"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It No Longer Looks Consistent with Something Benign

I started this day like any other day.  I got up, got showered and dressed, woke my son up and got him ready for preschool.  I kissed my son and husband goodbye and said "I love you - have a great day".  I was going to head to work right after my stop at the doctor's to do a six month follow up appointment.  As I got out of my car at the doctor's parking lot, my phone rang.  It was my usual morning phone call from one of my best friends of 10 years whom I work with.  I said "gotta call you back....just doing my 6 month breast check up".  She said, "call me when your are done".  Little did I know everything would change that morning.

The lump I had found several months earlier.  Six months ago they said it looks like a fibroadenoma - a benign mass.  I was relieved.  I really didn't worry.  I had no idea that everything would change forever today.  After the follow up ultrasound, the physician told me "the lump no longer looks consistent with something benign".  I can still hear her exact words.  She kept saying that.  I finally said "I HEAR what you are saying...I GET what you mean, you think I have cancer".  I sat there alone and in disbelief.  Shocked.  Scared.  She told me we needed to do another mammogram and a biopsy immediately.  After she left the room - I just sat there. The first thought that entered my mind is "have I lived the life I wanted to live?  Have I lived a life that I am proud of?  Have I been the best person I could be?"  Then I thought, "How do I tell my mom I have cancer?  How do I tell my precious 4 year old son I have cancer?  How do I tell my husband - the man I love and created a wonderful life with that I have cancer?"

The next four hours were a blur.  I was shocked, half crying, shaking inside, terrified.  They completed the procedures and told me I would get the results six days later.  I walked out of the hospital got in my car and sobbed.  I pulled out of the parking garage and saw the most beautiful winter day.  The sky was perfect blue and clear.  The sun shining bright.  How could this most perfect and beautiful day be filled with something so horrible and wrong?  I got on the freeway and drove to my husband's office.  I kept sobbing and crying and trying to figure out how I was going to tell him.  I had barely mentioned the doctor's appointment to him so he really had no idea anything could be going on. 

I walked in his office and shut the door.  I started sobbing.  I kept trying to say "they think I have cancer" through the sobs...he kept saying "What?  Tell me?  What is going on?".  Then he actually heard me.  He held me and we cried there in his office.  I never felt so scared in my life.

By now it was 1pm and my friend who had texted me a few times was worried.  She texted "Are U OK?".  I responded "No.  Don't feel like talking".  She knew and texted me back "When I didn't hear from you I was worried it was bad news.  I am praying for you and will be there for you".  I left my husband's office.  He was going to meet me at home in an hour.  My son was still in school.  I promised my son I would finish decorating the house for Christmas that day.  I also promised him pancakes for breakfast tomorrow.  I went to the grocery store and shopped..numb.  It was an out of body experience as I trembled inside, I completed everything I promised my son and drove home.  My husband met me there.  We sat on the couch and cried.  I decorated the house for the holiday and made sure his Christmas Elf Harold was waiting for my son when he got home.  I put on more make up and picked up my son, just like any other day. 

This was not any other day filled with work and trivial things that drive a person crazy.  This was so unlike any other day and it would be the day that changed my life forever.  This is the beginning of a new journey in my life.  A journey I never thought I would be on.  A journey that seems unbelievable, scary and long.  I don't know where to begin.  Somehow I thought documenting this would be a way to help me get through this or share this experience with someone else facing the same uncertain journey. 

This blog is my story about having breast cancer.

No comments:

Post a Comment