"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Full of energy but getting scared.

I am still completely surprised that I still have so much energy despite the fact that I have been going through chemo for eight weeks now.  I have continued to exercise five days a week since starting chemo and am glad to say that I have not missed any workouts!  I actually even got back into running again the last two weeks which I have not done since a few months before getting diagnosed.  Today I ran 2 miles, walked a mile and then got on the elliptical for 30 minutes before ending with weights (lower body) and stretching for 10 minutes.  I tell you  - it feels good!

I actually finish me chemo next week.  I just can't believe it.  I thought that day would never come.  As it quickly approaches, I am having mixed feelings on it all.  I am so glad to not have to put poison in my body anymore and have this stupid port in my arm, but a part of me is really getting scared.  I feel like for the last few months I have been doing everything I can to get rid of this cancer.  I have had tests, surgeries and now chemo.  I guess I am wondering what do I do after that?  I am no longer actively in treatment....how do I just live?  How do I not worry and panic that it is coming back?  I guess for the last few months I have been so focused on treatment that I have not had time to think about what my life will be like. 

I keep getting these little "jolts" of panic and I just get scared.  What if the cancer comes back?  They told me that breast cancer is not curable, it is treatable.  I can't get that out of my head.  I know many people live for a long time with no recurrence or never have a recurrence, but I am still scared as many people just like me also have a recurrence.  I just don't know how to process all of this.  I just feel a huge sense of fear living the rest of my life waiting for cancer to strike again.  The worst part is usually if it strikes again it is Stage IV and that's not good at all.   Time can be very limited for Stage IV patients.  I just get scared I won't be here to raise my young son.  That breaks my heart......

I don't know how to live as a survivor of breast cancer.  I can barely think about saying I am a "breast cancer survivor".  I just never thought this would be my life.  I guess no one does really. 

I know this will be a lifelong issue so I have to deal with it.  I am thinking that some professional counseling may be helpful.  I just have so many thoughts and fears that I just can't say to anyone in my life because I don't want them to know how scared I still am despite the way I act and live my life now.  I can't even write what I think...somehow just putting it out there makes it more real.  I hope I can find a way to move forward in my life without thinking the big, dark cancer cloud is over my head.  I just don't know how to live like that...........

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