"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Friday, January 7, 2011

Only one more "cancer bomb" to drop

I feel so emotionally exhausted at this point.  Each day this week I have told family members or friends about my diagnosis.   I only have one more person I need to tell and I just want to get it over with.  It has been so emotionally draining, it seems worse than the diagnosis itself at times.  It has been so hard to explain every detail and test and the whole long, scary road that I face.  I have cried in every conversation though I promised myself I wouldn't.  I have made almost every person I really care about cry over my illness.  I just feel so horrible about it.

I know that getting cancer wasn't something that I did.  I know down deep inside that it just happened to me and it's not my fault, but along with it brings so much guilt.  I feel like in some way I am doing this to everyone I care about.   I know that sounds crazy because I didn't choose to get cancer, but the fact that I do have it is making everyone around me sad, scared and cry.  This makes me feel horrible, absolutely horrible inside. 

I have always considered myself the person that just took care of herself and helped others.  I am not the kind of person to ask for help from friends and family.  I just push through things and figure it out even if it's hard.  That's who I have been for years.  Now I find myself in this very unfamiliar place that makes me uncomfortable.  I find myself "needing" people to help.  I have swallowed my pride and asked for help from my family and friends and they are eager and happy to do it.  I just don't know how to deal with it.  It feels strange to be on the other side of things and feel so needy, fragile, scared and dependent on others.  It is not who I am.  I have never been that person. 

I guess what I have to realize is that cancer does change everything.  It changes your thoughts, your needs, your fears, your hopes, your dreams and so many other little parts of your soul.  I know I am forever changed because of cancer and I can't go back.  I hope in time I can find a way to embrace the new parts of me that grew out of my cancer.  I am scared at times  I won't like the new me or that people that know me won't understand the new me or why I have changed.  I know I have no control over that just like I have no control over my cancer.  I have to pray each day that I find more peace in my life and not worry about all of the things I can't control. This is hard for a self-proclaimed control freak!!!

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