"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I have no time for breast cancer

If I felt like my life was out of control before just dealing with breast cancer, things are really out of control now!  With our upcoming move out of state, I have had NO time to even think about breast cancer.   That has been a welcomed break for sure.

I spent the weekend looking for a place to rent and a new house to buy in Chicago with my husband and son.  It was a completely busy weekend with really no time to dwell on my breast cancer.  Somehow life is getting back to normal or at least a different version of the old life.  For now I am consumed with researching schools, neighborhoods, commute time to my husband's job and moving.  Maybe all of this distraction is good. 

I am still emotionally trying to get under control at times.  I am sad that our house already got an offer.  It's bittersweet. We need the house to sell so we can move, but it is our house...the place we built a life and family.  I get sad at the thought of not being able to go in my son's room and remember rocking him as a baby in there.  I am sad I won't be able to look out in the yard and see him playing on his swing set.  I am sad I won't look out the very sliding door my son was holding on to before he took his first steps in my kitchen.  I am mourning my house and the memories we built here.

I know I will always have my memories, but this is home....our home.  We bought this house with the intent of building our family and life here and sharing that with our family and friends.  I am so sad to say goodbye to all of that.  It's really hard, especially after all of the breast cancer things I have had to endure in the past seven months. 

Somehow I know it will all be OK.   I know that moving will also continue to bring my family closer together. I know that we can build a new life...a good one in Chicago too.  I am trying to remain optimistic and look to the future with hope.  I still have my moments though which I guess is normal.  Going through another major life change of moving right after a cancer diagnosis and treatment is hard so I am trying to be kind to myself and realize it will take time to accept all of this.

For now, my hair is still shedding.  I can't even bring myself to wash it....blech!  I figure if I am not going anywhere, why wash it?  So I am home with my dirty hair, but at least I still have hair.  It is still much thinner than it was.  I look back at my pre-cancer photos and realize what beautiful hair I had.  It has been so long since I looked "normal" I forgot what the healthy me looked like.  In photos I am smiling, happy and full of life.  I don't look so tired and weathered as I do now.  I keep hoping soon enough when I can resume normal hair care and get a good cut I can look a bit more like the old me.   For now, I am happy that I have hair on my head, eyelashes are growing back like crazy and I no longer have to connect the dots with an eyeliner on my eyebrows.  I am celebrating these things today!


  1. As crazy as it seems now, I think this move will be the start of a wonderful new life for you and your family, post-BC. Just remember to take a little time for YOU each day! ;-)

  2. Hey there,
    My name is Liz and I came across your blog a little while ago while researching cancer bloggers online. First I would like to state that I am happy that you are in full fighting mode and that your getting through it. I think the move will be a really great thing for you. Although I understand that you are sad about the move, its a new beginning, its a clean slate.
    That said, since your blog is a great resource for someone going through cancer I wanted to reach out to you to see if you were interested in a new online social support network (that I am the community manager of!) called I Had Cancer. It is a new and free social support network focused on connecting people based on experiences with cancer so that they can easily communicate with one another and share information. I would love to tell you more if you are interested, so please let me know! Because I was so struck by your writing I would love to send you an early-access pass with extra invites for others you may know going through this journey.

    Either way, thank you so much for your writing. Take care and best regards.
    -Liz@ihadcancer.com - If anyone would like information on I Had Cancer please email me.

  3. Thanks Renn! I know you are right. Liz, I will contact you...thanks for stopping in!