A Dose of Just What I Needed

I have been so busy all summer living life and being at home with my son, I have not had as much time to dwell on breast cancer and all that comes with it.  Now that my son is back to school, I am trying to get back into a routine.  This morning started like any other morning.  I was up early, got dressed, got my son up and dressed.  We had breakfast and then I got him off to school.  I sat here at home getting ready to hit the gym and then it hit me......it was just a "normal morning" the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It started like any other day, but it was NOT like any other day.  I guess my anxiety was getting the best of me today since I had my three month medical oncology appointment today.

My mind kept racing with crazy thoughts.  What if my blood work reveals something bad?  What if the doctor notices something bad?  What if today is another day that is NOT like any other day?  All of my fears of breast cancer and what I have been through came rushing back all at once.  I was left feeling emotional and stressed out.  I went to the gym.  I did not feel like running today, but I did anyway.  I guess the stress really pushed me.  It was the first time I have run 6 miles in less than 60 minutes!  I didn't even have a cramp in my side.  I guess I was really wound up from all the breast cancer thoughts.

When I left the gym, I sent a text to my dear friend Shannon (one of my Bosom Buddies - we went through this crap together).  I asked her to call me as I was having a rough day.  Within minutes, the phone rang.  We talked about all of this.  She put me at ease and helped me talk about my fears.  She "got it" as she has the same fears most of the time.  I chatted with her until I walked into the medical oncology office.  (Gosh am I grateful for Bosom Buddies!!!)

My doctor appointment went well.  He said my blood was "pristine."  That was a great way to start off the appointment.  At one point I said I wanted to review some current clinical trials for treatments that may help improve my odds.  He seemed a bit taken back by my questions.  He kept reinforcing I had great odds already.  I said, "well since breast cancer is not curable I will continue to search for new or additional ways I can help myself be here to watch my son grow up."  He said "who told you breast cancer was not curable?"  I said "none of my doctors have EVER used the word curable....only treatable with good outcomes.  Many of the studies talk about survival rates for the next 10 years after diagnosis - I never hear of them referring to the rest of your life."  He replied with "CURABLE, CURABLE, CURABLE!!!!  I will say it as many times as you need to hear it.  I believe you are cured...I can't prove it, but I believe it!"  I guess he gave me a dose of just what I needed today.  I felt better after I left his office.

While I try so hard every day to live like I don't have breast cancer, it's hard to make it completely go away.  I don't think it ever will.  It has forever changed me in many ways.  I hope to continue being optimistic and hopeful for the future.  I want to be here to be a grandma one day and to retire and grow old with my husband.  Some days it is easier than others.  I guess if I was having a rough day, I could not ask for more support than my dear friend Shannon and my medical oncologist giving me a dose of just what I needed.

A "Little" Inspiration

Sometimes inspiration comes to you from unexpected sources.  Since I am a fitness professional and have been for years, I am use to being the one to try to inspire and encourage people to workout hard.  The other day I had a startling revelation that I have raised a real "mini me"!  My son has taken over the coaching role and has been a source of inspiration and encouragement for ME!  It really caught me off guard.

This was our conversation as we were walking into the gym one day last week:

Me:  "Oh honey, I am tired today and I don't feel like working out."
My Son:  "Mommy, you have to.  You should run today."
Me:  "I should run today?"
My Son:  "Yes, you should run 8 miles"
Me:  "8 miles?  I don't think I can today"
My Son:  "You can do it Mommy, you have done it before"

What could I say to that????  So I got in there and ran the dang 8 miles.  After my workout we were leaving the gym and here was the conversation:

Me:  "Well, I ran the 8 miles"
My son"  "Good Mommy, I am proud of you.  Next time you can run 10 miles"

OMG!  I was trying to contain myself.  He is going to kill me!  Now I know what it feels like to have someone coach me!

I guess it made me realize why I have done EVERYTHING I have done with my breast cancer treatment in the past year and a half.  I did it all for him.   I am so happy to be here and feeling good.  I cherish the time I spend with my son and am inspired by him every day.  I still dread the day that I have to explain my breast cancer to him (he still doesn't know I had it or did chemo), but I will remind him that if I can run 8 miles then I am fine.  Sometimes inspiration really does come from unexpected sources.  Oh and if you are wondering, I have not attempted the 10 miles yet.  I will though, but I will be afraid to tell my son because then he will want me to run 12 miles.  I have been thinking about doing a half marathon and at this rate, my son will have me ready soon!!

Getting Back To My Life

It has been so long since my last post.  Looking back I have not posted since my son got out of school for the summer!  I am a full time Mommy these days which leaves little time for blogging.  I did not fall of the face of the earth and I am still doing great - just much busier these days with sports, swim lessons, play dates and afternoons at the pool.  I guess that's all good compared to where I was a year ago!

When I think about a year ago, I was in the midst of dealing with the aftermath of chemo and my hair was still shedding and stressing me out.  We were also just starting the process of moving out of state.  Life was really crazy then and it feels SO MUCH better this summer.

I finally feel like life is "normal".  I never thought I would say that.  It's strange but I am not consumed with breast cancer 24 hours a day and 7 days a week like I use to be.  I still think about it, but it's far less often than it use to be.  I have been busy getting back to my life and learning how to live as a breast cancer survivor.  I have finally come to a place where I am not ashamed of what I have been through.  I feel more open about it and have actually talked more openly about it even with new friends I have met since moving here.  This is another surprise for me.  I never thought I would say that either.

Some things in my life are still different, but it's not necessarily bad.  I am really enjoying doing yoga every week.  I like how I feel so calm after I do a class.  I am more focused on running.  I am up to running 8 miles at a time.  I have never done that before now!  A half marathon is still in my mind so I may try to do that later this year.  I don't miss my crazy career at all.  I thought being home would make me bored, but I am busy with taking care of me and my family.  I feel like that job never ends.  I am also really working on decorating this house!  I refuse to live here for 7 years and still have rooms that remain unpainted like the last house.  I want to decorate it and enjoy it.  I still have not gotten my business off the ground yet, but once my son is back in school I hope to regain my focus on that.  All of these things are positives in my life.  All of these things are happening because of my breast cancer. I guess I am trying to realize that every event in life causes other things to happen.  Sometimes bad things lead to good things. For that, I am grateful.  I have a saying I always say "sometimes you have to go through the really shitty stuff to get to the really GOOD stuff".  I hope the "shitty" stuff is all done because things are pretty good now.

I Got A Tattoo But Not How I Thought It Would Be

Earlier this week I finally completed my breast reconstruction and got areola and nipple tattoos.  It was kind of odd to go to my plastic surgeon's office and have a tattoo artist tattoo my breasts!  I always imagined that if I got a tattoo, it would be on a crazy girl's vacation with my best friend and there would be a lot of alcohol involved.   I thought it would be of a butterfly or something cute on my stomach or hip.  Never in a million years did I think I would be getting areola and nipple tattoos on my new fake breasts.

I always thought getting a tattoo would hurt really bad, but it didn't.  The procedure took about 1 1/2 hours and I did not feel most of it.  I guess I didn't feel it because I have a lot of numbness on my breasts after all the surgeries.  All went smoothly and I drove myself home.  I felt a little tender the rest of the day but only if I bumped my tattoo area.  The next morning nothing hurt or was red at all.  A few days later, they look great.

I never thought I would see the day that I would finally be finished with reconstructive surgery.  It seemed like such an impossible thing at the beginning of all of this.  Now I can say "I am done!"  That really feels good to say after so much time!  What's even nicer is looking in the mirror when I get out of the shower and actually looking pretty normal.  I can't believe what miracle workers the breast surgeons are.  My breasts look pretty real.  Of course I have some scars, but once those continue to fade, they won't be very noticeable.  I can't believe how just a little tattoo can make me feel so complete!

Enjoying the Little Things

Sometimes it is the very simple things in life that make you think.  Today I was weeding the garden beds and it left me very alone with my thoughts for quite a long time (we have lots of gardens!).  I started to realized that prior to going through breast cancer, I never had time to appreciate things.  I never had time to weed the gardens.  I was too busy working, doing too many things and hurrying around.  Things are so different now.

Today as I weeded the gardens, I took time to appreciate the sun shining down on me.  I enjoyed the breeze blowing my hair (which I thought would never happen once I found out I would have chemo - thank you cold caps for allowing me to keep my hair!).  I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood and the train in the distance.  I could hear kids playing in the park and laughing.  It was peaceful and calming. 

In my pre-breast cancer life, I just didn't have time to stop and enjoy things and appreciate the moment.  I never thought a boring chore like weeding gardens would be something I would appreciate, but I guess after breast cancer I have started to enjoy the little things in life a lot more.

When I think about how breast cancer has changed me, I think about how much I took things for granted before.  I guess I was so busy trying to get things done I just didn't take time to be thankful.  Now I try to be thankful for every day and some of the simple things that get lost in the daily shuffle. 

I wish that others around me could learn this from me, but unless they have gone through a life changing experience like cancer, they just don't get it.  It's hard for me when they complain about very trivial things when there are much worse things that could be happening to them.  I guess I was that way before the breast cancer too.  For now I will take in each day and try to enjoy the little things like weeding the garden, feeling the wind blow my hair and feeling the warmth of the sun shining down on me.  These are the little things that make me feel calm, at peace and happy.  We all need more of that.

Life is Good

When I think about how life was at this time last year and compare it to life now, I can't believe how different things are!  This time last year I had just finished my second chemo infusion.  I still had surgeries remaining and was in the thick of breast cancer.  Part of it seems like yesterday, but parts of it seem so long ago.  Because life seems so much more normal, sometimes it feels like it never happened.  I do have the lovely scars to prove that it did though.

When I look at my life now, it is filled with things I didn't imagine.  At this time last year, I wanted out of my job horribly.  Now I no longer work there and am free to work on my own business and have time to take care of my family.  A year ago, I couldn't run at all despite working out all the time.  I had not been running in years.  Now I run 6 miles at a time a few days a week.  After getting diagnosed, I never thought I would do that. I never ran that much even in my 20's and 30's.  Now I am 46 and a year out from breast cancer and I am doing that!  At this point I am considering training for a half marathon!  My body also feels SO much better.  I had so many aches and pains from stress, driving in the car all the time for my job and exercising that I felt like an old woman.  The hip pain I had for five years from IT-Band issues is completely gone!  The heel spur that made it hard for me to walk at times is barely noticed.  My stress level is reduced greatly and I just feel so much better.  My secrets are yoga, exercise, reducing my stress and just focusing on the things that really matter.

What is strange to me is that I feel THIS good a year later.  Life is just good!  I guess breast cancer changes so many things in your life, but some of them can be for the better if you stop and think about it.  For anyone reading this that is going through the breast cancer journey, try to have faith that life will be good again.  I could not see that in the middle of my journey, but now I am living it. 

To Tell or Not To Tell?

Now that we are settled in a new state, we are making friends and getting to know a lot more people, which is really nice.  We have been spending a lot of time with our neighbors and another family we met through soccer.  It feels like things are getting more "normal" each and every day which is refreshing!

The problem I have is the whole breast cancer thing and my diet.  What is hard for me when we go somewhere is worrying about the food and the hormones in it.  When we lived in Michigan, my family and friends all knew and often would prepare something special for me or I would just bring something I could eat with me and it was no big deal.  Here, no one knows I had breast cancer.  As we get more and more invitations out to do things I fear it is going to be harder to keep this to myself.  I just won't eat meat full of hormones or certain foods that are not good for hormone positive breast cancer. 

It's not that I don't want to tell people, it's just awkward.  At what point do you discuss something so personal and devastating with someone you are building a friendship with?  It puts me in a very uncomfortable place at times. 

The other thing I have to deal with is my son does not really know I had cancer. He knows I had a boo boo in my chest and needed surgeries to make me healthy.  He also knows I had some strong medicines that made me tired for a while.  Because I kept my hair through chemo, he has no idea I even did it.  I acted normal and we did normal things all through my treatment so he never asked any questions so I just went with it.  What makes this difficult is that the more people I tell, the more chances of my son finding out that I had cancer from someone else.  I plan to tell him, but when the time is right - not now.  He is only five. 

I had many reasons I did not want to tell my son I had cancer.  First of all I didn't think I needed to teach a four year old the words "cancer" and "chemo".  Since I had planned to use the Penguin Cold Caps to keep my hair through chemo, he would not really see me look any different.  Also, I was staged as Stage 1 breast cancer and the odds of recurrence were less than 10% for me so I am being hopeful that I won't have to deal with breast cancer again or at least for a very long time.  Given all of these things, we decided it would be best not to tell him at the time. 

Now I struggle with my son not knowing and my friends not knowing that I had breast cancer.  I guess at some point I will have to tell some people, but for now I just mention that I have some very unusual dietary restrictions and hope no one asks too many questions.  If they were to ask questions I don't even know what I would say.... I also try to invite people over here more for get togethers so I can control the food better.  I wonder how long I can keep this up!

What's strange is with breast cancer you try so hard to move on and forget about it but it keeps interfering with what should be "normal" events or things in your life.  It is pretty dang annoying!  Darn breast cancer.......ugh!