"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Deja vu

I feel like I am back in the beginning phase of all of the breast cancer crap all over again.  I have been having some rib and hip pain so my medical oncologist assured me it was probably nothing but then said we could do a bone scan to be sure.  So I finally found time to schedule the bone scan in between trips to Chicago and vacation this coming weekend.  I finally went today.

Since my doctor ordered the test, I have been in denial and have been putting it out of my mind.  Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was completely worried and emotional again just like when I first was diagnosed and was going through more tests.  I am completely stressed, nervous, anxious and very emotional.  Having this go on while we are moving and traveling out of town for a vacation - and all of this after surgeries and chemo, I am at a breaking point.  My husband is in Chicago so I am a single parent this week too.  I just feel so scared and alone in this.

Now I sit and wait for the test results which will take 3-5 business days.  Nothing like a little more torture.  I am so scared that the cancer is somewhere in my body.  I know this is how I have to live for the rest of my life...with this fear and potential reality.  I just don't know how to do this. 

I am finding it hard to keep my emotions to a minimum in front of my son right now.  The move is really weighing on me.  My stress level is out of control right now.  I have been trying to get us all ready for vacation as we leave in two days.  I know the vacation will be good for me, but how do I even relax knowing the moving truck is coming two days after we get home?  I have not started anything to organize our move yet. 

Last night my five year old son sat on the couch next to me and said "Mommy, I love this house".  I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes as I said "I do too" in a cracked voice. He could see it in my face...I hate that I can't hide it at times.  He hugged me and said "it will be OK Mommy.  We will get a nice new house and you. me and Daddy will be together having an adventure.  It will be good."  I never expected my little boy to comfort me in such a way.  It breaks my heart that I can't be stronger but I am doing the best I can.  I just wish it was better.

Tonight I was emotional again and he hugged me and wanted to make me feel better.  He asked me "Mommy, are you going to cry again tomorrow - because I can help you stop crying again.  I love you".   I am trying so hard to hold it together but sometimes I just can't.  I don't want my son to remember me crying all the time or being sick.  Breast cancer sucks.  There is not a nicer way to put it.  It destroys not only your body, but your mind and faith in things.

For now I sit and wait just like I did back in December.  I feel sick inside.  I am a wreck. 


  1. You are in the most challenging of circumstances and are showing great strength and grace — especially with your son. You're not alone. Sending cyber hugs!!

  2. Bless his little heart
    What a wonderful little guy
    I can just the imagine the stress of hubby being gone thru all this ...getting read for vacation..then the move as soon as you get home.
    Will be thinking and praying that the results come back clear