This past weekend I went back to Michigan to visit my family and some friends. It was exactly 1 year ago this week that I started chemotherapy. (I can't believe it has already been a year!). Despite it being an entire year, breast cancer is still a very big part of my life. I am desperately trying to move on and not be consumed with breast cancer and that is slowly getting better, but I don't think the thoughts and fears will ever go away. It's just not possible.
The part I find interesting is I think everyone else in my life has moved on from my cancer diagnosis and treatment. I look completely normal and act completely normal so I guess everyone just treats me normal. What's hard for me is that no one even mentions anything about any of it. It's like my breast cancer never happened. It is so odd.
It's not like I want to talk about it all the time or anything, but I was with family all weekend and not one person brought up anything about any of it. I guess it leaves me feeling a bit odd because it is still so prevalent in my daily life. I kind of feel like a fraud in some ways because I look normal and healthy and act normal and healthy but the breast cancer and it's fears still live in my head. Yes, they are less prevalent in my mind than this time last year, but the fears and thoughts still lurk in my head often. Am I a fraud? Am I fooling everyone? Do they think about it and just don't say anything, or are they just over it? I really don't know what to think anymore. It kind of feels like a 2000 pound pink elephant in the room to me. I wish it would go away!!!
I imagine that once your family reads this post, it will open up conversation. Perhaps they were waiting for a cue from you. I hope you find that one special someone who is at the same point in the journey to talk to and seek support from. Remember to always honor your own feelings.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You probably have already read this, but thought of you when I saw this in my "pile" ~ http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/coping/life-after-treatment
DeleteI understand how you feel. I was diagnosed in Sept. 2011, bilateral mastectomy in Oct., 4 rounds of chemo and will finish the reconstruction process next week, but i sometimes feel like i'm on an island by myself. Like you i wish it would just go away!
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