"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Friday, March 11, 2011

Nobody knows, somebody knows....

I went to the gym this morning and ran into a friend that I don't see much anymore.  We use to be really close and talk a few times a week but that really fell off in the last year.  So she has no idea that I have breast cancer because I never told her.  I was worried that she would notice something different....I guess because to me everything is different now. 

When I ran into her I was just walking in the locker room to get rid of my sweatshirt and jacket.  She started talking to me so I had to shed my coat and sweatshirt with her watching and talking to me.  I was nervous to take off my sweatshirt now with my new tissue expander breasts and the port in my arm, but I just kept talking and acting normal as I did everything.  We continued to talk as I got ready and we walked up to the workout floor together.  She never even blinked or looked at me funny.  So I was now in my tank top with my new boobs and my chemo port on my arm and she noticed nothing.  All of my hair is still in tact so that wasn't different either.  I felt so nervous the whole time talking to her.  It was so strange.  It was really hard when she was asking me about work seeing as I am on short term disability and not working at all right now.  I just gave a BS answer and moved on.  I hate that I felt like I was lying and keeping a secret.

After we were done talking I went to do my workout just like normal.  I then realized that I am "normal" to everyone else.  I am not a "cancer patient" to strangers or even acquaintances.  I have hoped for this ever since being diagnosed.  I keep hoping that my hair stays with the Penguin Cold Caps and I can still be "normal" in the coming months.  Today gave me hope for that. 

When I was done working out I went back to the locker room by myself and was getting my things out of the locker.  There was a woman standing next to me getting dressed.  As I reached in my locker for my sweatshirt, she looked at my arm and saw the chemo port (it's still healing).  I felt so uncomfortable.  I then looked at her in the eyes and she just looked at me..I knew she knew what it was.  I could tell by the look on her face.  I just felt so uncomfortable.  She said nothing, but the rest of the time I was in there she looked at me with a look of pity on her face. 

I guess my lesson for today is wear long sleeve workout shirts......

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