"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Monday, October 29, 2012

Deja Vu

Yes, it has been a long time since I posted.  I guess the more time that goes by after diagnosis and treatment, the more "normal" life becomes again.  That is a good thing considering how difficult it is to walk through all the steps involved with breast cancer.  I remember it being so "all consuming" and such a part of EVERY minute of my day. I am glad that as time has gone on, it has become less consuming and a much smaller part of my day.

We just returned from our yearly Bahamas vacation.  We have gone the past several years, but didn't go last year because of my treatment and our move out of state.  The last time we went was shortly before I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When I would look at the photos from that trip before my diagnosis, I just got sad because life was "normal" back then.  Now everything is different.  I mourn living in a care-free way and not worrying about cancer.  Maybe I was just naive back then and thought I was invincible or something.  Either way, I feel sad that breast cancer has changed my life forever.

When we went on our trip last week, it was like a big "deja vu".  I felt so much more normal.  I felt like it was just a "normal" vacation.  I can't say that I never thought about breast cancer, but I can say that I didn't think about it all the time.  Strangely, it felt like my old life and our previous trips to the Bahamas.  That was refreshing for a change!

The other thing I noticed is how my perspective on things has changed.  Maybe it's the whole breast cancer experience, or perhaps the Effexor I take, but I am so much more laid back about things than I use to be.  Hurricane Sandy hit the Bahamas while we were there and I just went with the flow.  I am not sure the old me would have done that.  My poor husband was stressed and complaining a lot about the storm ruining our trip.  I kept saying "go with it...you can't change it, so let's have some fun spending time together!"  I had to keep reminding him of that for those few days.  That was strange to hear myself (former "type A", high strung person) telling him to chill out!  That was not a "deja vu" moment by any means, but it was nice to not worry about it.  I guess given what I have been through, hurricane Sandy is nothing!

I hope anyone newly diagnosed reading this finds hope in the old saying that "in time things will get better", because it's true.  I never thought I would be able to say that, but here I am putting it in print.  I hope time continues to allow me more and more "normal" life experiences and much less time spent thinking about breast cancer.  Life IS going on every day and any time I spend worrying about all of this is time wasted.  I have to remember that in those little moments of breast cancer panic.  I hope to continue to have "deja vu" experiences that remind me of my pre-breast cancer life.