"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

He loves me, he loves me not......

Why do I question my husband's love for me when I need it the most?  Why do I let my mind go to all of those horrible places and think bad thoughts?  I guess it is just the place I am in right now dealing with the recent diagnosis.  I guess I am starting to doubt so many things now.  I want to stop, but I just can't help myself.

When I got the initial diagnosis, I kept thinking "I am ruining my husband and son's lives".  I kept telling my husband "I am sorry.  I am so sorry I am doing this to you guys". He kept saying "you aren't doing this...you did nothing wrong".  No matter what he says, the guilt is staggering.  I just feel like such a pathetic wife and mom and I feel so lame getting cancer and inflicting this on all of the people in my life.  I feel like I will become this pain in the ass burden to everyone and everyone will be consumed with my "cancer".

Now for some reason I am feeling so insecure in our relationship.  I never really felt this way before about us.  Maybe it has to do with my past experiences in life.  Years ago I was married to another man for 9 years.  Our life wasn't perfect, but I loved him so much and we seemed happy.  That all changed a few weeks after I had a miscarriage.  My devoted husband filed for divorce without saying a word, sold our home and left me for another woman he had been seeing for almost 2 years.  I was devastated, humiliated and hurt deeply.  After that I swore I would never get married again or let someone ever hurt me like that again.  At 32 I moved back to the state I was from to be near family and started a new life.  It took me years to get over what happened and move on with my life in a way that found happiness. 

I met my current husband from an internet site...yes, I really did!  We went out on a date and I never immediately thought he was "the one".  Heck, I didn't want to get married and find "the one" at that point. I just wanted to meet a nice guy to share some fun with and have companionship.  Three years later, I told him I was in a different place and knew that after being in a relationship with him made me see that I could really share a life with someone and have a family.  I never thought I would feel this way again.  I told him that there was no pressure for him to make any marriage plans with me but I wanted to know what I now wanted out of life and a relationship.  I told him he had to let me know what he truly wanted.  If he wanted marriage and a family, that is fine but if not I would understand.  I also needed to know if he even wanted that kind of life with me.  Within a few months we were planning our wedding.  Now 6 1/2 years later we are happy and parents.  Life is good.  Life became everything I thought it would never be after my first husband destroyed my dreams. 

Now I sit scared thinking that my poor husband didn't sign up for this.  He didn't sign up to have a wife with cancer.  I am letting my mind think horrible things about this.  I keep thinking that once he sees my surgery aftermath from bilateral mastectomy he will be repulsed and not find me attractive in any way.  Then my mind wanders to if I need chemotherapy.  Who would want a bald, puffed up wife that pukes all over and is exhausted and can't do anything for herself?  I keep thinking about after surgery when he has to tend to my drains and wounds that he will be grossed out and feel "stuck" with this poor excuse of a wife.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why can't I believe with every ounce of me that he will still love me the same way?  He has only supported me in this and tells me that he doesn't care about all of that.  He says that all he cares about is the fact that I am here with him.  Why isn't that enough?

I started having nightmares about him not being there for me.  It got so bad that I now sleep with the TV on so I won't fall asleep.  I am afraid at night.  At first, sleep was all I wanted to do because it meant I wasn't spending every second thinking about cancer.  It was the only place that seemed safe and calm. Now if I do fall asleep, I have horrible dreams and wake up hysterically crying.  The theme of these dreams are always similar.  I am somewhere, scared and alone and I keep trying to call my husband or get him to help  me and I just can't get through to him or get the phone to work.  In my dream I am crying an petrified and alone and no matter what I do, he doesn't hear me calling for him.  It was so bad the other night I woke up at 2:30am and sobbed for almost an hour.  My husband held me and told me it was going to be OK and he asked "do you want the TV on"?  I said yes and just kept watching until I just fell asleep a long time later. 

I guess this is all just part of the process of dealing with cancer.  You question and doubt everything you ever believed in before.  No one told me that when they said "you have cancer".  I only hope and pray that in time I can curb my mind from going to all of those dark, scary places and find a little peace.  I know in my heart my husband loves me, but I am scared that nothing will ever be the same again.  I know I can't be the same person - both physically and emotionally after all of this.  What if he doesn't love the new me?  I can only hope that in some way he changes with me and we grow as a couple and find a new and deeper love and appreciation for each other.  I pray for that every night. 

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