Though I am over the shock of hearing I have breast cancer, I just feel so betrayed by my body. This body I have known my whole life. The body that I have worked hard to keep healthy and maintain. This body that gave my son life. This body that my husband loves to hold and touch. I just can't believe my body betrayed me and grew cancer. I keep asking how does this happen?
After getting diagnosed, I can barely look at my chest. I just can't imagine how my breasts grew cancer. I kind of hate them right now. Maybe feeling this way will make it easier to have a bilateral mastectomy. I still worry about that though. I can't imagine looking down after surgery and not seeing a part of my body there any more. I can't imagine the possibility of never having feeling or the sense of touch in my chest area any more even after reconstruction surgery. I can't imagine looking down and seeing new breasts there that are different than the old ones. It's all so strange.
I don't know why I waste my time thinking of all of these strange things, but now I think about EVERYTHING since they told me I have cancer. It's like I wonder and question everything that goes on. I can't shut my brain off at night. I worry about everything. I know that going through this will be a process and it will take time for me to get use to what is happening, but for now it is emotionally exhausting. I am tired of thinking about everything and playing out every bad scenario in my mind. Ugh! I just wish that it would stop. At this point I just want some mental peace.
I look at that body in the mirror and don't know what it represents anymore. Maybe in time I can figure that out and move on. It's all I can hope for.
I am a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a neice, an aunt and a friend. I never thought I would hear the words "It's not good. There are cancer cells". December 8, 2010 changed my life forever. This is my scary, long, enlightening journey through breast cancer. I hope that my words help others facing a similar situation or those that love someone going through breast cancer. I don't know where the road in front of me leads, but I know that Breast Cancer won't define me.
"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"
Thursday, December 30, 2010
My body betrayed me
Labels: Breast Cancer
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I found you and your blog from the forum on breastcancer.org. Your diagnosis is exactly the same as mine so I was interested in what you had to say. I am reading through each day on your blog. All the feelings and emotions I am having or had are so similar. How did I get this? etc. I had cancer in one breast but choice the Bilateral Mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, and the sentinel nodes where clear. My Oncotype score is 28. I meet with my Oncologist in a couple weeks, and am nervous as to the outcome, chemo? or not? So I am going to read on and gain hope and comfort from your story. All the best to you and your continued health.
Thank you, Mary
I found this post because I've been thinking about betrayal, how my body has betrayed me, how I have betrayed myself by not being true to myself, how, when my husband has betrayed me, I have withdrawn from him, protected myself - toxic - And I have always lived so joyfully in this body - that is now scarred and numb and toxic and radiated. And all I want is to LIVE MORE in this body. I cling to it tightly - MY LIFE, MY BODY.ReplyDelete