Though I am over the shock of hearing I have breast cancer, I just feel so betrayed by my body. This body I have known my whole life. The body that I have worked hard to keep healthy and maintain. This body that gave my son life. This body that my husband loves to hold and touch. I just can't believe my body betrayed me and grew cancer. I keep asking how does this happen?
After getting diagnosed, I can barely look at my chest. I just can't imagine how my breasts grew cancer. I kind of hate them right now. Maybe feeling this way will make it easier to have a bilateral mastectomy. I still worry about that though. I can't imagine looking down after surgery and not seeing a part of my body there any more. I can't imagine the possibility of never having feeling or the sense of touch in my chest area any more even after reconstruction surgery. I can't imagine looking down and seeing new breasts there that are different than the old ones. It's all so strange.
I don't know why I waste my time thinking of all of these strange things, but now I think about EVERYTHING since they told me I have cancer. It's like I wonder and question everything that goes on. I can't shut my brain off at night. I worry about everything. I know that going through this will be a process and it will take time for me to get use to what is happening, but for now it is emotionally exhausting. I am tired of thinking about everything and playing out every bad scenario in my mind. Ugh! I just wish that it would stop. At this point I just want some mental peace.
I look at that body in the mirror and don't know what it represents anymore. Maybe in time I can figure that out and move on. It's all I can hope for.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI found you and your blog from the forum on breastcancer.org. Your diagnosis is exactly the same as mine so I was interested in what you had to say. I am reading through each day on your blog. All the feelings and emotions I am having or had are so similar. How did I get this? etc. I had cancer in one breast but choice the Bilateral Mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, and the sentinel nodes where clear. My Oncotype score is 28. I meet with my Oncologist in a couple weeks, and am nervous as to the outcome, chemo? or not? So I am going to read on and gain hope and comfort from your story. All the best to you and your continued health.
Thank you, Mary
I found this post because I've been thinking about betrayal, how my body has betrayed me, how I have betrayed myself by not being true to myself, how, when my husband has betrayed me, I have withdrawn from him, protected myself - toxic - And I have always lived so joyfully in this body - that is now scarred and numb and toxic and radiated. And all I want is to LIVE MORE in this body. I cling to it tightly - MY LIFE, MY BODY.
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