I have been waiting for test results on my HER2 Neu test now for a long time. Since getting the initial diagnosis of breast cancer, it has been nothing but good news (as far as breast cancer is concerned). So far they tell me I have the "best" type of breast cancer you can get (as if there is really a "best" breast cancer). While I am thankful for getting "the best" breast cancer, I would prefer not to have it all!
So the phone rang again today - one of my multiple daily calls from the cancer center. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt paralyzed by fear to even answer the call as I knew they were going to tell me more test results today. Thank God it was more good news. My HER2 neu test was negative! That means my cancer is a little less aggressive. What a relief. I ran downstairs and hugged my husband. It is the first smile he has seen in days. We needed this today - really.
You know, the funny thing about breast cancer is that it's just not as simple as breast cancer. When they diagnose you and say "I am sorry. You have breast cancer", they should add on something like "besides being scared shit less that you have cancer, you will be emotionally tortured in the next few weeks waiting for multiple tests that will take forever to get results and until then, we can't tell you much about your prognosis or treatment. See you in a few weeks - I advise you to drink heavily as that is the only way you can get through this". This has been the longest, scariest torture I have endured in my 45 years on this earth. I wish it was as simple as "you have breast cancer so we will do XYZ surgery and treatment and your prognosis is XYZ", but it's not. There are so many types of breast cancer and so many different features and characteristics that unfold in the first month after diagnosis that will paint the picture for your situation. Every time you think you understand, another test comes into play and more waiting for the doom and gloom associated with it. I am emotionally exhausted at this point. I just want to get treated and move on at this point.
Now as I find out more about my specific type of cancer I am going over everything in my life that could have caused it. What did I do? I don't smoke, drink excessively, eat fast food/fried food. I eat low fat food, watch my weight, exercise daily and drink lots of water. So now I am over analyzing every glass of wine I had, every well done steak I ate, those days that I skipped vegetables and more. Now I am scared to eat or do anything as getting cancer makes no sense to me. I know I will never know the answer to how I got cancer, but you keep looking at your life and thinking "if I had only done this or that, maybe I wouldn't have cancer". I know I have to put that thought aside, but for now I just wish I understood what I did to make this happen.
For now, I will celebrate again today that I got more good news. I pray every day that the only bad news I ever got was the day they told me I had breast cancer and that only good things will come moving forward. 2011 could be a great year for me. I just have to keep telling myself that and get to a place where I believe it with every ounce of myself.
I wish I read this at the beginning of my learning I had breast cancer. But I am glad i found it now. Yes emotionally exhausting and completely at the mercy of the tests that seem to never end.And I would agree this is the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced in my 43 years. Best wishes
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting my blog. I hope you are doing well through this agonizing path. I know it is hard, but there is so much to live for. I am trying to stay focused on that! Best wishes to you too!
ReplyDeleteOK, the drink heavily paragraph cracked me up, because that's what it is like. My GYN called and told me I had cancer (at work on Friday afternoon), but when I asked if it was DCIS, IDC, etc., the only thing he could tell me was that it was a "high grade" lesion and that lesions are graded 1 to 3 and mine was graded the highest. I spent the weekend thinking I had stage IV cancer and planned out everything I needed to do to wrap things up for my sons so they didn't have to deal with a mess. It wasn't until I went to the surgeon on Tuesday that I found out it was caught early.
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