"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die. Worry about how you are going to live today"

Monday, February 14, 2011

Now I am getting nervous

I met with my medical oncologist today and scheduled my first chemo session.  We reviewed all of my questions.  I talked to her about my vitamins and things that I wanted to take to help boost my overall health during chemo.  My vitamin D is really low which is concerning to me so she gave me a high dose prescription for that.  I asked about using Latisse for my eyelashes and eyebrows during chemo and she is looking into that.  I also asked about some type of anti-anxiety medication I can take on chemo days.  I think emotionally those days are going to be very hard for me - especially the first one.  So yet another Rx for Ativan to help.  I have never had so many medications in my life!  I feel like a freak.  I need medications for the side effects from the other medications and so on and so on.   Can I just say that cancer and chemo stink???? 

The doctor reviewed my final pathology report with me and of course the other 2mm area that was found was invasive.  I just hate the thought that there was even more cancer in me than I knew of.  Ugh!  Can I say one more time how much I hate cancer???

After I was done with the doctor I talked to the nurse and got my chemo scheduled for March 2nd.  It is really going to happen.  Now that there is a date I feel a bit panicked.  She then went on to ask when I was going to have a port put in.  I told her that the doctor and I had discussed no port and that I didn't plan on having one.  She said she was going to check my veins in my good arm.  I reminded her that I had sentinel nodes out of both sides and then she said she had to talk to the doctor.  After that she came back and informed me that I would need to get a port installed for them to infuse the chemo through for sure.  My other choice is a pic line.  Well what great choices I have...(said sarcastically).  A port requires yet one more surgery.  When the nurse explained this....I just got upset and said "do you have any idea what I look like and how many incisions are on my body?".  I could not help myself.  Then she pulled me into a private room and I began to cry.  I am so sick of cancer.  It's moments like this where it all comes out and I just get so overwhelmed and start to cry that makes me panic.  I left the office crying yet again.  I guess I should now sedate myself each time I go to the doctor's office just to deal with whatever they dish up that day.  I keep thinking "they already told me I had cancer so whatever they say today can't be that bad" and just go.  Now I am thinking I should medicate before each appointment.

Sometimes I look back at all of this and get sick of all of the disappointments.  Granted, I am lucky I was early stage breast cancer, but all of this is still so real and scary.  I am grateful that I don't have a worse diagnosis (trust me) but it doesn't mean that makes having cancer easier.  It is still cancer, surgery, chemo and a lifetime of worry. 

Maybe when you get diagnosed they should just tell you all of the crap on one day to get it over with.  As you learn and read in this process you keep thinking you will somehow be the one that won't need a bilateral mastectomy, chemo, port or lose your hair.  In the end, you end up getting it all anyway.  Every time you find out one more of these things apply to you, you feel shaken, disappointed, sad and angry.  It's like you just have to succumb to all the cancer bullshit and just lay down and take it.  I wish they could have just laid this out on December 12th when I learned I had cancer and then maybe I wouldn't feel like this each time another bad thing applies to me!  I am just having a bad day - Happy Valentine's Day to me. 

I guess a lot of it is the reality of starting chemo in two weeks.  I am scared.  It doesn't help either that each time I tell a nurse I am doing cold caps to keep my hair they have to make sure I realize that many people don't have success with this.  Thanks a lot!  I appreciate you making me feel good after you just got done telling me I need another surgery Ms. Nurse!  I hope to God I can go in and see her 4 months from now with all of my hair in tact. 

I did manage to make myself go to the mall and walk for 35 minutes after that.  I didn't want to go after leaving the doctor's office, but I knew I should so I did go.  I guess that made me feel a little better.  I am just not coping well today.  I am so sick of cancer.  I am going to eat some chocolate right now.  Remember....dark chocolate is full of antioxidants (smile) and that is good for fighting cancer. 


  1. Hang in there - some day hopefully in 2011 it will all be over. I have heard from others that they were so happy with the port, then they don't need to be stuck with needles every time, searching for a 'good' vein.
    p.s. I was diagnosed 12/15, had bilateral mastec with reconstruction and start chemo this Thursday. Today I got bad news about my blood test.. leading to more tests tomorrow and more panic and worry.
    My thoughts are with you.

  2. Laura - I hope you are OK. Sending prayers! Thanks for the support!