"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What I want

Today for some reason was a bad day for me.  I am so emotional.  I went back to work last week and started tamoxifen this past weekend.  In addition to all of my cancer BS in the last 6 months, my husband is interviewing for new jobs all over the nation and we will most likely be moving away once he accepts a new job.  Right now I feel completely overwhelmed.........I don't feel like myself.  I don't know who this person is and whose life this is anymore.

I feel completely overwhelmed by going back to work.  For the past several months I have been in my own little breast cancer world.   I have been off from my stressful job.  I have been solely focused on my health and my family and nothing else.  I was focusing on treatment and surgeries.  Now I feel like I have been thrown back into my old life and I am not the same person.  I can't identify with my old life because NOTHING is the same anymore and it can't ever be the same as it was. 

I find it so hard to focus on work.  It just seems so pointless, meaningless and insignificant after all I have gone through. I plan on quitting my job once we move anyway so I just don't really care anymore.  It's so hard to just act like I care when I hate my job and already know I am one foot out.  I just don't care.   I don't want to do it.  I just want it to go away.  This is hard for me because I have always been a very hard worker and very dedicated to my job giving over 100%.  I don't know who this new person is.

Today it just got to me.  I feel so overwhelmed.....I just wanted to run into my room, climb in bed and put the sheets over my head and hide.  My husband called me today to check in and I just started bawling.  I have not cried like that in a long time.  My husband listened as I told him "everything is out of control..I can't relate to this life right now.  I hate my job...I don't want to do it and I just want it to go away!".  He said "don't worry...it will all be OK"!

After we got off the phone I thought to myself, will it really be OK?  What I want is for someone to tell me that "it will be OK" and for me to REALLY believe them.  I don't know anymore.  I just want to BELIEVE it will really be OK.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  I feel like my life has been in an upheaval for six months.  I don't know what my life is suppose to be like anymore.  Knowing we will most likely be moving soon away from family and friends and starting a new life, I really can't even picture what my life will be.   I just feel so emotionally drained and exhausted at this point.  I have my exchange surgery for my permanent implants in two weeks and then I am off work for another few weeks for recovery.  I am just drained..........I don't know how to move forward and "just live" without being overwhelmed by breast cancer for the rest of my life. 

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