"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I am "cancer free" today :)

So Christmas came and went.  I suffered with a horrible sinus cold and popped "happy pills" to deal with the pain from the biopsy and lumpectomy.  It was good though.  Once it was over, I hibernated in the house.  I have had no desire to really go anywhere or do much of anything.  I know that's not good for me and I have to get out of this mindset, but it's hard.  This just stinks. 

I got the call today from the cancer center - my lymph nodes were clear!  That is something to celebrate, right?  I think so.  I never thought I would pour a glass of wine and say "here's to clear lymph nodes" and take a big swig.  I did though.  It is truly something to celebrate in having cancer. 

So since they took the tumor out and my nodes were clear, I guess technically as of now I am officially cancer free!  Why does that feel so good and so scary all at the same time?  I wish it was that simple as "poof" the cancer is gone, but it's not.  I still am waiting for more test results to tell me how aggressive this cancer is or what the likelihood is that it will return in the next 10-15 years.  I also am agonizing over my upcoming bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries.  I still don't know if I will have chemo or not which is weighing on me horribly.  I just wish I could fight this disease privately.  With no chemo I have a much better chance of doing that.  I know in the end all I want is to LIVE no matter what I have to do.  I want to be there for my son and husband. I want to be here to be a pain in the ass mother in law when my son gets married 25 years from now (I have a pain in the ass mother in law you know and I swore I would never be one too!). 

I feel good knowing the evil cancer is out of my body.  I guess now I am officially cancer free I just have to start thinking about how to live the rest of my life not obsessing about it coming back.  Good lord....this is going to be hard.  I guess as Scarlett O'Hara says "I will just worry about that tomorrow" right?  What do I do when tomorrow comes? 

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