"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Why not me?

I have been hearing so many stories of breast cancer survivors that are cancer free for 5, 10, 20 or more years.  Right now that just seems so impossible to me.  I have been consumed with breast cancer and all the crap that goes with it for nine months now.  It really messes with your head.

It's hard to focus on the possibility of being cancer free as with breast cancer there is no cure.  I was stage 1 and not one doctor used the word "curable" with me.  That is hard to swallow.  It is hard to digest that you will never be cured.  You can never just say "well, that's over with - thank God."  This is something I have to live with forever. 

I am trying to come to a place where I can move forward with my life and not be so consumed with breast cancer.  I am not sure how to do that as it is a very real possibility it can come back.  I keep thinking about those women that are lucky enough to be cancer free for years or the rest of their life and then I think "why not me too?"  I can be cancer free for years too.  I have to keep telling myself that.  It's hard to stay focused on that, but it's what I want more than anything. 

I use to be scared about growing old.  Now I am scared I won't get to grow old.  I want to see my son grow up, go to high school, drive a car, go to college, get married and have kids.  I want to grow old with my husband and return to Italy on our 30th wedding anniversary to visit the place we were married.  I want to retire and move south and enjoy warm winters.  Other breast cancer survivors get to do that.  Why not me?


  1. Love your line, "I use to be scared about growing old. Now I am scared I won't get to grow old." I'm right there with ya. It is scary.

    I hope you get to do every one of those things you list above, and more!

  2. Show your support for breast cancer research by buying pink shoe laces and wearing them when you go run in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure.

  3. Don't ruin your life now by dwelling on the thought it may come back. Your thoughts can affect everything around you including your relationships. You have gone through a lot in the last year...you are an incredibly strong person. It sounds sillly but maybe you should do yoga or meditation? Do everything you can to lower your odds and most importantly include positive thinking, it will help you and everything in your life. Think positive. Your done. Get your check ups and live life....and you have a full head of hair-unlike me ;-)

  4. Thanks Renn! It is very true about growing old..

    Suburbanite Hippy Mom: I looked into yoga last week ironically :) I just have not found a class that works with my schedule so far. It's on my list of things to do though. Thanks for the idea. Good minds think a like!