"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Feeling Normal

Last night we went to a birthday party and the only people there that know of my diagnosis were the hosts of the party.  It was only the second time in a long time that I went somewhere and people did not know I had cancer.  It was odd to just mingle and talk with people that I know and not have anyone look at me and say "how ARE you?"  It was actually quite refreshing.  I felt like this was the first really "normal" thing I have done in a really long time. 

The only part that was hard was when people asked what was new or how's work.  Hummmmm, how do I answer that?  So "what's new"?  Maybe I should say something like "oh, not too much, I have breast cancer, had a lumpectomy, bilateral mastectomy, I start chemo soon and these are my new fake boobs!"  Or to the work question...."I wouldn't know about work, I am on disability for this stupid cancer thing.....".  So I quickly realized I need some "canned" answers to these questions if I am going to continue to try to do "normal" things.  So by the end of the evening I had perfected my canned answers.  On the work thing it was something like "oh, you know work - busy and crazy".  For the what's new thing, it was something like "oh working and trying to push through winter in hopes of an early spring".   After saying these things, I tried to shift the conversation to the other person just so I could have something to talk about. 

I guess this goes with the territory of not shouting out to the entire world that I have cancer.  If the cold caps are successful in keeping my hair during treatment, no one will ever have any idea that I have cancer.  I will definitely have to perfect my "canned answers".  I never knew that an acting class should be part of the process when you have cancer! 

At this point, I feel good.  I can't believe it has only been three weeks since my surgery.  I figured it would take way longer to feel this good.  I was even feeling pretty sore from getting my tissue expanders filled on Friday, but now I feel a lot better.  I know I have to buckle down because the next two weeks are going to be really hard.   I know I have to take one step at a time and not look ahead at everything.  I am trying hard to do that, but it feels impossible at times.  It is very overwhelming.  I guess this week I just have to get through having the chemo port put in on Wednesday.  That will be a long day for me with a lot of anxiety for sure.  It has to be easier than a bilateral mastectomy, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment