Making Deals In My Head

Some of the things that people don't know about going through breast cancer is all the crap that is swirling around in the head of a breast cancer patient.  I keep finding myself making deals with myself in my head.  What I mean is while I am working out and suffering on the treadmill I keep saying "this is nothing compared to cancer...do this and you will live."  I also keep picturing my son in my head when I want to quit a torture workout and say "finish this and you will be here for him."  I know it sounds odd, but I keep making deals in my head.  If the deals actually were true, I would be fine but since they are not, I find this emotionally exhausting.  No matter what I do or what deal I make with myself, I will never know what the future holds for me with breast cancer. 

I am not "cured" like everyone else thinks.  Even being only stage 1, not one doctor used the word "curable" with me.  There is no cure for breast cancer.  People think that because you have surgery and do chemo that the cancer is gone and you are healed.  If it could only be that simple, my life would be so much easier!

After completing surgeries and treatment, yes, the cancer can be gone.  But that does not mean it will stay that way forever.  My odds are good with less than a 10% chance of recurrence in the next 10 years, but it's hard to get the 10% part of it coming back out of my head.  One in eight women gets breast cancer so we can see exactly why I don't believe in odds anymore.  That sounds pretty good unless you are the one in eight like me.

I hope at some point I can live my day and do the simplest of things (like working out) without spending that time making deals with myself over breast cancer.  Take it from me, we breast cancer patients may look OK on the outside, but the wicked, twisted side of breast cancer lurks in our minds and these are the things we are too afraid to say out loud, let alone to explain to someone we love.  We keep this inside, in our heads and endure it daily.  Sometimes we endure it hourly or moment by moment.  I hope at some point to endure it far less often and eradicate the evil mind game of breast cancer.