"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Six months later

Today makes it six months since the day they suspected cancer.  I can still remember the doctor's exact words "this no longer looks consistent with something benign".  She said that three times....I remember saying "I hear what your saying..you think I have cancer".  

That day change everything forever.  Nothing was ever the same nor will it ever be.  That is really hard to digest even six months later.  It never really gets easier emotionally.

When I think about the last six months, so much has happened.  I don't recognize my life anymore - or my body for that matter.  I still wake up and can't believe I have cancer.  I guess you never get use to that no matter how much time goes by or what you go through. 

Sometimes I feel so robbed from breast cancer.  It took away my care free life.  It took away my inner peace and much of my faith in things.  It changed the way I think about things.  It stole me sense of relaxation and calmness at night before bed (now it is panic so I take xanax rather than be left alone with my thoughts at night in the dark and silence).  I can't even continue writing the list of all the things breast cancer robbed me of....the list is endless.  This is truly a horrible disease and no one should have to endure it's wrath.  It's wrong.  God I hope they find a cure soon.  Maybe it could restore some things that seem missing in my life right now........

1 comment:

  1. I just posted my 6 month thoughts on my blog and then came over to check on you. Incredible...we think the same thoughts. I describe it as life in neutral rather then drive. Lucky you...life is rolling once again in drive (yea!) and no need for you (or me in the future) to look back!