"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Monday, January 24, 2011

Counting down the days

Surgery is really happening this week.  I just can't get my head around that.  I only have a few more days with my body the way it is; the way it has always been.  I just can't imagine looking down and seeing a disfigured body and what that will do to me.  Will I ever feel like myself again?  Will I ever feel whole again?  Will I ever look down and not think of cancer every day when I get dressed?  I just can't get my head around this and what it will feel like.  I am scared, but then again every bit of this journey scares me.

I just don't remember what it feels like to just wake up in the morning and just start a "normal" day.  That ended for me back in December and it just seems so long ago.  I don't really remember what if feels like to not be consumed with fear, panic, sadness and cancer.  I long to have my pre-cancer life back.  I know down deep that's not possible though.  It's hard to take.  This is it....this is really it.  I just shake my head and ask "How did I get here?  How did this happen?  Why me?"  I will never know the answer to these questions.

For now I sit and wait.  I try to act normal and get ready for my surgery.  I am running errands and getting supplies for my recovery.  Today I bought a stack of magazines to occupy my time.  I accept calls from family and friends and try to have a conversation about things but it ends up being about my cancer and surgery.  I honestly don't know what is going on in the lives of most of the people I care about anymore.  That's sad.  These phone calls usually end up with "I love you's" and tears for both of us.  It's so hard; so damn hard. 

Down deep inside, I just want to live.  I want my life.  I want things to be normal - getting up and going to work and spending time with my family.  I just want to go out to dinner with friends and laugh.  I want to play in the snow with my son and not fear that I won't get to do that again.  I want to be out with my husband and just be a happy couple, not a couple dealing with cancer.  I just want to feel like me again.  I don't know who this person is in the cancer life.  It can't be me. 

I don't know how I will say good bye to my son on Thursday before I go to the hospital.  I don't know how I won't cry and be sad.   I don't know how many times I will tell him that I love him.  I don't know how I will ever let go of that last hug before I leave.  I keep picturing them wheeling me away from my husband to the OR while I am holding his hand and crying and then finally having to let go of his hand and go alone.  I am so damn scared.  Everyone keeps telling me "you will get through this....you just will".  I don't know how to do that.  I know that I am in hell right now and the flames are all around me and I have to keep walking forward one step at a time.  The flames are big, very real and very close and I have to keep going.  I am just scared.

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