"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Finding a little bit of the "old me"

I feel like the entire last month has been some kind of "out of body experience" and that it really didn't happen or something.  I have been avoiding my family and friends, crying, freaking out and just trying to act normal in front of my four year old son.  For all of that acting I have done in front of my son, family and friends for the past month I should be nominated for an Academy Award or something. "And the best award for cancer-acting goes to....."

So today was the first time I taught an aerobics class in weeks.  Because of doctor appointments and the holidays,  I have not taught in about three weeks.  I have to say that it felt like things were almost "normal" again for a while.  I kind of felt like my old self which is the first trace I have had of my old self in a month!  It actually felt good.  I taught my class with smile on my face and got to see all of my friends in my class.  It was nice that when I was there, no one was freaked out because they know nothing about my cancer.  When I am with family and friends I feel like there is a two thousand pound pink elephant in the room that no one talks about - my cancer.  At the gym, no one knows about it and there is no huge elephant in the corner of the room.  It just felt GOOD!  It's the best I felt in weeks!

I don't know how I proceed forward with my friends in class.  I just don't want to tell them I have cancer.  I know I will be out for a while, but I have a foot injury and they may just assume it is surgery for my foot.  For some reason telling the people in my class makes me feel weak.  I know it is crazy, but they look to me to be the strong one, their leader in class, the one to push them when they don't want to be there and a health role model.  Now, I have cancer.  I feel like somehow they will feel sorry for me and see me as weak.  I know I am just having issues dealing with the emotional side effects of having cancer, but somehow it's just hard for me to accept this.  I just can't imagine people seeing me differently. 

For now I will keep praying I don't need chemo so I can fight this disease privately and keep a sense of dignity for myself.  I know it's just me having a hard time with this and other people probably won't freak out as bad as I think they will, but that is the control freak and worry person that I am. 

This weekend my mom is coming to spend time with us.  She is even cooking me a good Italian dinner so I will eat something.  You know when you have an Italian mom, you must "mangia, mangia" or she will not be happy.  I guess I can't disappoint mama now can I?

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