So Christmas came and went. I suffered with a horrible sinus cold and popped "happy pills" to deal with the pain from the biopsy and lumpectomy. It was good though. Once it was over, I hibernated in the house. I have had no desire to really go anywhere or do much of anything. I know that's not good for me and I have to get out of this mindset, but it's hard. This just stinks.
I got the call today from the cancer center - my lymph nodes were clear! That is something to celebrate, right? I think so. I never thought I would pour a glass of wine and say "here's to clear lymph nodes" and take a big swig. I did though. It is truly something to celebrate in having cancer.
So since they took the tumor out and my nodes were clear, I guess technically as of now I am officially cancer free! Why does that feel so good and so scary all at the same time? I wish it was that simple as "poof" the cancer is gone, but it's not. I still am waiting for more test results to tell me how aggressive this cancer is or what the likelihood is that it will return in the next 10-15 years. I also am agonizing over my upcoming bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries. I still don't know if I will have chemo or not which is weighing on me horribly. I just wish I could fight this disease privately. With no chemo I have a much better chance of doing that. I know in the end all I want is to LIVE no matter what I have to do. I want to be there for my son and husband. I want to be here to be a pain in the ass mother in law when my son gets married 25 years from now (I have a pain in the ass mother in law you know and I swore I would never be one too!).
I feel good knowing the evil cancer is out of my body. I guess now I am officially cancer free I just have to start thinking about how to live the rest of my life not obsessing about it coming back. Good lord....this is going to be hard. I guess as Scarlett O'Hara says "I will just worry about that tomorrow" right? What do I do when tomorrow comes?
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