"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Falling apart today

Today is the worst I have felt emotionally since my surgery.  I just feel so sad, scared an panicked.  I just want to curl up in bed and sit in the dark and cry.  I am not sure why I feel like this today.  I just feel so down.

Sometimes I just go on being positive and strong and push through this but today for some reason I just can't.  I just can't believe I have cancer today.  I keep thinking about my family and my son and just crumble inside.  I just can't fathom why this is happening to me.  Why?  Just tell me what I did?  Why me???

I know since getting the news of the big "C" I have asked this but keep telling myself it's a question I just have to let go.  I will never know why this happened or how.  I just find myself getting angry.  It's just so unfair.  No one should EVER have to go through this.  I am so far one of the lucky ones because it was caught early.  Regardless, no one should have to fight cancer and go through all of the physical and emotional challenges that come with it. 

Yes it's scary for me, but I just can't bear the thought of my young innocent son going through watching me have cancer.  I can't bear the thought of him going through life without me if I can't beat this.  He's so young and so sweet.  He doesn't deserve this.  I want to protect him and I can't.  I feel so helpless.  It just breaks me inside. 

I know how desperate I sound and I HATE that.  I just keep wondering how I go on after all of this treatment and just live and be.  It seems so impossible and like you would always feel like you were looking over your shoulder to see if cancer is chasing you down.  The only bad thing is that you can't see the cancer until it already has you if it comes back.  By then it would be stage IV.  I am scared today.

I just want my life back.  I just want those moments where you live without a care in the world and just be in the moment with no fear.  I guess I was naive to live like that before because bad things can happen at any time.  I guess I just had faith in life and God's will.  Now I don't.  Those feelings are replaced with fear, panic and questions.  I just long for a living a day like I did before having cancer.  Just the peace of that feeling would be a vacation from the mental torture cancer brings forever. 

Everyone tells me in time you learn to live again and not panic.  I know I need to have faith in that, but for now it seems so impossible.  I know I have to take things one step at a time and for now my next steps are getting my chemo port put in and starting chemo.  As Scarlett O'Hara said in Gone With The Wind, "I will worry about that tomorrow".  Tomorrow is a new day, thank God. 

No comments:

Post a Comment