"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tomorrow is surgery

I woke up this morning and just laid there in bed in the darkness, listening to my son sleep on the baby monitor.  I just laid there and then began my new morning ritual.....a rosary.  I laid in the darkness praying and praying for a long time.  This is how my mornings start ever since getting cancer. 

I remember the days of just jumping out of bed and crawling into my bed with my son to hug him and wake him slowly.  Now I have to spend a long time praying first.  I use to be woken up by the alarm and snooze several times.  Now I wake up way before the alarm and can't go back to sleep as soon as I remember that I have cancer.  Everything is different. 

This morning after I prayed, I climbed into bed with my son.  I realized this will be the last time I will be able to crawl into his bed and really hug him for a while.  That made me sad.  I love starting my day being close to him and telling him how much I missed him while I was sleeping.  I love laying next to him and gently waking him with hugs and kisses and kind words.  It's probably one of the best parts of my day...just hugging him tight.  I will miss that in the coming weeks more than anything. 

After my son went to school, I sat here alone trying to plan my day - my last day before surgery.  I feel a sense of peace that I can't explain, but the panic still lurks in the background.  I hugged my husband really long and tight before he left for work.  He kept telling me he loved me. 

I am trying to get ready to go to the gym for my last workout in a long time.  I just want to enjoy being able to move my body freely and feel normal for one last day.  After that, I plan to stop by church for more prayer and light a candle.  A few errands and home to pack things for my son's sleepover at my brother's and get my things together for the hospital.  Tonight my husband is taking me and my little one out to my favorite middle eastern restaurant - I guess it's his last ditch effort to get me to eat a decent meal (I don't eat much these days and have lost 13 lbs since getting diagnosed).  I hope when we get home we can all climb up into my son's bed and play a game and read some books together as a family together.  I just want to see my son smile.  I just want to feel his innocence, happiness and love.

I would like to say that I am ready for surgery, but I don't think anyone can ever be ready for something like this.  The surgery makes my breast cancer real.  It changes everything.  My body will never look the same or feel the same.  I feel like I am losing a part of myself not only physically but emotionally in this.  I hope I can find new parts of myself that I never knew existed after the surgery.  I hope these new parts of me have strong faith, optimism, happiness and courage.  I don't know how this will go and for that I am scared.  Everyone keeps telling me that once I start this journey, I will just keep moving forward through it and get it done.  I know that is true, but it will still be hard, scary and lonely.  I hate breast cancer.  I hate that I am using the word "hate", but nothing else expresses it so right.  I guess for now I will try to enjoy my last day with life as I know it now and live the rest of my days moving forward with a new cancer free life. 

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