"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Friday, December 10, 2010

How Much Can I Cry?

I woke up this morning and for a split second when I opened my eyes, I forgot what happend yesterday. Then, I remembered. They think I have breast cancer. I thought about tucking my son in to bed the night before. When I put him to bed, my eyes teared up and I wondered "what if I am not here in a year to tuck him in like this anymore"? I hugged him and kissed him goodnight. I could simply say "I just love you".

How do I face the day knowing I most likely have breast cancer? The answer to that is "you just do". I got up, got dressed and went in to my son's room to wake him up just like any other morning. Life is going on and I have to keep going.

So here I sit alone. My husband went to work and my son is at school. I sit here alone staring at the Christmas tree. Who knew two days ago when we went to cut down a fresh tree that I would find out I could have breast cancer. I wanted to get on the computer and google everything about breast cancer, but I was so scared of knowing anything. I was petrified and parlized by my own fear. I sat there on the couch alone and cried and stared at that beautiful Christmas tree for hours.

I knew I had to call my friend and explain. She knew it was not good news. I called her and broke the news to her as I cried. She was great. She is so strong and supportive. She committed to be with me through everything. I didn't want anyone to know, but I knew there was no way I could hide this secret from such a close friend. She already guessed. She knew better when I didn't call her back. I guess it's a blessing to have her know. I need her now more than ever.

Tonight I talked with my husband and I told him I just could not tell family before Christmas. I begged him to keep things between us and my sister and two friends. My sister and one of my friends work in the oncology field and can help us wade through the information in the coming weeks. We agreed that we would wait until after the holidays to tell anyone else.

That night my brother in law was in town on business from out of town so he stayed with us. It was so hard to act "normal". What is normal anymore anyway? I acted like the perfect host and tried to keep it together so my secret would be safe. I prayed that night for the tests to reveal no cancer, but somehow I just knew it wouldn't be. Now I only have five more days to find out the truth. I am scared. The wait is so hard. My mind keeps going to the darkest, scariest places right now. I can't stop myself from thinking horrible things about my future. I am so frightened of what is to come.

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