"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Back to work

I have been off from my full time job as a sales representative since my surgery in January.  Today I returned to work.  It was really strange to be doing things I did in my "old life" again.  I don't know what to think about that. 

Right now it feels really overwhelming to go back to work.  I am still dealing with an allergic reaction to the chemo (itchy rash that won't go away!) and having less energy than usual.  Emotionally I feel so unfocused.  I just feel so out of sorts and distracted.  It was odd to try and concentrate on work stuff after so long.

So much has happened since I went out on short term disability at work.  My company was bought out and the merger when through.  My boss quit and I got a new boss.  They changed my territory.  I also got a new product.  Since I now techincally work for a new company, I have to switch everything - phone number, email address, order new business cards, clean out all my old promotional sales items that can no longer be used.  Everything is the new company's way now so I have to learn all of that stuff too.  It is really overwhelming that nothing at work really even feels the same after my whole personal life doesn't feel the same either.  I am taking a deep breath...............

The hard part for me too is that other than my boss, no one at work knows I had breast cancer.  I wanted to keep it that way but people are asking questions.  It is making me feel very uncomfortable.  I don't want to share my cancer business with the entire company!  I thought maybe I could just tell my immediate co-workers and ask them to keep it among our group, but I know each person will tell a person or two and before I know it everyone will know my business.  I just hate feeling like everyone deserves and explanation.  My boss was asking what I wanted him to tell people and almost encouraging me to tell people because they were asking.  I hate dealing with this...it makes me just want to run and hide!  I just want everyone to leave me alone and respect my privacy.  Why should I have to tell anyone anything?  I don't owe anyone any explanation?   Just because I worked with you for 4 years does not mean I have to tell you my personal medical business......I just don't feel ready to deal with all that comes with work.  I just want to hide at home........

1 comment:

  1. I respect your attitude, but I chose to handle it differently. (Diagnosed Sept 2010, had lumpectomy, chemo, just finished radiation.) Between surgery and chemo starting, I was still working for a few weeks and I made the decision to be very open about having breast cancer. One by one, women came up to me and shared the fact that they'd had it too--women I knew and whom I had no idea had had cancer. I want as many people as possible to know that the face of this disease is the face of your friend, your mom, your co-worker. I'm a little older than you, and I remember when having breast cancer seemed to be a shameful secret that no one talked about (and in no way am I implying that's what you're doing. I understand you simply prefer your privacy). I agree with you, breast cancer won't define me, either. I'm going to define breast cancer.