"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Monday, February 28, 2011

Chemo is around the corner

Here I sit with my hair in tact and a bit dirty (since with the cold caps you can't wash your hair 2 days before and 2 days after chemo).  I am trying to figure out how all of this is going to go.  I am really nervous.  I know there is no turning back now and I have to go forward.  It feels so hard.  It feels so uncertain.  The fear of the unknown is really sinking in at this point.

Tomorrow I start taking the oral steroids.  They have you take them a day before chemo to help your body not react to the chemo.  One of the added side effects of the steroids is tons of energy.  Normally that would be a plus, but already have tons of energy and don't sleep well even with xanax so I will probably be sleepless for a few days.  Won't that just make the whole chemo experience even better hu?  On Wednesday they will also give me more steroids with the chemo.  I will also continue to take the steroids the day after chemo.  I am praying that I will sleep at night.  The last time I went without sleep after surgery I was a emotional wreck. 

On Wednesday we need to be at the infusion room at 8am.  They will start to get me ready and do my pre meds.  I will wear the sub-zero frozen caps for 50 minutes before chemo begins.  Then for the next two hours while my chemo is administered, I will continue to wear the caps, putting a new one on every 30 minutes.  Once chemo is done I have to continue to wear the caps for 4 hours, changing them every 30 minutes.  It will be a minimum of 7 hours with sub zero caps on my head.  I am taking Ativan and Tylenol, but somehow I don't think I will get off not feeling awful.  I just don't know how I will get through Wednesday.  The thought of it seems so unbearable.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son and I knew I was going to be induced I was so scared.  I remember telling myself "it's just one day in a lifetime and at the end you will have something so amazing".  I guess I have to tell myself the same thing this time..."it's just one day in a lifetime and at the end you will have something amazing".  It's just that the something "amazing" is my life this time.  I know that I have to walk through this right now and I have to find every ounce of my emotional energy to push myself through this.  I keep thinking that every time I want to give up I want to look at my son's picture and see his beautiful face and just push myself for him.  I love him so much and want more than anything to be here to raise him and watch him grow into a good man. 

I know I have to do this.  Like I said before, there is no turning back.  Chemo is right in front of me.  I keep telling myself I will walk through chemo just like I did with my surgeries.  Those were easier than I thought and the recovery has been easier than I ever imagined.  I hope with every ounce of myself that I can walk through chemo the same way.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard at times.  I know I will break down at some point....I hate doing that in front of the people that love me.  I hate breast cancer and I hate chemo....period.


  1. Praying for you. I had my first chemo (TCH) on Thursday. Believe it or not, I have prayed for no side effects and I have had NONE!

    I hope things go well with your hair. I should be losing mine next week. I ordered a couple wigs and some scarves/hats last night.

  2. Will be thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow. You are amazing to tackle the cold caps. Not many women do that, probably out of lack of knowledge and lack of energy. Cool that you are putting the effort into it. Maybe the distraction will make chemo more bearable.