Deja vu

I feel like I am back in the beginning phase of all of the breast cancer crap all over again.  I have been having some rib and hip pain so my medical oncologist assured me it was probably nothing but then said we could do a bone scan to be sure.  So I finally found time to schedule the bone scan in between trips to Chicago and vacation this coming weekend.  I finally went today.

Since my doctor ordered the test, I have been in denial and have been putting it out of my mind.  Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was completely worried and emotional again just like when I first was diagnosed and was going through more tests.  I am completely stressed, nervous, anxious and very emotional.  Having this go on while we are moving and traveling out of town for a vacation - and all of this after surgeries and chemo, I am at a breaking point.  My husband is in Chicago so I am a single parent this week too.  I just feel so scared and alone in this.

Now I sit and wait for the test results which will take 3-5 business days.  Nothing like a little more torture.  I am so scared that the cancer is somewhere in my body.  I know this is how I have to live for the rest of my life...with this fear and potential reality.  I just don't know how to do this. 

I am finding it hard to keep my emotions to a minimum in front of my son right now.  The move is really weighing on me.  My stress level is out of control right now.  I have been trying to get us all ready for vacation as we leave in two days.  I know the vacation will be good for me, but how do I even relax knowing the moving truck is coming two days after we get home?  I have not started anything to organize our move yet. 

Last night my five year old son sat on the couch next to me and said "Mommy, I love this house".  I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes as I said "I do too" in a cracked voice. He could see it in my face...I hate that I can't hide it at times.  He hugged me and said "it will be OK Mommy.  We will get a nice new house and you. me and Daddy will be together having an adventure.  It will be good."  I never expected my little boy to comfort me in such a way.  It breaks my heart that I can't be stronger but I am doing the best I can.  I just wish it was better.

Tonight I was emotional again and he hugged me and wanted to make me feel better.  He asked me "Mommy, are you going to cry again tomorrow - because I can help you stop crying again.  I love you".   I am trying so hard to hold it together but sometimes I just can't.  I don't want my son to remember me crying all the time or being sick.  Breast cancer sucks.  There is not a nicer way to put it.  It destroys not only your body, but your mind and faith in things.

For now I sit and wait just like I did back in December.  I feel sick inside.  I am a wreck.