"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Monday, May 23, 2011

Am I OK?

The other day I was at the gym and ran into a friend I no longer really see anymore.  She works part time so for her to see me at the gym during the day she wondered what was going on (since I usually work full time).  She has seen me there a few times now during the day and before I pawned it off and made excuses.  This time I felt like I had to say something since I really should have been at work if I was not on short term disability due to breast cancer. 

The conversation was so awkward for me.  She has no idea I have breast cancer and I had no desire to tell her.  I still have my hair so that part is not obvious.  My breasts were a small size B before and now they are a size C with awful looking tissue expanders until I get my permanent implants next month.  I have a port in my arm but if I keep my arm down you wouldn't notice it.  So when she asked what was going on with work I just said "oh, I had some surgery and I have been off".  She asked of course what type of surgery....I could not bring myself to tell her so I said "oh nothing I want to talk about".  She said "well, you are OK, right?".   I really didn't know what to say.  I wanted to say "no, I will never be OK".  I really had to stop myself from being honest. I said "oh, yea, I am OK" but I could not even look her in the eyes when I said it.

After we ended our conversation and she walked away I kept thinking to myself "am I OK?".  I am so scared about cancer coming back.  Now that I am no longer focused on treatments I have more time to worry about this stuff.  I am so damn angry that I got breast cancer.  I will never be "OK" knowing this can come back and take my life at any time.  I don't know how to live like this for the rest of my life.  I am scared.  I cried yesterday for the first time in weeks.  It's just not right.  I feel so betrayed, angry, cheated and scared.  The thought of not being here to raise my son breaks my heart.  I can't imagine saying good bye to him one day. 

I keep wondering when it will strike again.  Will it be two years?  Five years?  Ten years?  How much can I do in ten years?  Will I live until my son is ten, fifteen, twenty?  Will I ever see him graduate, drive a car, get married?  I don't know how to not think about this stuff all the time.  I am truly scared.  I don't even know how to talk about these things with friends or family.  I spend so much time convincing them that I am OK, I can't bring myself to share my inner fears and scary thoughts with them.  I feel so alone in this no matter how many people are around me and supporting me because there is so much I am to afraid to say out loud, let alone to the people I love. 

I hate breast cancer.  It is a evil, sneaky disease that can shake you to the core.


  1. Dear MDG,

    I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now. And everytime it gets to me so deep inside.
    The words you lay down here could be exactly mine. I tear up reading you because you say those words I can't even say to myself.
    I'm 38, mom of a 3 months old and I was diagnosed with BC at week 36 of pregnancy.
    I had tumeroctomy 3 days after giving birth to my son and just had my 4th chemo 10d ago.
    Would love to write to you...

  2. B...I am so sorry you have to endure this too. I can't even imagine being a new mom and dealing with this. My heart goes out to you. Do you have an email address I can contact you at? I have found such support online from other woman going through this. Have you been on www.breastcancer.org? That sight has connected me with so many other wonderful, amazing women battling this evil disease. Hugs!