"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Getting ready for surgery and last glimps of the old me

Surgery is two days away.  I don't know what to feel anymore.  I don't want that day to come, but I just want it over with.  I am still scared but feel a little more peace inside somehow.  I am not sure why really.  I guess I have gotten to some type of acceptance with what will be. 

Today I am just trying to get things done before surgery.  I remember before my son was born, I was nesting and doing all kinds of things around the house last minute.  I find myself doing the same things now too.  I went to the book store today and picked up a few books on breast cancer that were referred to me (The Anti-Cancer Lifestyle and Foods That Fight Cancer).  I also picked up a copy of a book that has all the details of breast cancer as a reference.  I came home and made my favorite veggie mini crustless quiches - all organic for breakfasts and popped them in the freezer for the coming weeks.  I am making chicken and roasted veggie soup tonight to pop in the freezer.  I love soup especially since it's so cold here. 

I started to get my body ready too.  I colored my hair, painted my toenails (like anyone is going to see them anyway) and plan to paint my fingernails tonight after my son is in bed.  I am getting everything organized in my bedroom and brought up an extra card table for post surgery supplies (peroxide, q-tips, gauze, post OP instructions and books).  I even borrowed a wedge pillow from my sister so I can rest and sleep comfortably in my bed.

Last weekend my husband and I painted the bedroom a nice Tuscan gold color.  It's soothing but a little bold.  It brings life into our bedroom.  Tomorrow I am sewing curtains...yes, sewing curtain panels.  My husband already installed the new blinds and the curtain rod so all is ready for my curtain panels. 

I feel so odd looking at my body.  I look at my breasts and I don't know what to feel.  Soon, they will be gone.  I don't know whether to be sad or not.  They are part of me, but I never "loved" my breasts.  They are smaller....a small B or what I call an A+.  I have always wanted them to be a little bigger, but then again I am a smaller person so I guess they are proportional.  I have always accepted them and it made it easier to workout without bouncing all over the place.  I hate to lose part of my body, a part of me, but that's what has to happen now.  I just feel strange that I will never see my original body anymore.  I feel a sense of loss and wonder if I will have regret.  I also wonder if I will remember what my body looked like before.  I finally decided to take photos today.  I took photos of my breasts.  It was odd.....I have never done anything like this before!  I just felt like a part of me wants to remember what I looked like before this all happened.  I don't know if I will ever look at those photos again or not, but at least I have them.  I don't know if it gives me any more peace or not, it just felt like something I had to do. 

As I look in the mirror, I hold my breasts and cradle them a bit.  I just can't believe that my small, insignificant breasts betrayed me this way.  They are just breasts when I look at them but I feel like they are full of poison and toxic.  I never thought in a million years I would be faced with this.  I continue to walk one step at a time forward on this scary breast cancer path and still can't believe this is my life. 


  1. Best of luck and wishes and prayers during your surgery. I am sure it will go well, and remember that your only role in it is to show up and trust your surgeons. For me, remembering that I want to have the cancer out of my body and just accepting the surgery was very calming.
    The first few days will go by in a blur then you'll probably be home by Sunday or Monday to recover. Everyone says that being physically fit helps for a quicker recovery, so you should be fine!

  2. Good Luck tomorrow in surgery. I know it is kind of to late now since your surgery is tomorrow, but have you seen a plastic surgeon?

    I have a patient right now who has breast CA and we sent her to a plastic surgeon prior to her surgery. We felt that talking to a plastic surgeon that could let her know her options regarding reconstruction may help her to cope with the fact that she would be losing a breast.

    Thankfully the hospital stay time for this surgery is relatively short so you will get to be home and in the comfort of your own home very quickly.

    Good Luck to you. My thoughts and prayers are really with you right now as you endure such a difficult time in your life.

  3. Lifeisbeachykeen: Yes, I am having immediate reconstruction tomorrow too so my surgery will be 5 hours. I am getting tissue expanders placed and will have implants by early summer. I am scheduled to come home on Friday - so only 1 night in the hospital for me if all goes well. Thank you for the kind thoughts and prayers. It means a lot!