Counting down the days

Surgery is really happening this week.  I just can't get my head around that.  I only have a few more days with my body the way it is; the way it has always been.  I just can't imagine looking down and seeing a disfigured body and what that will do to me.  Will I ever feel like myself again?  Will I ever feel whole again?  Will I ever look down and not think of cancer every day when I get dressed?  I just can't get my head around this and what it will feel like.  I am scared, but then again every bit of this journey scares me.

I just don't remember what it feels like to just wake up in the morning and just start a "normal" day.  That ended for me back in December and it just seems so long ago.  I don't really remember what if feels like to not be consumed with fear, panic, sadness and cancer.  I long to have my pre-cancer life back.  I know down deep that's not possible though.  It's hard to take.  This is it....this is really it.  I just shake my head and ask "How did I get here?  How did this happen?  Why me?"  I will never know the answer to these questions.

For now I sit and wait.  I try to act normal and get ready for my surgery.  I am running errands and getting supplies for my recovery.  Today I bought a stack of magazines to occupy my time.  I accept calls from family and friends and try to have a conversation about things but it ends up being about my cancer and surgery.  I honestly don't know what is going on in the lives of most of the people I care about anymore.  That's sad.  These phone calls usually end up with "I love you's" and tears for both of us.  It's so hard; so damn hard. 

Down deep inside, I just want to live.  I want my life.  I want things to be normal - getting up and going to work and spending time with my family.  I just want to go out to dinner with friends and laugh.  I want to play in the snow with my son and not fear that I won't get to do that again.  I want to be out with my husband and just be a happy couple, not a couple dealing with cancer.  I just want to feel like me again.  I don't know who this person is in the cancer life.  It can't be me. 

I don't know how I will say good bye to my son on Thursday before I go to the hospital.  I don't know how I won't cry and be sad.   I don't know how many times I will tell him that I love him.  I don't know how I will ever let go of that last hug before I leave.  I keep picturing them wheeling me away from my husband to the OR while I am holding his hand and crying and then finally having to let go of his hand and go alone.  I am so damn scared.  Everyone keeps telling me "you will get through this....you just will".  I don't know how to do that.  I know that I am in hell right now and the flames are all around me and I have to keep walking forward one step at a time.  The flames are big, very real and very close and I have to keep going.  I am just scared.