"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Monday, December 13, 2010

"It's not good. There are cancer cells".

This is what the doctor said as soon as she walked in the room today.  I just sat there in disbelief.  I really do have cancer.  How can this happen?  I am healthy.  I workout.  I eat well and try to do what I can to reduce risk of any disease.  This can't be happening...not to me.  How does this happen?  Why me? 

Then the "good news".  The doctor tells me it is probably stage I and we caught it in a very early stage.  She kept saying "it's very treatable".  They start using all of those "nice ways" to say things when they tell you it's cancer.  While I would rather be "treatable" than non-treatable, it's still so hard to hear those types of terms. I just want my life back. 

My husband and I sat there and cried in the exam room.  He held me. I just kept saying "I am so sorry...I am sorry I am doing this to you".  I just felt so bad like I was ruining my husband and my son's life with my diagnosis.  I feel angry, mad, scared and guilty all at once.  I feel so alone no matter how much my husband holds me and tells me I can do this.  The reality is that I am the only one with cancer.  It just feels so damn lonely and scary.  I begin to question my faith in wondering why God has chosen me.  I begin to question whether I am a good person or not.  Why me?  I keep going to church and want to believe that God will hear my prayers and help me be healthy again.  I need to keep faith and hope alive.  It's so easy to let your mind go to the dark and scary places instead of staying positive. 

Now I know - I have breast cancer.  Now what do I do? I went home and got on the phone with the other local National Cancer Center and started scheduling appointments.  Now I have to deal with it.  I got over my fear of the Internet and started reading and reading.  I have to figure out what to do to get rid of this and live my life.  It's so overwhelming.


  1. Replies
    1. Mary it has been almost three years since I was diagnosed. I am doing very well now. Life is back to normal and I am continuing to exercise and take care of myself. I am still taking tamoxifen.