"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My body betrayed me

Though I am over the shock of hearing I have breast cancer, I just feel so betrayed by my body.  This body I have known my whole life.  The body that I have worked hard to keep healthy and maintain.  This body that gave my son life.  This body that my husband loves to hold and touch.  I just can't believe my body betrayed me and grew cancer.  I keep asking how does this happen? 

After getting diagnosed, I can barely look at my chest.  I just can't imagine how my breasts grew cancer.  I kind of hate them right now.  Maybe feeling this way will make it easier to have a bilateral mastectomy.  I still worry about that though.  I can't imagine looking down after surgery and not seeing a part of my body there any more.  I can't imagine the possibility of never having feeling or the sense of touch in my chest area any more even after reconstruction surgery.  I can't imagine looking down and seeing new breasts there that are different than the old ones.  It's all so strange. 

I don't know why I waste my time thinking of all of these strange things, but now I think about EVERYTHING since they told me I have cancer.  It's like I wonder and question everything that goes on.  I can't shut my brain off at night.  I worry about everything.  I know that going through this will be a process and it will take time for me to get use to what is happening, but for now it is emotionally exhausting.  I am tired of thinking about everything and playing out every bad scenario in my mind.  Ugh!  I just wish that it would stop.  At this point I just want some mental peace. 

I look at that body in the mirror and don't know what it represents anymore.  Maybe in time I can figure that out and move on.  It's all I can hope for. 


  1. Hi,
    I found you and your blog from the forum on breastcancer.org. Your diagnosis is exactly the same as mine so I was interested in what you had to say. I am reading through each day on your blog. All the feelings and emotions I am having or had are so similar. How did I get this? etc. I had cancer in one breast but choice the Bilateral Mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, and the sentinel nodes where clear. My Oncotype score is 28. I meet with my Oncologist in a couple weeks, and am nervous as to the outcome, chemo? or not? So I am going to read on and gain hope and comfort from your story. All the best to you and your continued health.
    Thank you, Mary

  2. I found this post because I've been thinking about betrayal, how my body has betrayed me, how I have betrayed myself by not being true to myself, how, when my husband has betrayed me, I have withdrawn from him, protected myself - toxic - And I have always lived so joyfully in this body - that is now scarred and numb and toxic and radiated. And all I want is to LIVE MORE in this body. I cling to it tightly - MY LIFE, MY BODY.