"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Saturday, January 1, 2011

My New Year's Eve

This year I just couldn't get the desire up to go out and spend time with friends.  We had invitations to do things with friends, but I just didn't feel like.  Keeping my breast cancer a secret is really getting hard for me.  It's so hard to smile, act happy and laugh with people I care about and know that next week I am going to drop my "cancer bomb" on them.  I feel like once they know, it will forever change everything.  I keep thinking they will look at me different or feel sorry for me or only think about "cancer" when they look at me. I keep thinking they will think about my disfigured body or wonder what my new boobs look like.  I know all of this sounds nuts, but then again I am a woman.  This is what we do right?  We fabricate all kinds of crazy scenarios in our heads that probably never will exist and we obsess about them.  Well, at least I know that is what I do.

So, now that we decided we were not going out, what were we going to do?  I decided to just do something fun with my son and husband.  I decided we would have a picnic and drink prosecco and apple juice out of champagne glasses.  My husband and I (being food snobs....) made some wonderful veggie and cheese pannini's.  For my son I did more traditional picnic food - hot dogs and potato chips.  We sat on the kitchen floor, just the three of us holding our champagne glasses and toasting "Happy New Year".  My son insisted on doing "cheers" and a glass clink on every sip!  He loved it.  It was one of those special moments I will cherish no matter what the future holds. 

After the picnic, we got under the special Christmas blanket on the couch and cuddled together and watched a movie.  My son fell asleep in an hour cuddling on me.  It was the best.  I could only look down and think about just how much I loved him and how much I want to be here for him. 

This morning my son asked "when can we have another picnic and drink out of those special cups?".  I just laughed and told him we would do it again soon.  I think this may be the best thing to cheer me up when I am down...a simple picnic.  Why do I feel like we will be having a lot of picnics in the months to come???

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