Last night we went to a birthday party and the only people there that know of my diagnosis were the hosts of the party. It was only the second time in a long time that I went somewhere and people did not know I had cancer. It was odd to just mingle and talk with people that I know and not have anyone look at me and say "how ARE you?" It was actually quite refreshing. I felt like this was the first really "normal" thing I have done in a really long time.
The only part that was hard was when people asked what was new or how's work. Hummmmm, how do I answer that? So "what's new"? Maybe I should say something like "oh, not too much, I have breast cancer, had a lumpectomy, bilateral mastectomy, I start chemo soon and these are my new fake boobs!" Or to the work question...."I wouldn't know about work, I am on disability for this stupid cancer thing.....". So I quickly realized I need some "canned" answers to these questions if I am going to continue to try to do "normal" things. So by the end of the evening I had perfected my canned answers. On the work thing it was something like "oh, you know work - busy and crazy". For the what's new thing, it was something like "oh working and trying to push through winter in hopes of an early spring". After saying these things, I tried to shift the conversation to the other person just so I could have something to talk about.
I guess this goes with the territory of not shouting out to the entire world that I have cancer. If the cold caps are successful in keeping my hair during treatment, no one will ever have any idea that I have cancer. I will definitely have to perfect my "canned answers". I never knew that an acting class should be part of the process when you have cancer!
At this point, I feel good. I can't believe it has only been three weeks since my surgery. I figured it would take way longer to feel this good. I was even feeling pretty sore from getting my tissue expanders filled on Friday, but now I feel a lot better. I know I have to buckle down because the next two weeks are going to be really hard. I know I have to take one step at a time and not look ahead at everything. I am trying hard to do that, but it feels impossible at times. It is very overwhelming. I guess this week I just have to get through having the chemo port put in on Wednesday. That will be a long day for me with a lot of anxiety for sure. It has to be easier than a bilateral mastectomy, right?
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