Chemo is around the corner

Here I sit with my hair in tact and a bit dirty (since with the cold caps you can't wash your hair 2 days before and 2 days after chemo).  I am trying to figure out how all of this is going to go.  I am really nervous.  I know there is no turning back now and I have to go forward.  It feels so hard.  It feels so uncertain.  The fear of the unknown is really sinking in at this point.

Tomorrow I start taking the oral steroids.  They have you take them a day before chemo to help your body not react to the chemo.  One of the added side effects of the steroids is tons of energy.  Normally that would be a plus, but already have tons of energy and don't sleep well even with xanax so I will probably be sleepless for a few days.  Won't that just make the whole chemo experience even better hu?  On Wednesday they will also give me more steroids with the chemo.  I will also continue to take the steroids the day after chemo.  I am praying that I will sleep at night.  The last time I went without sleep after surgery I was a emotional wreck. 

On Wednesday we need to be at the infusion room at 8am.  They will start to get me ready and do my pre meds.  I will wear the sub-zero frozen caps for 50 minutes before chemo begins.  Then for the next two hours while my chemo is administered, I will continue to wear the caps, putting a new one on every 30 minutes.  Once chemo is done I have to continue to wear the caps for 4 hours, changing them every 30 minutes.  It will be a minimum of 7 hours with sub zero caps on my head.  I am taking Ativan and Tylenol, but somehow I don't think I will get off not feeling awful.  I just don't know how I will get through Wednesday.  The thought of it seems so unbearable.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son and I knew I was going to be induced I was so scared.  I remember telling myself "it's just one day in a lifetime and at the end you will have something so amazing".  I guess I have to tell myself the same thing this time..."it's just one day in a lifetime and at the end you will have something amazing".  It's just that the something "amazing" is my life this time.  I know that I have to walk through this right now and I have to find every ounce of my emotional energy to push myself through this.  I keep thinking that every time I want to give up I want to look at my son's picture and see his beautiful face and just push myself for him.  I love him so much and want more than anything to be here to raise him and watch him grow into a good man. 

I know I have to do this.  Like I said before, there is no turning back.  Chemo is right in front of me.  I keep telling myself I will walk through chemo just like I did with my surgeries.  Those were easier than I thought and the recovery has been easier than I ever imagined.  I hope with every ounce of myself that I can walk through chemo the same way.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard at times.  I know I will break down at some point....I hate doing that in front of the people that love me.  I hate breast cancer and I hate chemo....period.