"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My phone keeps ringing

So my morning began like most other mornings, getting up and getting my son ready for school.  I crawled in bed with him this morning like most other mornings.  I hug him and talk softly to him to wake him up.  This is the best part of my day.  Being near him and loving him.  I love when he wakes up and says "I love you Mommy".  I just want to cry inside knowing I have cancer.  

I got him up and out the door with my husband.  I tried to eat a little, but even that his hard.  I forced myself to go to the gym just for 30 minutes.  I did do it and by the time I got out of the gym, my phone was ringing.  Now that I have started the process at the cancer center, things are in full swing.  Today I had at least six phone calls from various nurses, schedulers, etc.... getting everything set up.  This is my new daily routine - calling back all of the people at the cancer center. 

After the gym, I stopped by church.  Praying has brought me comfort.  I try to go at least a few times a week.  After I left, the phone kept ringing and ringing.  I just kept trying to return all of the phone calls and get showered so I could get to the plastic surgeon's office on time. 

Next thing I knew it was time to leave for the 1 hour drive to the plastic surgeon's office.  It was 12:30pm and I had still not eaten.  I didn't have time to eat....I had to leave.  I grabbed some crackers and a bottled water and got in the car.  The whole way there I was returning phone calls and trying to talk with my husband about any other questions we had for the surgeon (my husband was at work - I told him I could do this by myself).  I felt out of breath by the time I got there.  I had not had one minute to catch my breath all morning. 

I got to the appointment just in time and met with the surgical resident.  She was kind and took at least 30 minutes to explain my options and review things with me.  As I feared, I was not much of a candidate for any flap procedures as I am too thin.  I guess that's what all of those years in the gym gets you - less surgical options.  Oh well, there is nothing I can do about that and it certainly doesn't help that I have lost 8 lbs since getting diagnosed due to stress.

The surgeon came in and explained everything.  I guess my best option is immediate reconstruction with tissue expanders and implants.  If I end up needing radiation my plan would change to a modified lat flap on the breast cancer side followed by tissue expanders and an implant.  The other side would not have a flap procedure at all, just tissue expanders and an implant.  It is so disappointing to realize that no matter what, this will take several surgeries over the next year.  I just want to put this behind me and move on but instead it has to be dragged out for months and months.  The thought of having this hang over my head and have a daily reminder seems so unbearable.  I just want to move on and get over cancer and not deal with it anymore. 

The surgeon was kind.  Ninety percent of his practice is dedicated to reconstruction surgery post lumpectomy or mastectomy.  He made me feel comfortable and took a lot of time to answer my questions.  I liked him.  He made me feel like he could make me look good and that I could have a very good outcome.  I hope he is right.

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