"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Friday, May 6, 2011

Bringing me to tears

This week has been so great.  I finished my last chemo two days ago and I was so lucky to have my best friend in the world here with me for the last few days.  She drove 5 hours to come and be with me for the last chemo.  Having her here meant everything to me!  She has been my best friend for over 20 years.  We have been through everything together so having her here for this was so special.  She left this morning...leaving me in tears, but I cherish the day we had yesterday shopping and going to lunch.  I picked up my last Pandora ring (I bought myself one for each of my 4 chemo's) and bought her one too!  We came home and cooked a healthy and fabulous dinner together and enjoyed it with my huband and son. What a great few days despite the fact that chemo was involved.

After she left I hit the gym for my usual workout and then had a special lunch date.  It was a special luncheon for Mother's Day at my 4 year old son's pre-school.  I was to bring a lunch for both of us and be there at 11:30am.  I could not wait.  I sat there feeling "normal" and just like the other moms.  I ate lunch with him.  He was so happy I was there.  They sang two songs just for us mommies.  Then he gave me a gift he made.  It was a scrap book page that I can frame with a photo of him holding a huge banner that says "I love you Mom".  It was beautifully decorated.  At that moment I just almost lost it.  I started tearing up.  I got so emotional....it was so hard for me.  The other moms probably thought I was some kind of freak (only the teachers know I have BC).  In that moment I just was filled with so much emotion.  I don't know what came over me. 

I look at my young son and think about all I have gone through and how much moments like this mean to me.  I always have that fear in my mind that maybe I won't be here for a Mother's Day soon or his birthday or something else important in his life.  I don't know how to live with that fear for the rest of my life...I really don't.  I do know that these little moments will forever be so important to me - more than I can express.  They always were even before breast cancer but now it's magnified so immensely because of the inner fear of the cancer coming back. 

I know I am done with chemo now and have done all I can do.  I will continue to exercise and follow the Anti Cancer diet to help my body fight off anything that tries to start up again.  I will take the tamoxifen to block the estrogen.  I am doing everything I can do to be here.  I know I have turned another corner on this breast cancer journey and I have to find my "new normal" and learn to not live in fear.  I need to keep praying and striving to have my faith in things be greater than my fear. 

As I sit here and look back at all the fears I have had during this, today was an accomplishment.  I remember thinking I would be that bald, bloated, sick looking person and that people would look at me with pity and only see me as a person with cancer.  I look at who I really am now...I am a woman that had breast cancer and I am healthy, fit, full of energy and have a full head of hair (thanks to Penguin Cold Caps!) after completing chemo.  I sat there today with my son at that table with just like every other mom.  That is something I didn't think I would be able to do when I started this journey.  That is an accomplishment that I am taking pride in today.  I feel truly blessed.

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