hour ride I had ever experienced. It was surreal.
This morning I put on that same selection of music on my Ipod. It was different though. This morning my husband went to work like a normal day. I got my son up and got him ready for school. I dropped him off for school and then I headed for the gym. I ran 4 miles. I then put on my relaxation music to stretch and do some yoga. It was calm. It was peaceful and without stress.
I listened to those calming songs and reflected back to this time last year. It has been such a long year in some ways but in other ways it seems like surgery was yesterday. I don't want to focus on all the bad things I have gone through in last year. I need to look forward towards the rest of my life with a positive spirit. I need to embrace some of the good things that I did experience in life this last year. Life still went on despite what I was going through.
I am grateful for being done with my reconstruction (other than tattoo's). I am so appreciative for the wonderful Bosom Buddies (my six dear friends that I met through breast cancer online) that came into my life and supported me. I am lucky that I have a new closeness with family and friends because of what I have gone through. I am thankful for finding Penguin Cold Caps so I was able to keep my hair through chemo and move on looking "normal". I am fortunate to have the support of my "breast cancer mentor" Kathy that I met over a year ago at the cancer center. She gave me hope and encouragement in my darkest moments right after diagnosis. I am grateful for my husband and son and the new life we are building in a new city. I am happy for the wonderful vacation I spent with dear friends and my sister in August to celebrate my completion of treatment. I am blessed to have a wonderful best friend who has come to take care of me after two surgeries and came for my last chemo. I look at breast cancer being very present in my life in the past year, but I see so many wonderful things that also happened that are part of my life too.
I won't lie, the breast cancer journey is long and hard. It seems impossible at times. In time though, you realize that life is still going on every day and you have to continue to keep that in mind. Not all of this last year was "bad" and related to breast cancer. My son's first day of kindergarten was wonderful despite me having breast cancer this past year. It's little moments like this that I need to cherish and remember from my "pink year".
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
What Will This Year Bring?
For the last year I have been completely fixated on breast cancer, chemo, surgeries, treatments and healing. Unfortunately it became my life and my reality over the past 13 months. Getting through all of the chemo and reconstructive surgery is a long, draining process. It not only wears on you physically, but mentally. For so long I kept wishing it would be 2012 so I would be done with all of that, but now that it IS 2012, I don't know what to think!
Lately things have been feeling more "normal". With the help of time and medications, I don't fixate on the breast cancer 24/7 like I did in the past. Don't get me wrong, I do still fixate on it, but not at the same frequency. I can't imagine after going through a cancer diagnosis that anyone would be free from thinking about it.
Now, life is busy with "normal" things. I am still trying to get us settled into our new home. I am organizing the house and cleaning. I am back to cooking and blogging. I hit the gym daily and run errands. I am busy with the day to day things a mom and wife does. I still have doctor appointments here and there, but not multiple doctors in the same week and someone always drawing blood like last year. Overall, I am pretty busy most days and I am busy doing "normal" things, not "cancer" things.
Now that things are feeling more "normal" I don't know what to think. How do I just go with the flow of that and not allow my brief thoughts of breast cancer grow into fixations again? I am just going with the flow more and somehow that scares me. It's almost like I am back to me again but I can't really be that same exact person. In some ways I feel kind of foolish thinking things can be "normal" or carefree again. In the back of my mind, tucked way back in the corner I still feel fear of the cancer returning. I don't want to spend my whole life in fear, but I have to be realistic too. I am not invincible. I had breast cancer....me, the healthy one (so I thought).
I never in a million years would have thought I would have gotten breast cancer. When I talk to friends about having breast cancer, they all act like "well you must just have something in your body" and like they won't ever get it. What's scary is, that's how I thought before getting diagnosed. One in eight women will get breast cancer in their lifetime. Right now, I don't have any other friends or family that have had it. Who will be next? It scares the crap out of me at times. I keep thinking about the many women that are important in my life. There are more than eight. Right now I am the one in eight, but at some point there will be another. Breast cancer sucks!
Lately things have been feeling more "normal". With the help of time and medications, I don't fixate on the breast cancer 24/7 like I did in the past. Don't get me wrong, I do still fixate on it, but not at the same frequency. I can't imagine after going through a cancer diagnosis that anyone would be free from thinking about it.
Now, life is busy with "normal" things. I am still trying to get us settled into our new home. I am organizing the house and cleaning. I am back to cooking and blogging. I hit the gym daily and run errands. I am busy with the day to day things a mom and wife does. I still have doctor appointments here and there, but not multiple doctors in the same week and someone always drawing blood like last year. Overall, I am pretty busy most days and I am busy doing "normal" things, not "cancer" things.
Now that things are feeling more "normal" I don't know what to think. How do I just go with the flow of that and not allow my brief thoughts of breast cancer grow into fixations again? I am just going with the flow more and somehow that scares me. It's almost like I am back to me again but I can't really be that same exact person. In some ways I feel kind of foolish thinking things can be "normal" or carefree again. In the back of my mind, tucked way back in the corner I still feel fear of the cancer returning. I don't want to spend my whole life in fear, but I have to be realistic too. I am not invincible. I had breast cancer....me, the healthy one (so I thought).
I never in a million years would have thought I would have gotten breast cancer. When I talk to friends about having breast cancer, they all act like "well you must just have something in your body" and like they won't ever get it. What's scary is, that's how I thought before getting diagnosed. One in eight women will get breast cancer in their lifetime. Right now, I don't have any other friends or family that have had it. Who will be next? It scares the crap out of me at times. I keep thinking about the many women that are important in my life. There are more than eight. Right now I am the one in eight, but at some point there will be another. Breast cancer sucks!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Advice to Newly Diagnosed Breast Cancer Patients
It has been over a year since my diagnosis and in that time I have learned so much and come such a long way. I recently signed up to be a peer to peer counselor for newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. I have spent some time thinking about all of the things I have experienced and learned in the last year. It is overwhelming to really think about. I guess it got me thinking that some people reading this may be newly diagnosed and I wanted to share my most key learning's in case it helps others going through this breast cancer nightmare.
1. Get second opinion and weigh ALL of your options. I think that even if you think you may get a lumpectomy you should meet with a breast surgeon and a plastic surgeon and just hear what everyone has to say. Get second opinions for both too. I did and found hearing what each of the surgeons had to say helped me make a decision I could live with.
2. You don't have to lose your hair during chemo. Penguin Cold Caps can work for some people depending on which chemo you have. I had taxotere and cytoxan and the cold caps worked for me. I finished chemo with a full head of hair and after chemo was able to move on with my life and not broadcast that I had cancer to the world. Most doctors will not tell you about cold caps and if you bring it up, they will tell you they don't work. I am telling you they DO work. I have photos posted on here back in September that proves it.
3. Consider more medications! I was always the type of person that never took motrin for a headache. I hated taking medications. Now I embrace medications that will help me. I am on tamoxifen and welcome it because it will hopefully keep me healthy despite some of the side effects. I also welcome xanax at night to help me sleep and lexapro to keep me calm and reduce my anxiety over dealing with breast cancer. Honestly I would never in a million years think I would take xanax or lexapro, but I am glad I do have them and it has made things a lot better for me. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about this. Breast cancer is a lot to deal with so there is nothing wrong with a little help.
4. Connect with people that "get it"! I am fortunate to get a lot of support online from other women that are going through breast cancer too. I still participate in online message boards and a private facebook chat group of dear friends I met through having breast cancer. I could not have gotten through this without my good friends that are also living this nightmare along with the message boards where I have gotten great advice and support.
5. Don't let your anticipation get the best of you. Every step of the way I worried and had huge anxiety over what was to come. I was an emotional wreck and freaked myself out so bad before each procedure or chemo and expected the worst. What I found is that most things were actually easier than I anticipated (don't get me wrong...it was not cakewalk!). I just had extreme fear of the unknown and made it worse in my head that it actually was.
6. Don't think about the "big picture". Take it one step at a time. I think if you look at the entire breast cancer road ahead of you, it is just way too much. I did better just focusing on the next step I had to deal with and not the whole thing all at once. This kept me a little more sane!
7. People act stupid when the word "cancer" comes up. People just don't know how to act. Many people will let you down while you go through breast cancer treatment and surgeries. Some people that you think really care about you won't even acknowledge your cancer or offer to help. Some don't even call. In time I have grown to realize it does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say or how to act, so they do nothing. I won't lie, it hurt me a lot that some people acted like they were ignoring me, but I really think they just didn't know how to process it.
8. Exercise is important. I exercised daily through chemo and treatment other then when I was instructed not to exercise. It helped me physically and emotionally. Exercise not only made my body stronger, but helped reduce my stress levels. I think it also helped me focus on feeling GOOD, not crappy through treatment.
9. Attitude matters - A LOT! I told myself I would not be that sick girl going through chemo...and I wasn't. I got up every day and exercised and tried to do everything I normally did before chemo on a daily basis. The more I kept moving and acting normal, I did not focus on being sick from chemo. Granted some people take chemo harder than I did, but I do believe the more you buy into feeling like crap, you will feel like crap. Just my opinion.
10. Remove bad foods and toxic items from your life. I read The Anti Cancer book and it helped me understand which foods are bad for cancer patients and that actually fuel cancer. I have been able to adjust my eating to make me healthier and hopefully decrease my odds of recurrence. I have also read a lot on the internet about toxic ingredients and hormones in body care products. I have also changed make up, lotions, deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, hair color, cookware, plastic containers, water bottles and cleaning supplies. The world is full of toxic chemicals so I am avoiding the ones I can avoid. It takes a lot of time to research this stuff, but it is worth it.
I am sure there are countless other things I have learned, but these are the things that stand out the most in my mind right now. Breast cancer is a long, complicated and exhausting process. I am sure I will continue to learn more things as I move forward surviving breast cancer.
1. Get second opinion and weigh ALL of your options. I think that even if you think you may get a lumpectomy you should meet with a breast surgeon and a plastic surgeon and just hear what everyone has to say. Get second opinions for both too. I did and found hearing what each of the surgeons had to say helped me make a decision I could live with.
2. You don't have to lose your hair during chemo. Penguin Cold Caps can work for some people depending on which chemo you have. I had taxotere and cytoxan and the cold caps worked for me. I finished chemo with a full head of hair and after chemo was able to move on with my life and not broadcast that I had cancer to the world. Most doctors will not tell you about cold caps and if you bring it up, they will tell you they don't work. I am telling you they DO work. I have photos posted on here back in September that proves it.
3. Consider more medications! I was always the type of person that never took motrin for a headache. I hated taking medications. Now I embrace medications that will help me. I am on tamoxifen and welcome it because it will hopefully keep me healthy despite some of the side effects. I also welcome xanax at night to help me sleep and lexapro to keep me calm and reduce my anxiety over dealing with breast cancer. Honestly I would never in a million years think I would take xanax or lexapro, but I am glad I do have them and it has made things a lot better for me. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about this. Breast cancer is a lot to deal with so there is nothing wrong with a little help.
4. Connect with people that "get it"! I am fortunate to get a lot of support online from other women that are going through breast cancer too. I still participate in online message boards and a private facebook chat group of dear friends I met through having breast cancer. I could not have gotten through this without my good friends that are also living this nightmare along with the message boards where I have gotten great advice and support.
5. Don't let your anticipation get the best of you. Every step of the way I worried and had huge anxiety over what was to come. I was an emotional wreck and freaked myself out so bad before each procedure or chemo and expected the worst. What I found is that most things were actually easier than I anticipated (don't get me wrong...it was not cakewalk!). I just had extreme fear of the unknown and made it worse in my head that it actually was.
6. Don't think about the "big picture". Take it one step at a time. I think if you look at the entire breast cancer road ahead of you, it is just way too much. I did better just focusing on the next step I had to deal with and not the whole thing all at once. This kept me a little more sane!
7. People act stupid when the word "cancer" comes up. People just don't know how to act. Many people will let you down while you go through breast cancer treatment and surgeries. Some people that you think really care about you won't even acknowledge your cancer or offer to help. Some don't even call. In time I have grown to realize it does not mean they don't care, they just don't know what to say or how to act, so they do nothing. I won't lie, it hurt me a lot that some people acted like they were ignoring me, but I really think they just didn't know how to process it.
8. Exercise is important. I exercised daily through chemo and treatment other then when I was instructed not to exercise. It helped me physically and emotionally. Exercise not only made my body stronger, but helped reduce my stress levels. I think it also helped me focus on feeling GOOD, not crappy through treatment.
9. Attitude matters - A LOT! I told myself I would not be that sick girl going through chemo...and I wasn't. I got up every day and exercised and tried to do everything I normally did before chemo on a daily basis. The more I kept moving and acting normal, I did not focus on being sick from chemo. Granted some people take chemo harder than I did, but I do believe the more you buy into feeling like crap, you will feel like crap. Just my opinion.
10. Remove bad foods and toxic items from your life. I read The Anti Cancer book and it helped me understand which foods are bad for cancer patients and that actually fuel cancer. I have been able to adjust my eating to make me healthier and hopefully decrease my odds of recurrence. I have also read a lot on the internet about toxic ingredients and hormones in body care products. I have also changed make up, lotions, deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, hair color, cookware, plastic containers, water bottles and cleaning supplies. The world is full of toxic chemicals so I am avoiding the ones I can avoid. It takes a lot of time to research this stuff, but it is worth it.
I am sure there are countless other things I have learned, but these are the things that stand out the most in my mind right now. Breast cancer is a long, complicated and exhausting process. I am sure I will continue to learn more things as I move forward surviving breast cancer.
Monday, January 2, 2012
How Did I Do?
The new year often brings about a lot of reflection and thoughts about your life, last year and the new year to come. For me it really brought me back to where I was at this time last year. It was a pretty bad place for me. At this time last year I was filled with fear, anxiety and so much unknown about what was to come with treatment. It was very overwhelming and emotional.
I am not usually one to make any type of new year resolutions, but last year I did. I guess I needed some goals to shoot for and a way to look to the future. I have not looked at those resolutions until now. I really don't remember too much of what I wrote as it was a crazy time, but now I want to know how I did at following through. Here are my resolutions and results:
1. Complete all surgeries and close the door on breast cancer. (I did have my last surgery on December 9th!!!)
2. Take a great family vacation filled with fun, good times and laughs once my surgeries and treatment are complete. (A few months post chemo and after I got my real implants, I took a vacation to the Outer Banks with my dearests friends, their families and my sister and her kids!)
3. Get back to teaching my aerobics classes as soon as possible. (I did get back to teaching aerobics a few weeks post chemo but when we moved I had to give up my class. I am subbing classes here when I can but have not found a regular class to teach weekly - no one is hiring but I am still looking and subbing!)
4. Become a peer to peer counselor for women newly diagnosed with breast cancer. (I actually just applied a few weeks ago and just got an email back asking me to schedule an interview so this may be in process!)
5. Raise money to help fight breast cancer! Get involved and make a difference in finding a cure! (Oh no...I have not done this at all yet. Actually I don't think I am emotionally ready. I just was so repulsed by Pinktober I just couldn't go there. I hope to get my head on straight and do something this year for the right breast cancer organization).
6. Don't sweat the small stuff...just say "who cares"? .....this will be hard...I am completely type A and a worrier! (I am doing much better on this especially since I started taking Lexapro. I am the one telling my husband to chill out which is rather odd for me!)
7. Get my business up and running and leave my current job. I need to bring in some money so I can make this happen. (I did do half of this one...I did quit my high stress job in the corporate world, but I have not done much with the business. I had high hopes but I did not plan on moving out of state and moving twice in four months. I will work on this for 2012!)
8. Be the best damn mom, wife, daughter, aunt, sister and friend I can be! Tell everyone I care about how much they mean to me and make sure they know I love them! (I feel good about this one. Since quitting my job and moving, my son and I are even closer. I also think my husband and I are closer too - and happier. I am far from my family now because of moving but we are trying hard to stay close by phone, internet and visits).
9. Lose a little of the "type A-ness" in me. Learn to relax, meditate, do yoga or something that will allow me to slow down and enjoy simple moments in life instead of always trying to conquer the world and plan a dinner party. (I have been attending yoga and the cancer center when I can and hope to make it a weekly thing. I also do some yoga, relaxtion and stretching after every workout now. It is very calming and clears my head).
10. Continue to bring a more spiritual presence into my life and celebrate religion and faith as a family. (I need to be more focused on this one in 2012. We just found a new church we like and joining the parish is on my list of things to do in January!)
11. Smile. Love. Be positive. Be happy. Just BE! (This will always be a work in progress but I am doing well with this one!)
Now that I review all of these, I am proud of myself. I really have not looked at these in a year and I actually have made many changes in my life towards these resolutions. I think these changes were for the best. Now the question is, what do I want to accomplish in 2012? I am going to have to give it some thought and create my 2012 resolutions. It is good to have some goals to shoot for!
I am not usually one to make any type of new year resolutions, but last year I did. I guess I needed some goals to shoot for and a way to look to the future. I have not looked at those resolutions until now. I really don't remember too much of what I wrote as it was a crazy time, but now I want to know how I did at following through. Here are my resolutions and results:
1. Complete all surgeries and close the door on breast cancer. (I did have my last surgery on December 9th!!!)
2. Take a great family vacation filled with fun, good times and laughs once my surgeries and treatment are complete. (A few months post chemo and after I got my real implants, I took a vacation to the Outer Banks with my dearests friends, their families and my sister and her kids!)
3. Get back to teaching my aerobics classes as soon as possible. (I did get back to teaching aerobics a few weeks post chemo but when we moved I had to give up my class. I am subbing classes here when I can but have not found a regular class to teach weekly - no one is hiring but I am still looking and subbing!)
4. Become a peer to peer counselor for women newly diagnosed with breast cancer. (I actually just applied a few weeks ago and just got an email back asking me to schedule an interview so this may be in process!)
5. Raise money to help fight breast cancer! Get involved and make a difference in finding a cure! (Oh no...I have not done this at all yet. Actually I don't think I am emotionally ready. I just was so repulsed by Pinktober I just couldn't go there. I hope to get my head on straight and do something this year for the right breast cancer organization).
6. Don't sweat the small stuff...just say "who cares"? .....this will be hard...I am completely type A and a worrier! (I am doing much better on this especially since I started taking Lexapro. I am the one telling my husband to chill out which is rather odd for me!)
7. Get my business up and running and leave my current job. I need to bring in some money so I can make this happen. (I did do half of this one...I did quit my high stress job in the corporate world, but I have not done much with the business. I had high hopes but I did not plan on moving out of state and moving twice in four months. I will work on this for 2012!)
8. Be the best damn mom, wife, daughter, aunt, sister and friend I can be! Tell everyone I care about how much they mean to me and make sure they know I love them! (I feel good about this one. Since quitting my job and moving, my son and I are even closer. I also think my husband and I are closer too - and happier. I am far from my family now because of moving but we are trying hard to stay close by phone, internet and visits).
9. Lose a little of the "type A-ness" in me. Learn to relax, meditate, do yoga or something that will allow me to slow down and enjoy simple moments in life instead of always trying to conquer the world and plan a dinner party. (I have been attending yoga and the cancer center when I can and hope to make it a weekly thing. I also do some yoga, relaxtion and stretching after every workout now. It is very calming and clears my head).
10. Continue to bring a more spiritual presence into my life and celebrate religion and faith as a family. (I need to be more focused on this one in 2012. We just found a new church we like and joining the parish is on my list of things to do in January!)
11. Smile. Love. Be positive. Be happy. Just BE! (This will always be a work in progress but I am doing well with this one!)
Now that I review all of these, I am proud of myself. I really have not looked at these in a year and I actually have made many changes in my life towards these resolutions. I think these changes were for the best. Now the question is, what do I want to accomplish in 2012? I am going to have to give it some thought and create my 2012 resolutions. It is good to have some goals to shoot for!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
A Better Christmas
The holidays this year have brought me so many mixed emotions. At times I flash back to last year....living in silence through all the holidays with my breast cancer secret. It was agonizing. I don't know how I got through each day. I was filled with fear, anxiety, bad thoughts and more. I carried the burden of not telling my family and friends until after the holidays that I had breast cancer. I had such anxiety over how I would tell people, what I would say and how they would take my news. I just wanted to scream "I have cancer" to get it over with, but I just couldn't.
Now I sit back and think about last year at this time and what a different place I am in now. I am grateful for that. Life is better....a lot better. I feel like I am actually getting my life back. I feel good and have energy. I am happy. I never thought I would get here. I guess I can officially say "breast cancer won't define me" and believe it. It has taken such a long time to get to this place in my mind and life. It is well deserved.
This year I had a better Christmas!!!
Now I sit back and think about last year at this time and what a different place I am in now. I am grateful for that. Life is better....a lot better. I feel like I am actually getting my life back. I feel good and have energy. I am happy. I never thought I would get here. I guess I can officially say "breast cancer won't define me" and believe it. It has taken such a long time to get to this place in my mind and life. It is well deserved.
This year I had a better Christmas!!!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I Am Anatomically Correct Now
It has been ten days since my surgery and I have been dying to see what things look like under those bandages. I finally had my post operative doctor appointment yesterday. It was time to be "unveiled".
So once the bandages came off, I got to see myself "anatomically correct" again. It has been almost a year since I had nipples and areolas. I was pleasantly surprised at the results. Surgeons are really amazing!
The areolas and nipples are healing pretty well. The nipples are a bit bigger than I want them, but they make them bigger because they expect them to shrink and flatten in time. Overall, things look pretty good. I am excited!
Today was the first day I got to shower without the bandages on. It was really strange looking down and seeing my new nipples and areolas. I actually felt "normal" again not having "Barbie boobs" (no nipples/areolas). I just could not stop looking at them. I guess I didn't realize how much I missed having them until today. It is good to finally look anatomically correct again. Though I was sick of surgeries and really wasn't looking forward to this surgery, I am SO GLAD I did it. I am pretty happy with the results and feel good about myself.
So once the bandages came off, I got to see myself "anatomically correct" again. It has been almost a year since I had nipples and areolas. I was pleasantly surprised at the results. Surgeons are really amazing!
The areolas and nipples are healing pretty well. The nipples are a bit bigger than I want them, but they make them bigger because they expect them to shrink and flatten in time. Overall, things look pretty good. I am excited!
Today was the first day I got to shower without the bandages on. It was really strange looking down and seeing my new nipples and areolas. I actually felt "normal" again not having "Barbie boobs" (no nipples/areolas). I just could not stop looking at them. I guess I didn't realize how much I missed having them until today. It is good to finally look anatomically correct again. Though I was sick of surgeries and really wasn't looking forward to this surgery, I am SO GLAD I did it. I am pretty happy with the results and feel good about myself.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Minutes of Normalcy...Then Back To Reality
This weekend my family and I set out to have some fun. We went and visited Santa, saw a holiday movie and then headed to downtown Chicago to enjoy the Christmas lights. We took a horse and buggy ride and went shopping and had a great time. We then went out for a nice dinner. For most of the day, I felt "normal" again. I was not thinking about breast cancer. I felt like I was living life again.
At dinner though, I got thrown back into reality. We were sitting there, having a wonderful dinner and then it changed. My five year old son looked at me and said, "Mommy, I am going to come over and give you a hug". He got up and came to my chair and just put his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I asked "why do you want to give me a hug right now?". He said "because I love you so much". It hit me then exactly how much he loves me. I started tearing up and starting having panicked thoughts of not being here for him. I could feel how much he loves me and needs me. Breast cancer is so damn unfair. It just plain sucks. Back to my reality of never having a care free life again.
At dinner though, I got thrown back into reality. We were sitting there, having a wonderful dinner and then it changed. My five year old son looked at me and said, "Mommy, I am going to come over and give you a hug". He got up and came to my chair and just put his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I asked "why do you want to give me a hug right now?". He said "because I love you so much". It hit me then exactly how much he loves me. I started tearing up and starting having panicked thoughts of not being here for him. I could feel how much he loves me and needs me. Breast cancer is so damn unfair. It just plain sucks. Back to my reality of never having a care free life again.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Slamming The Door on Breast Cancer
I had what I hope will be my final surgery on Friday. I was pleasantly surprised at how calm I was. I did not really get nervous even when they rolled me into the operating room. I guess I am a real pro at this now after all the procedures and things that have happened in the last year. I guess surgery is just not a big deal anymore. Gotta love the breast cancer side effects.
At this point, now what I am done with surgery and it has been a whole year since my diagnosis (it was confirmed 1 year ago today), I am ready to slam the door on breast cancer and move on with my life. I am tired of living in a breast cancer world. At this point I want a "normal" life again. I want to live in the moment and experience joy and happiness, not live in fear of breast cancer. So in honor of it being one year since my diagnosis I am slamming the door as hard as I can and walking away with a smile on my face.
At this point, now what I am done with surgery and it has been a whole year since my diagnosis (it was confirmed 1 year ago today), I am ready to slam the door on breast cancer and move on with my life. I am tired of living in a breast cancer world. At this point I want a "normal" life again. I want to live in the moment and experience joy and happiness, not live in fear of breast cancer. So in honor of it being one year since my diagnosis I am slamming the door as hard as I can and walking away with a smile on my face.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
How Much Difference One Year Makes
Tomorrow it will be one year exactly since they told me they thought I had breast cancer and did five biopsies. So much has happened since then. In some ways I can't believe it has already been a year, but in other ways I feel like it was a long year. Either way, I am still dealing with the major changes in my life since that dreaded day.
In two days I will have what should be my final reconstruction surgery. I remember after I found out I had breast cancer and met with doctors I told myself "this crap is going to take one year" to get through. On my surgery day, it will be exactly 366 days. Crazy.
At this point I am so sick of surgeries, doctors and even needles! I am not as nervous as I was for prior surgeries but I guess that is because by now I am a "pro" at this crap. I can also see how some women get to this point and they just say "screw it" and don't do further reconstruction. I could easily do that at this point, but I told myself it would be one year so I am just going to do it. I am not looking forward to it at all....I just want it over with!
So last year for Christmas I got breast cancer, This year I am getting nipples and areolas. That is something I never thought I would get for Christmas! I sure hope they are pretty! LOL!
In two days I will have what should be my final reconstruction surgery. I remember after I found out I had breast cancer and met with doctors I told myself "this crap is going to take one year" to get through. On my surgery day, it will be exactly 366 days. Crazy.
At this point I am so sick of surgeries, doctors and even needles! I am not as nervous as I was for prior surgeries but I guess that is because by now I am a "pro" at this crap. I can also see how some women get to this point and they just say "screw it" and don't do further reconstruction. I could easily do that at this point, but I told myself it would be one year so I am just going to do it. I am not looking forward to it at all....I just want it over with!
So last year for Christmas I got breast cancer, This year I am getting nipples and areolas. That is something I never thought I would get for Christmas! I sure hope they are pretty! LOL!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)